Over 4 years datings, claims he wants to get married…no signs of it

posted 6 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

His words say he wants to marry you, but his actions say the exact opposite.  It does not mean there is a thing wrong with you.  It means that he is one of those men who does not want to marry but he can’t just tell the truth and admit it.

I believe at this point it is absolutely time to tell him you’re leaving, and to tell him exactly why.  He is not a man of his word, and I would not want such a man for a husband, or for a father for my children.

Post # 18
Member
4932 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My husband is the most go with the flow type of person. He brought up marriage first and 8 months into dating. He also said to me at the time when you are ready and feel it would be the best time to get married and feel we are at our goals as a couple, then tell me and I’ll do my end of things. He was as good as his word and his actions have always in our 15 years together mirrored his words. Words are free and easy but actions take actual effort. Always believe actions. 

Even if he does genuinely want to marry you but is one of those people that lives life by the philosophy of ‘mañana’ with everything, do you even want to tie yourself for life to someone that you have to get upset, hurt, annoyed at, light a firecracker under their ass all the time?? A lifetime of that is mentally draining and emotionally tiring and has you carrying the mental load constantly. That isn’t a partnership and marriage is about a partnership and each of you travelling along the same road, in the same vehicle and taking over the wheel equally from one another so neither of you get too tired driving and cause you vehicle to crash and burn.

OP, in both situations I’ve described, you are losing out and neither is a situation you should put yourself in for life. Cut ties. You shouldn’t have to beg someone to marry you and you shouldn’t want someone who you have to push to do things in life because they are lazy on follow through. Pack your stuff and don’t look back. An amazing guy out there exists who will want to marry you and is excited by the prospect of a lifetime with you. It often takes being in an amazing relationship to realise how past ones you thought were pretty OK, where in fact so wrong for you and not actually OK. This one is one of those relationships that you will look back on and shake your head with how misguided you actually were and I guarantee that you will go that chick on that website was actually right about this ‘aah haa’ moment I’ve just had. Relationship should be easy and the place you take shelter and comfort from in those situations where life throws poop grenades at you! Relationships shouldn’t be places where poop grenades are actually being manufactured and thrown. If it’s too hard when everything is pretty good and easy to navigate in your world, it’s going to be a disaster when when actual hard stuff comes along. Getting engaged is an easy step to take. If it’s already a hurdle then it’s just not the right relationship for you. 

Post # 19
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2021 - Australia

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@cmsgirl:  this is just so succinctly and accurately put. It honestly illustrates so many things I wished I’d known in past relationships before I met my fiance, and I really hope marilu718 listens to what you’ve said.

It was like that for me in prior relationships. It isn’t now. My fiance does ‘half the driving’ as you describe, and it is unbelievably good to feel so loved and supported. I think all of us want that for marilu718

Post # 20
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee

If you say that you’re good with an inexpensive wedding band and getting married with under 10 people at the ceremony, the having to save up excuse is gone. I would try that.

Post # 21
Member
2039 posts
Buzzing bee

He says he can’t propose because of the pandemic?

How to propose – say the following sentence: “Will you marry me?”

Can someone please explain how the pandemic prevents him doing this?

(And I’m posting this as someone who managed to get married during the pandemic)

Post # 23
Member
3869 posts
Honey bee

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@marilu718:  Bravo! It can be hard to have that type of conversation, but now you know for certain he was just stringing you along and pretending he wanted what you wanted. A wonderful man is out there for you, and now you know how important it is to advocate for yourself and take charge of your future. Best wishes to you ❣️

Post # 24
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2020

After my husband and I moved in together I told him I wanted to be engaged soon. We moved in August by November we were looking at venues and planning our wedding. My ring took a little longer because we had one plan that fell through then I went online made the ring I wanted. I asked him if he was okay with the price he said yes and we ordered the ring right then and there. I truly belive if a man wants to get married they will take action and not keep saying it will happen with nothing to back it up. My ex prior to me find my husband kept saying he wanted to get married but nothing came about it. Then he backtracked and said he wasn’t sure anymore. We broke up a year later I met my husband. You can find the right one for you.

Post # 25
Member
3790 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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@marilu718:  wow! What a jerk. Now you know he would rather break up with you than marry you. Good for you for standing up for what you want. 

Post # 26
Member
7967 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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@marilu718:  I’m happy you did not waste any more time with a man who had no intention of marrying you. Hugs. 

Post # 27
Hostess
4584 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@marilu718:  I am so sorry that the conversation didn’t go the way you hoped, but FWIW, as a stranger, I am SO proud of you for talking it out and doing what was best for you.  I know you’ll be back here with your happy moments, with someone who can’t wait to marry you.  Best of luck moving forward bee. 

Post # 28
Member
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2022

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@marilu718:  hell yes you did it! Said this is what i want and im no longer accepting less and you got your answer. Now you are free to find your man and live your dreams, congrats! it’s gonna suck since youve been together 4 years but you will eventually feel so free and happy! excited to follow your journey 🙂

Post # 29
Member
804 posts
Busy bee

I’m so glad you’re not letting him waste any more of your time and you’ve had the strength to walk away.  I’m betting he thought the threat of you having the leave the relatonship would make you back down, nod, agree and wait around for him to waste many more years. 

Things can only get better now. You’ve taken back control of your life, you’ve shown that you can be assertive about you want you want for your future. Onwards and upwards!

By the way, he may try to wind you back in. Go completely no contact. 

Post # 30
Member
2918 posts
Sugar bee

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@marilu718:  Im glad you got your answer Bee. I’m so sorry things ended but good to know you aren’t wasting your time! You deserve a man who wants to marry you. 

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