(Closed) ****Over CRITICAL…. MOTHERS….anyone have em?? HELP How to deal?!?!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Have you tried talking to her about it? It is an uncomfortable situation but that relationship is one that is worth working on I think. 

I can relate somewhat although my mom isn’t that bad. She does compliment me on some things but she is also very critical, just in a slightly softer way. Like I had my hair dark for years and at least every other visit she would say “When are you going ot dye your hair light again? It looks so beautiful THAT way.” (i.e. I dont like your hair dark). After years of hearing it I finally went almost-blonde this summer and then she says “hmm… yea I guess you were right about the dark that looked better.” sigh. Or if I wear something she doesn’t like she’ll say “why don’t you go put on THAT shirt it is so much more flattering on you.” (i.e. you look fat. thanks mom). Or when she talks about her own food issues she’ll say “I’m so sorry I passed on fat genes to you. I really wanted you to be a normal weight.” (yep. overweight. get it mom, thanks). Or she just makes lots and lots of helpful “suggestions” for how I can do things better. 

so yea.. I get it 🙂 But I think what has helped me is realizing a bit WHY she does it. I think for her it is somewhat of a control issue. She was always a mom first— never had a career she liked or a good group of friends or hobbies. She was a MOM. So when my brother and I grew up and moved away and became independant (especially once I stopped relying on their financial help) I think she feels useless now. Like she soooooo badly wants me to need her help/advice that she goes a little overboard in offering it I think. And knowing that it makes it a lot easier to just smile and nod “okay mom” and not take that stuff personally.

Post # 5
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

My mom AND my future Mother-In-Law are both like that.  I deal with them by being overly nice.  When either of them make a negative comment, I’ll usually say something like, “Oh, that’s so sweet of you to say.”  Then they just feel akward and usually end it.  If they got mad about it, they’d have to admit they’re making rude/mean/inconsiderate comments, so they usually don’t say anything.  Works like a charm for me.  No matter what you do, don’t let anyone’s negativity change your mind about your wedding.  By The Way, if that’s you in your avatar pic, you’d look gorgeous with your hair in any color and any style Wink

Post # 7
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

My father is very critical and verbally abusive, he got himself disinvited from my wedding and won’t be walking me down the aisle. My Future Mother-In-Law is also very critical, but since neither one contributed to our wedding they get no say in anything. I just told my Future Mother-In-Law about everything I’ve done recently for the wedding, and I could tell she was taken aback somewhat because she didn’t have a chance to blast me about any of my decisions LOL.

Don’t give your mother the benefit of the doubt, I did that with my father for many years and he’s never stopped at a chance to stick the knives in my back. She’s not going to change so keep the wedding chatter at a minimum and don’t stress about her comments.

Post # 9
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@weddingbound:  I have the same fear.  I told my sisters who are BMs to keep my mom in check during the wedding.

My mom has had nothing nice to say about me or the wedding.   i.e. My dress is too simple; I’m wasting my time on decorations; and, I shouldn’t bother with x, y and z.  I was upset for weeks and then, just ultimately learned to ignore her comments.  I’ve tried to talk to her but the years of bittnerness seems ingrained in her.  There is nothing else for me to do but to just avoid certain topics. 

Post # 10
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m sorry your mom keeps hurting your feelings. Try to talk to her about it. But if she isn’t responsive or just can’t change her behavior fast enough, I would also just respond overly kind (per PP suggestion) and steel your emotions to what she says in the first place. I can understand that you just want your mom to tell you your pretty and be girlie with you, but not all moms can. My mom doesn’t say mean things to me, but she definitely doesn’t get excited or girlie with me on stuff.

Example: A friend is lending me a Cinderella and Prince Charming cake topper for my wedding. I was so excited that I texted a picture to my mom, dad and sister to show them. They know I am a Disney person so I thought they’d all be happy for me. My dad and my sister were happy for me. But my mom thinks of Disney stuff as childish and honestly thought I was joking. I told her I was serious and she said, “It’s not a real cake topper” and I said, “Yes, it is” and she said, “but they’re cartoon characters, that’s not serious.”  She just doesn’t get it. She knows it’s not a joke now but she still doesn’t understand.

Post # 11
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@weddingbound:  My mother died in 2009 and she was the exact opposite of my father, totally supportive, always positive about what I did. I’m heartbroken that she won’t be there physically but she’s always within my heart. Your wedding is about you and Fiance and you need to surround yourself with people who love and support you. Don’t let your mom steal your joy on that day!!

Post # 12
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

my mom rips into me like its her job i try to ignore her, sometimes i get snappy though *hugs*

Post # 13
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Ah, you’re totally not alone! On my wedding day, my mother threw a damned hissy fit because people weren’t paying enough attention to her (“giving me the respsect I deserve” was her claim) and locked herself in the bathroom. Good times. She said my wedding dress wasn’t a real wedding dress because it wasn’t a big, poofy, ballgown. Our photobooth was a dumb idea. It was stupid to serve beer (yeah, I dunno). REAL BRIDES wear their hair up, not down. Chubby girls like me need to cover their fat arms. My sister was a much prettier bride than me. You get the picture. All of my bridesmaids know her and know how she’s like with me so they all basically ran interference the morning of the wedding and kept her busy, distracted, and more importantly: AWAY FROM ME.

Post # 14
1813 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

After trying to speak to her about her constant critique of me, and that not working, I tried feeding he a bit of her own medicine.  That worked extremely well for a short while and is quite satisfying, if not a little childish…

Some of the corkers I’ve had of mother dear

“I’ve just realised, we’re both the fattest in both sides of the family.”

“I really don’t know who you take after – I never had spots like you do…”

“Those boobs make even a plain pullover look slutty on you.”

“I don’t believe you, I want to speak to the instructor.”  (after I called to tell her I passed my driving test first time).

“You used to have such lovely hair….”

“You have lovely nails.  Out of everything that could be your best feature – it would have to be your nails…”

“Wow, this is really really good, a change from what you used to cook when you were younger – you used to be awful!” (memories of when I served a semi-raw chicken at my first attempt of making a roast dinner at the age of 12 still haunt me..”

My Dad tells me it’s because she’s jealous of my youth, I blame it on menopause.

Post # 15
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

As soon as I read the first half of this thread, I was like, “Hah! Yes, that would be my mother as well!”

My mother was so negative in the beginning of the wedding planning stages. But, as months went by, she became a little more positive. She was always second guessing my color choices, the bridesmaid dresses, the cake, my dress( which is odd because shes the one that found it on the rack and brought it to my room) and etc.

She thought my vision wasnt going to look elegant enough. “That sounds like too much color going on in the reception space.”

The bridesmaid dresses were all different shades of teal/turquoise and she was always saying, “I just hope your happy when you see them all together.”

She thought the cake sounded a little too crazy and once again too colorful.

She teared up when  wore a different dress. When I finally got the nerve to tell her which dress(es) I wanted, she didnt approve really. See, I felt great in two different dresses for two different reasons. The second dress was dirt cheap and I thought I could wear it for the dance. But right after mom said, “Well, if that’s the one you want, than let’s not waste any time and get it today.” We did buy both dresses. By my wedding day, I had decided to wear the more expensive dress and that’s it all day. I was not a two dress bride. That was mostly becase I had found a third dress and planned to wear that to the ceremony instead. It gave me a softer look. When my mother found out about this, she was not happy. In the end, she was right though. My first dress was the one I was meant to wear.

Anyways, she finally cam around to likeing the colors. “I thought these two colors wouldnt look nice together but they really do.” As we were setting up the reception space, she said to me that it looked beautiful. It really wasn’t too much color like she thought. She liked the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses. My mom was sooo proud of that cake that she drove an hour round trip just to bring it back to the bakery so that they would “hopefully” display it with some other cakes they have made. It was a faux tiered cake. She said to them that she would love to visit it from time to time! Haha!

Hopefully your momma comes around.  I actually had to tell her that what she was saying hurt my feelings. I told her to start being more positive because I needed that from her. She soon did a 180. I am sure glad she did. 🙂

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