Post # 32
I will share with you the unshakable wisdom of one of my colleagues, who once calmed me while I freaked out at work because my mother was coming to visit and I didnt’ have time to go home and clean sufficiently to please her (I’d already been cleaning for 2 straight days. I was 38 years old):
You cannot change your parents. Nothing you do will alter their behavior – not even slightly.
This is the Gospel truth. Changing everything you do will not stop them from being critical – because they love you the way you are, and are being critical in order to have a level of involvement with you that they still crave. If you met their ideal perfectly you’d still have to endure criticism, for that reason.
Have the wedding you want to have. Ignore your mother’s every suggestions if it is in conflict with what you want. IGNORE HER CRITICISM. Trust yourself. I did this, I had some awful scenes but in the end I pursued my own vision and my mother… loved it. Loved my wedding, every single tiny detail of it.
Post # 34
Omg thank you so much for your Post! It has made me feel soooo much better. I will def be reading your post over and over to keep me level headed bc I have felt myself breaking. Gosh is does make sense thou the way u put it…. Thanks!
Post # 35
My mom can be super critical too. Eventually I broke down and cried and told her how much she hurt my feelings when she said those things. I told her that it would be really nice if she could just say for ONCE, “you look nice” instead of being critical of every little thing. Eventually she did get it and I could tell she was making an effort so I guess my breakdown was worth it lol.
Post # 36
Mine! She hated my wedding makeup. I sent her the link to our wedding photos, and although she liked many, the gist of her comments were “Is that all? Some are nice, some are ok, but where are the family photos?” Ugh.
Post # 37
Oh goodness! You’re DEFINITELY not alone! My mother and grandmother are two of THE most critical and judgemental people I know…..and they really don’t have a filter. I remember one time when I was on a car ride with them. I had gained some weight, and they spent the entire hour and a half telling me how much weight I had gained and everything I needed to do about it. Both of them are yo-yo dieters, so not exactly the advice I want, lol.
Now the wedding plans are happening and they both have input about EVERYTHING! My grandmother seems to think that i should just cut everything. She wanted to know why I needed engagement photos. I talked about possibly doing really cheap little Welcome Bags, she told me that I shouldn’t be doing all that for people. I shouldn’t be doing wedding favors, I should have found a cheaper photographer, I should refuse to pay any type of cake cutting fee, I’m going super overboard with my planning. She put a wedding together in 6 months, so I shouldn’t be trying to get it all done so early. They have both tried to change my colors multiple times. When I tried on my dress (which fit perfectly) my mom made a comment about how I shouldn’t have any “soda” before the wedding. I mean, I know I’m not super tiny, but I’m also not that big. I’m 150 lb. at 5’6″. The dress also goes up or down a size. I’m doing a lot of DIY, so when I told her about the ring pillows I’m going to make, she hated the idea so she claimed that the church probably wouldn’t find them appropriate.
Oh, I also took pictures in my dress to show my bridesmaids, and they told me not to show it to any of them or else it would end up online. Wth? Like my bridesmaids, 3 of my closest friends, would post the pictures up on facebook? Come on!
Honestly, I just let them talk and I just ignore it and move forward with my own plans 😀 The fact is, I like the little details. I like doing those little personal touches that will make my wedding a little different. I WANT my guests to feel appreciated.
I would just say ignore it and don’t let things she says bother you! People like that just like things their way and aren’t happy when it’s any other way! There’s no pleasing them, so don’t even try 🙂
Post # 38
@weddingbound: I feel ya! My mom is doing the SAME thing! My mom hates the bridesmaids dress, she doesn’t like that I want the bridesmaids to wear ballerina flats, she hated my save the date ENVELOPES (I bought a custom return address stamp off etsy that was GORGEOUS.. She hated it). My soon to be mother in law came into town and my mom said it would be a wonderful idea to have her help you since she lives so far away (NC I live in CA). The whole week she was here we got SO much accomplished for the wedding. Well now my mom’s jealous! GOSH! Can’t catch a break.
Post # 39
Sounds like many other bees are experiencing the pain that I am…..what is it with mothers and wedding planning??? GEEZ…..But I must say my mother is like this regardless thou…..I know she means well but the woman has no filter what so ever!
I appreciate all you bees sharing your “mom” stories……some have made me chuckle a bit and I can totally picture a lot them playing out…..which makes me feel “not so alone” with all my mom DRAMA….LOL
Post # 40
also have a critical mother as i am older i know she has a very low self esteem and takes it out on her children. i dont call her on it but when we talk on the phone if she is critical i just either change the subject or say i have to go for some reason. good luck.
Post # 41
yep…..my mom is naturally a controlling and critical person and I’ve usually been the compliant daughter but not for this!!!!! SHe didn’t like my colors or the flowers…blue and yellow—and tried to get me to change them by triangulating my dad…now it’s the hair, she didn’t like the frenchbraids and the straight hair..I love my future mother in law who anything that you show her will gasp, beautiful!!! My mom can be very invalidating and as the wedding gets closer I just try to keep my distance!
Post # 42
My mom is not normally critical of me (if she is, she doesn’t say it to my face) but she’s being a real pain in the ass about my wedding. First I told her I wanted to elope and she made me feel bad about that. Now every time she calls me she starts asking questions about my plans and making little comments about them. It’s like, you railroaded me into this in the first place so you don’t get to complain when it’s not good enough!
Post # 43
@weddingbound: My mother is like that, so I either don’t talk to her, quickly defend my choices and then change the subject, or get off the phone (she rarely comes to visit me).
Nowadays, since I live farther away, when I visit my parents I pretty much always bring someone with me. She doesn’t say much critical about me in front of them for fear of looking bad. Which is not to say, she does not still COME ACROSS as critical by what she implies or doesn’t say (i.e. no compliments).
My mother is a very negative person, and I try to be different.
Post # 44
I realize you wrote this some time ago but I just want to give you a big hug!!!! Are you sure we don’t have the same mother? Not only was the wedding process with her brutal but she never told me on my wedding day that I looked beautiful! I wish I had some advice you about her. I’m still learning how to deal with her everyday and now that I’m married, I am slowly pushing her out of my life. I have been told that the less she knows about your life, the less she has room to be critical. I hope this helps and if you ever need to vent just message me! Don’t ever feel like your crazy for not liking your mom.