Over demanding friend? Toxic?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4117 posts
Honey bee

lola217 :  has she always been this way? If so, it has nothing to do with whatever is going on in her life. 

If she’s always been like this, I’d let the friendship go. She’s way too clingy. 

If she became this way recently, it may be due to whatever is going on in her life; in which case, I’d try to talk it out with her and express that you do want to be there for her, but you have a life of your own. 

Post # 3
Member
1118 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like you could benefit from setting boundaries. What does a good friendship look like to you? Seeing each other once a month, once every 2 months? Always going to her, or splitting visits 50/50, or always meeting up somewhere?

When she calls you don’t have to always answer.

When she texts you don’t have to reply immediately. 

She may get upset about that but you can’t control her feelings.

 

Post # 4
Member
751 posts
Busy bee

How far apart do you live?

Post # 6
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

I would not be able to see a friend who is 3 hours away very often at all. Why doesn’t she drive to see you since you have your place and she does not. 

It’s very possible she will calm down once she has more going on in her life. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing but it seems like you may be resenting the demands and you’re anticpating she’s resenting your other obligations. 

Post # 7
Hostess
3209 posts
Sugar bee

Your friend sounds immature. You guys are clearly in two different places in your lives right now, which is fine. But if you want to continue the relationship, you’ll need to establish healthy boundaries.

Post # 8
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

She asks why you haven’t replied? That does seem a bit manic. My friends are super unreliable with texts, but interrogating them sure wouldn’t bring us closer. Lol this is what adult life is like. I think she’s the one who’s bored and may not want to be where she is in her own life.

Post # 9
Member
603 posts
Busy bee

Has she always been like this, or is this new behaviour? And if it is new, did it start when something happened in her life, or just seemingly inexplicably?

 

if it isn’t new behaviour I’d say it’s very unlikely to ever change and then you should seriously consider ending your friendship. If it is new you might want to consider the possibility of the behaviour ending, and if that possibility is worth waiting for. You might then also want to define to yourself what you are willing to put up with, and what you aren’t, while you are waiting.

Post # 11
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

lola217 :  I don’t know if she’s “toxic,” but she’s very needy/selfish and puts you down about how you live. She doesn’t seem supportive, so I don’t know if it’s really important that she remains a part of your life.

Post # 12
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

Your routine life doesn’t sound boring – it sounds like it’s full of good things, the best kind of routine

Post # 13
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

It definitely doesn’t sound toxic, that’s a bit extreme. But it does sound like you’re in two very different places in life and she’s probably having a hard time letting go of the way things were before you grew up and left her behind. If the friendship is important to you, I would talk it out, set limits, and discuss how future plans need to be made (ex: if I’m going to come visit you, it must be planned X weeks in advance for scheduling purposes, and I can’t come visit more often than X times a year). If the friendship isn’t that important to you and you feel you’re ready to move on, then just do it. Friendships break up just like relationships do sometimes, and to stay together it takes compromise and effort from both parties. Just have an adult conversation with her about where you are and what you want, even if that is ending or distancing the friendship. 

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