(Closed) Overreacting about bachelor party??

posted 1 year ago in Parties
  • poll: Is the brides feelings of disrespect wrong?

    No, I would feel the same way

    Yes, boys will be boys

    No, but she did overreact

    Yes, but most brides do about bachelor parties

  • Post # 2
    Member
    319 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2021

    This sounds like a big ol’ hot mess.To be honest, I’m leaning to the side that you are overreacting. Maybe not by much, but yeah. 

    You are marrying your fiance, not his friends.

    I can mostly understand your fiance not wanting to make a scene with his friends and storm out of his own bachelor party. What I’m wondering is whether he did or did not actually tell his friends no strippers? If he did, and his friends hired them anyway, they’re bad friends. End of story. If he didn’t tell them, then why not? If it’s because he didn’t want to be a “party pooper” that seems like a huge sign of immaturity or lack of esteem to me. It’s his damn bachelor party.

    It also sounds like you don’t trust your fiance very much? And that you aren’t able to control yourself while drinking… Essentially calling off the wedding over message? Both of these things are your own red flags. If I had to bet it seems like you have participated in a cycle of social drama and pettiness for so long that you’ve forgotten or haven’t yet learned what it means to be in a relationship.

    As for one of the friends getting in trouble with his wife because you brought it up while she was at your bachelorette party??? Did I get that right? Forget them. Not your circus, not your monkeys. If his wife would have been upset by that, then that’s all the way on him to explain and for the two of them to work out. It’s not unreasonable that your fiance would have mentioned strippers to you and for you to mention them to this other man’s wife at your own party.

    I’m not sure how old you are, but this all sounds immature to me. I remember a time when I was more swayed by my questionable social circle than my own inner compass, and I’m glad to have outgrown than. I’m sorry if that’s harsh.

    I think you and your fiance both owe each other apologies and should then forget about what happened. Focus on yourselves and think hard about how/if your friends are improving your life.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1938 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Whoa, WHOA. First of all, stop blaming yourself here. The amount of gaslighting going on by these guys is just INSANE. 

    1. You and your fiance mutually agreed upon a boundary. It is not YOUR job to inform his friends about HIS bachelor party boundaries, that’s on him. He didn’t tell them anything because he knew what kind of party these friends would plan and he WANTED IT. All he ever had to do is mention that he didn’t want strippers to come to the house, and he refused to do that. 
    2. You and your fiance agreed on what he would do if he did find himself in a situation where strippers came to the house, but when the time came for him to actually do it, to leave, he had an excuse to stay. Unacceptable! He actually put it ahead of your relationship, and made you feel like he HAD to stay to be a good guy, his friends feel so bad, no one knew, wah wah wah. That’s complete and utter bullshit. He wanted to be there. If he didn’t want to be there, he would have left. 
    3. He has married friends who lie to their wives about the ‘strippers’ being there for 6 hours, and then his friend has the absolute nerve to say that YOU were almost responsible for ending his marriage? Um, YOU did not lie to his wife and YOU did not do whatever the hell with 5 ‘strippers’ for hours! That’s absolutely disgusting! The only person to blame is him!
    4. Your fiance and his friends are engaging in absolute shady behavior the night of your bachelorette party and somehow YOU are the bad guy?
    5. 5 strippers for 6 hours in Mexico is not ‘renting strippers’, I would bet my life they were prostitutes, and I would also bet my life that there was a lot of sexual activity, fiance included. 

    I would absolutely not marry this man. He lies to you, he doesn’t prioritize your relationship, he gaslights you, he is untrustworthy, and his actions have been disgusting as hell. I think you were absolutely in the right frame of mind to tell people not to buy flights. Stop blaming yourself and trying to be the cool, understanding girl and instead be a strong woman who knows her worth and refuses to put up with this crap. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    740 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2020

    If I were you I’d call off the wedding for real.  None of these men respect you, fake apologies or not.  Your fiancé blatantly disregarded your feelings and boundaries and he will do it again and again.  

    Post # 8
    Member
    779 posts
    Busy bee

    I agree with PP. this should have been kept between you and future husband. He told you that he told his friends no strippers and but he did not? He told you he would leave but then he did not. It’s never good to involve others trust me from experience. I have no strippers policy because it exploits those women and I don’t think it’s necessary and it’s OTT. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    13606 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    It’s not up to the friends to apologize to you. Apparently your fiance never told his friends what he told you he did when he told you. Your issues are with him. That said, I’d have no further use for the planners of this event. 

    You did not overreact by telling the wife what was going on or risk her marriage. The participants in this event did that all on their own. 

    You have every right to mistrust your fiance at this point. I would not believe a word that any of them are saying right now.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1122 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2019

    Personally I think you are over reacting, but I would be upset. I tend to say over reacting because I genuinely wouldn’t think anything of my husband not responding while at his bachelor party and I do trust if he said he was just “present” while the strippers were around that that’s all it would be. You seem to be lacking this trust in your partner. You guys need to find the ability to be honest and lay out what exactly happened the night he went awol and what he did or didn’t say about boundaries to his buddies. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    1938 posts
    Buzzing bee

    It wasn’t that he wasn’t responding during the bachelor party. This was on a separate night that he and his friend sent messages in unison that they were ‘going to bed’ and then did not answer the phone for the rest of the night. I doubt they were getting in their jammies, brushing their teeth, and then decided to send all their wives and girlfriends goodnight texts at exactly the same time and fell asleep immediately. Sounds to me like there were further goings on and they didn’t want to be interrupted.

    I absolutely believe that your husband would just be ‘present’, but this particular guy misled his fiance into thinking he would honor their agreed-upon boundaries and then he didn’t. So I don’t see what trust she could possible have in his actions or intentions at this point. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    2523 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    I understand being upset but I do think drunkenly calling off the wedding was an over reaction.

    has your fiancé given you reasons in the past not to trust him, does he have a history of going back on his word?

    if this was a one off situation I wouldn’t call off the wedding over it, but that’s just me.

    View original reply
    Ladyluck227 :  

    Post # 13
    Member
    813 posts
    Busy bee

    You are wayyyy overreacting. It was a bachelor party.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1498 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2021

    View original reply
    Ladyluck227 :  Now I’m very lenient when it comes to strippers, but 5 strippers for 6 hours at a private house party in Mexico would bother me. It seems excessive… not to mention expensive. Like why?! 

    Were you disrespected: Yes

    Did you overreact: Yes

    Essentially you blew your hand by reacting as you did. Any remorse that FH and friends felt disappeared when you sent those texts. This is not at all your fault but rather their shady minds drawing that conclusion. I would definitely bring this up in your pre-marriage counseling!

    Post # 15
    Member
    2699 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    Ladyluck227 :  I personally don’t believe you’re overreacting. Your fiance disrespected you, went against your wishes and your agreed upon boundaries, and now he and his friends are trying to gaslight you and make you feel/sound crazy, when you’re understandably upset. The only part of this I would call an overreaction is when you half called off the wedding, but only because you called it off while drunk with no actual intention of following through on the threat.

    First of all, stop worrying about your fiance’s friends. You’re not marrying his friends; you’re marrying him. Regardless of if his friends knew about your boundary, it’s your fiance’s job to uphold his promises and agreements to you and respect your boundaries, not his friends. No one tied your fiance down and prevented him from leaving as he promised you he would. And if the friends truly didn’t know about your one boundary, that means your fiance didn’t tell him, which means he wanted the to supply strippers and planned on turning this all around on them so he could enjoy what you didn’t want and not get the blame.

    And as for this crap, “particullarly in telling one wife about the strippers and how I could have ruined their marriage.” – NO. Only the man who lied to his wife, and obviously went against her boundaries and wishes, could have possibly ruined his marriage. Someone else telling the wife the truth, is not what would have ruined the marriage. As a matter of fact, if the husband is actively lying to his wife, I’d say the marriage is already on the path to ruin, with nothing at all to do with you.

    Post # 16
    Member
    5160 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    strawberrysakura :  I agree. This is a whole lot of what you call gaslighting and I call bullshit. I don’t blame you for being upset. Your fiance is really comfortable with lying.

    Post # 17
    Member
    562 posts
    Busy bee

    Not sure why you were really texting on the bucks night, should of just let him enjoy what they had planned and spoken about issues afteerwards. This memory will have a sour taste now unfortunately. 

    With so many people involved, you can’t control everything that goes on, and you just have to trust your partner will behave and let things be. If you don’t trust him, then that is the main issue you need to address. 

    Yeah, his friends will not really trust you for a while as you seem like the crazy partner, but they will get over it. Yeah, they did the wrong thing, but luckily you are not marrying them. 

     

     

    Post # 18
    Member
    799 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2005

    I would like to point out that he may well have wanted to leave and not be in the house but you are in Cancun Mexico where it isnt exactly safe to walk the streets or even be on the street alone at night even if you are male. 

    Several years ago hubby and I traveled to a family vacation down there. Our family rented a house so that all the cousins and grands could come and we were told in no uncertain terms that while the resort area near the house was safe, the streets outside are not after a certain time of evening.

    While I think your fiance may well have intended to leave the party it might not have been safe for him to do so. If he was having drinks at the bar, then maybe that was his way of getting away while maintaining his safety. 

    Crime has gotten so bad in Cancun the Mexican Army has opened a military base to combat the problem. Street thugs and drug crime are on the rise and Americans are prime targets for kidnap and ransom. 

    The topic ‘Overreacting about bachelor party??’ is closed to new replies.

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