Post # 1
My FH had his bachelor party in Cancun a few weeks ago. Prior to he had “told his friends” he didn’t want any strippers or strip club outings and things like that was not necessary. I had told him I’m sure they would bring you to one but absolutely no strippers at the house they rented. It was my one and only rule! We had even talked about what he would do if his friends planned for strippers at the house. Basically he trusted his friends to not do anything like that and would leave if they did, it really does just make him uncomfortable…. I should have know better at that point and told them myself. I have heard about other bachelor parties with this group of guys and ick…Anyway, the Friday they were there he had messaged me telling me that he was worried and getting mad because they would not tell him what was happeneing that day. Different comments were made and bla bla bla then a knock at the door and the strippers were there. He was very mad and called and told me. My first reaction was your friends are jerks and totally disrespected your wishes at your own party!! He felt stuck in the middle and didn’t want to be the “party pooper”. I expressed my anger towards his friends and said whatever basically. Ok fine, your basic 2 strippers letting guys lick whip cream and god knows whatever else for 2 hours….I know he wouldn’t participate so fine. Let your selfish friends have their “fun” and get it over with.
2.5 hours go by and i asked if they were still there? Yes they were still there. Seriously? What are they doing now, hanging in the pool drinking beers? “Yes, why?” was the answer I got….. what?!!! From others stories, articles, etc a stripper show is usually two girls for about 2 hours….Nope. Apparently FIVE strippers for SIX hours was what his friends thought was appropriate for a party of only 8 guys. Needless to say my anger is extrememly high now and I’m feeling a little disrespected as I was told the two friends who set this up “just found out” this was my one and only rule and they felt bad. My FH proceeded to not want to be the “party pooper” and said him and 3 others were just hanging on the patio being “present”. Whatever, this is crap… what happened to you would leave if your friends did this? I let it go. A friend of his said the girls were to be picked up at 8pm and they just wanted to get through the next 3 hours then make sure they left. Ugh, all I can do is say this is BS and be angry. This whole time I keep hearing about how bad his friends feel so my thoughts are they will apologize if even in a quick text tomorrow or something becasue I felt his friends have genuine respect for my FH and me. 8pm comes and my FH calls and says strippers aren’t leaving so 4 of us and we are going to the bar. You couldn’t have done that 3 hours ago like you said you would to begin with when we talked about it? One guy told his wife they left after 2 hours…. Mind you they had been drinking heavily all day plus some so their safety was a little concerning now. I’m also extremely angry at his friends for being so selfish they want “more” making half of the party extrememly uncomfortable they removed themselves from the situation. And aren’t they hookers at this point and no only strippers? About 1 am my FH called to let me known they were home and safe, everyone said hi on the facechat yet no one said “Hey sorry about today” or anything. Sure, they were all drunk so whatever. They apologized to him yet I never received anything at any point. Feeling highly disrespected by them and my FH for not saying hey guys this was her one rule at least send her a message and say something to show a little consideration and respect.
Saturday afternoon FH calls and I end up telling him that I am so angry and feel so disprespected by his friends and him. Blatenly telling him I thought his friends would at least send a message or something. My bachelorette party is this night and I’m not the type of person who can easily let things go to have a great time but I did my best. One of the wives was at my party and we both get a message from our guys saying they are going to bed at the same time. Before I knew this I had called my FH to say goodnight (he had called me every night so I thought it was weird he didn’t call). He didn’t answer. I had a lot to drink at this time and called a couple more times. The wife at my party also called and received no answer. I called a few of his other friends and no answer. By The Way this is all done through Facebook so we could see they were on and ignoring the calls. I then reached out to another wife not knowing she didn’t know about the strippers but also hadn’t talked to her husband since earlier in the day. In my highly intoxicated state I sent a message to our group text telling everyone not to buy their flights for the wedding, told my FH that he can pack his stuff if this is how I will be treated and yada yada… Yes, I will be the first to say I could have handled that waaaay better but I let my emotions and alcohol get the best of me.
Sunday morning I apologize to my FH for the messages and of course I don’t mean it but I am obviously still upset and last night just made it worse. One of his friends called me later that day and apologized which I very much appreciated and it meant a lot. All I needed was just a little bit of consideration and respect from him and the one other guy who set all this up. He also told me they did not know my rule/request until Saturday night after I called all of them. That falls on my FH for telling me different.
A few weeks has gone by and my FH and I have not been connecting very well and I kept feeling there was something he wasn’t telling me. I finally got out of him that his friends are worried about him becasue of my over reactions about the bachelor party particullarly in telling one wife about the strippers and how I could have ruined their marriage. So, for the last few weeks I have accepted that there are a difference of opinions in what disrespect means and my FH and I have some things to work on. We were planning on pre-marital counsleing anyway just to keep things healthy so that will be good.
I can’t get over this feeling of I am the devil to his friends now yet my feelings haven’t been considered or respected once. It also angers me that my FH seems more concerned about what his friends feelings are toward me now and not my feelings towards them.
As I said earlier, Saturday night definitately could have been handled very differently on my part which I have apologized to my FH for but am I totally over reacting about the situation as a whole?
Post # 2
This sounds like a big ol’ hot mess.To be honest, I’m leaning to the side that you are overreacting. Maybe not by much, but yeah.
You are marrying your fiance, not his friends.
I can mostly understand your fiance not wanting to make a scene with his friends and storm out of his own bachelor party. What I’m wondering is whether he did or did not actually tell his friends no strippers? If he did, and his friends hired them anyway, they’re bad friends. End of story. If he didn’t tell them, then why not? If it’s because he didn’t want to be a “party pooper” that seems like a huge sign of immaturity or lack of esteem to me. It’s his damn bachelor party.
It also sounds like you don’t trust your fiance very much? And that you aren’t able to control yourself while drinking… Essentially calling off the wedding over message? Both of these things are your own red flags. If I had to bet it seems like you have participated in a cycle of social drama and pettiness for so long that you’ve forgotten or haven’t yet learned what it means to be in a relationship.
As for one of the friends getting in trouble with his wife because you brought it up while she was at your bachelorette party??? Did I get that right? Forget them. Not your circus, not your monkeys. If his wife would have been upset by that, then that’s all the way on him to explain and for the two of them to work out. It’s not unreasonable that your fiance would have mentioned strippers to you and for you to mention them to this other man’s wife at your own party.
I’m not sure how old you are, but this all sounds immature to me. I remember a time when I was more swayed by my questionable social circle than my own inner compass, and I’m glad to have outgrown than. I’m sorry if that’s harsh.
I think you and your fiance both owe each other apologies and should then forget about what happened. Focus on yourselves and think hard about how/if your friends are improving your life.
Post # 6
Whoa, WHOA. First of all, stop blaming yourself here. The amount of gaslighting going on by these guys is just INSANE.
1. You and your fiance mutually agreed upon a boundary. It is not YOUR job to inform his friends about HIS bachelor party boundaries, that’s on him. He didn’t tell them anything because he knew what kind of party these friends would plan and he WANTED IT. All he ever had to do is mention that he didn’t want strippers to come to the house, and he refused to do that.
2. You and your fiance agreed on what he would do if he did find himself in a situation where strippers came to the house, but when the time came for him to actually do it, to leave, he had an excuse to stay. Unacceptable! He actually put it ahead of your relationship, and made you feel like he HAD to stay to be a good guy, his friends feel so bad, no one knew, wah wah wah. That’s complete and utter bullshit. He wanted to be there. If he didn’t want to be there, he would have left.
3. He has married friends who lie to their wives about the ‘strippers’ being there for 6 hours, and then his friend has the absolute nerve to say that YOU were almost responsible for ending his marriage? Um, YOU did not lie to his wife and YOU did not do whatever the hell with 5 ‘strippers’ for hours! That’s absolutely disgusting! The only person to blame is him!
4. Your fiance and his friends are engaging in absolute shady behavior the night of your bachelorette party and somehow YOU are the bad guy?
5. 5 strippers for 6 hours in Mexico is not ‘renting strippers’, I would bet my life they were prostitutes, and I would also bet my life that there was a lot of sexual activity, fiance included.
I would absolutely not marry this man. He lies to you, he doesn’t prioritize your relationship, he gaslights you, he is untrustworthy, and his actions have been disgusting as hell. I think you were absolutely in the right frame of mind to tell people not to buy flights. Stop blaming yourself and trying to be the cool, understanding girl and instead be a strong woman who knows her worth and refuses to put up with this crap.
Post # 7
If I were you I’d call off the wedding for real. None of these men respect you, fake apologies or not. Your fiancé blatantly disregarded your feelings and boundaries and he will do it again and again.
Post # 8
I agree with PP. this should have been kept between you and future husband. He told you that he told his friends no strippers and but he did not? He told you he would leave but then he did not. It’s never good to involve others trust me from experience. I have no strippers policy because it exploits those women and I don’t think it’s necessary and it’s OTT.
Post # 9
It’s not up to the friends to apologize to you. Apparently your fiance never told his friends what he told you he did when he told you. Your issues are with him. That said, I’d have no further use for the planners of this event.
You did not overreact by telling the wife what was going on or risk her marriage. The participants in this event did that all on their own.
You have every right to mistrust your fiance at this point. I would not believe a word that any of them are saying right now.
Post # 10
Personally I think you are over reacting, but I would be upset. I tend to say over reacting because I genuinely wouldn’t think anything of my husband not responding while at his bachelor party and I do trust if he said he was just “present” while the strippers were around that that’s all it would be. You seem to be lacking this trust in your partner. You guys need to find the ability to be honest and lay out what exactly happened the night he went awol and what he did or didn’t say about boundaries to his buddies.
Post # 11
It wasn’t that he wasn’t responding during the bachelor party. This was on a separate night that he and his friend sent messages in unison that they were ‘going to bed’ and then did not answer the phone for the rest of the night. I doubt they were getting in their jammies, brushing their teeth, and then decided to send all their wives and girlfriends goodnight texts at exactly the same time and fell asleep immediately. Sounds to me like there were further goings on and they didn’t want to be interrupted.
I absolutely believe that your husband would just be ‘present’, but this particular guy misled his fiance into thinking he would honor their agreed-upon boundaries and then he didn’t. So I don’t see what trust she could possible have in his actions or intentions at this point.
Post # 12
I understand being upset but I do think drunkenly calling off the wedding was an over reaction.
has your fiancé given you reasons in the past not to trust him, does he have a history of going back on his word?
if this was a one off situation I wouldn’t call off the wedding over it, but that’s just me.
Post # 13
You are wayyyy overreacting. It was a bachelor party.
Post # 14
Now I’m very lenient when it comes to strippers, but 5 strippers for 6 hours at a private house party in Mexico would bother me. It seems excessive… not to mention expensive. Like why?!
Were you disrespected: Yes
Did you overreact: Yes
Essentially you blew your hand by reacting as you did. Any remorse that FH and friends felt disappeared when you sent those texts. This is not at all your fault but rather their shady minds drawing that conclusion. I would definitely bring this up in your pre-marriage counseling!
Post # 15
I personally don’t believe you’re overreacting. Your fiance disrespected you, went against your wishes and your agreed upon boundaries, and now he and his friends are trying to gaslight you and make you feel/sound crazy, when you’re understandably upset. The only part of this I would call an overreaction is when you half called off the wedding, but only because you called it off while drunk with no actual intention of following through on the threat.
First of all, stop worrying about your fiance’s friends. You’re not marrying his friends; you’re marrying him. Regardless of if his friends knew about your boundary, it’s your fiance’s job to uphold his promises and agreements to you and respect your boundaries, not his friends. No one tied your fiance down and prevented him from leaving as he promised you he would. And if the friends truly didn’t know about your one boundary, that means your fiance didn’t tell him, which means he wanted the to supply strippers and planned on turning this all around on them so he could enjoy what you didn’t want and not get the blame.
And as for this crap, “particullarly in telling one wife about the strippers and how I could have ruined their marriage.” – NO. Only the man who lied to his wife, and obviously went against her boundaries and wishes, could have possibly ruined his marriage. Someone else telling the wife the truth, is not what would have ruined the marriage. As a matter of fact, if the husband is actively lying to his wife, I’d say the marriage is already on the path to ruin, with nothing at all to do with you.
Post # 16
I agree. This is a whole lot of what you call gaslighting and I call bullshit. I don’t blame you for being upset. Your fiance is really comfortable with lying.
Post # 17
Not sure why you were really texting on the bucks night, should of just let him enjoy what they had planned and spoken about issues afteerwards. This memory will have a sour taste now unfortunately.
With so many people involved, you can’t control everything that goes on, and you just have to trust your partner will behave and let things be. If you don’t trust him, then that is the main issue you need to address.
Yeah, his friends will not really trust you for a while as you seem like the crazy partner, but they will get over it. Yeah, they did the wrong thing, but luckily you are not marrying them.
Post # 18
I would like to point out that he may well have wanted to leave and not be in the house but you are in Cancun Mexico where it isnt exactly safe to walk the streets or even be on the street alone at night even if you are male.
Several years ago hubby and I traveled to a family vacation down there. Our family rented a house so that all the cousins and grands could come and we were told in no uncertain terms that while the resort area near the house was safe, the streets outside are not after a certain time of evening.
While I think your fiance may well have intended to leave the party it might not have been safe for him to do so. If he was having drinks at the bar, then maybe that was his way of getting away while maintaining his safety.
Crime has gotten so bad in Cancun the Mexican Army has opened a military base to combat the problem. Street thugs and drug crime are on the rise and Americans are prime targets for kidnap and ransom.