Post # 79
First off, I don’t understand your hostility towards my opinion. However, a man will do as he pleases at a bachelor party or not. It doesn’t take a special event for someone who wants to misbehave to misbehave. That being said, whether or not he is to blame is irrelevant because of her actions and behavior. Now she is looked upon as the “crazy and controlling one” by his friends and most likely by him as well. I do not feel she handled it in the right way.
In addition, we did not set boundaries for our parties. I would not have married my DH if he was the type of person that would cross my boundaries. I simply joked with him saying, “have a great time just remember syphilis lasts forever” and that was that.
Post # 80
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I think he purposefully misled you into believing that he was uncomfortable with strippers and that he’d made it crystal-clear to his friends that he didn’t want them.
Also, you didn’t threaten anyone else’s relationship by revealing what they did at the party—if anything, he threatened it by lying by omission and doing something he knew well enough was outside of his wife’s boundaries (if they were within bounds, he wouldn’t have had to hide it).
either way, even if your SO did tell them not to invite strippers but he stayed and partook in the festivities, he’s not got enough of a backbone to be a husband. if he lets his friends talk him out of the clear, reasonable boundaries set within the relationship with the woman he’s about to commit to spending his life with, you’ve got bigger fish to fry.
my guess is that he wanted the strippers there all along and simply used his friends as a scapegoat to be able to participate because they’re his *friends* and he was too afraid to stand up to them AT HIS OWN PARTY. also he lied to you about telling his friends not to invite them…
no one here is at fault except your SO. he’s the one who owes you loyalty. I wouldn’t be able to trust a word he says after this…just like I don’t believe they hung out with the strippers doing nothing until 1am. perhaps the only thing you did wrong was start the group chat cancelling the wedding, but that’s nothing in comparison to what he’s done. I’d pump the brakes here, Bee.
idk why people in society seem to have this notion that a bachelor party is a free-for-all to do whatever the fuck you want and get away with it outside of the established boundaries of your relationship, and like if the partner gets upset about the goings-on that they’re “overreacting” or a buzzkill.
Post # 81
We file: My fiancé/husband’s bachelor party was in Cancun/Vegas/New Orleans/Amsterdam and there were strippers, but I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING posts in the same folder in which we keep the generic: I KNOW he would never physically/actually cheat!
Post # 82
Until now, I didn’t know that prostitution was legal in Mexico.
That means the sex workers are subject to periodic health checks. According to wikisexguide (who knew that was a thing), 5% are found to have STIs, usually gonorreah. Nice.
The age of consent is 18, but, apparently, that is not always strictly enforced.
I did a little perusing of comments on boards like Trip Advisor. The Bee who said that Mexican strip clubs and American strip clubs are not alike was right. It doesn’t seem to be any secret that patrons are welcome to “allow themselves to be seduced” in private by the dancer of their choice.
As for strippers performing privately in hotel rooms; it’s a no brainer why they’re there. If guys really just want to watch dancing or get lap dances, they would be in the clubs saving piles of money over the expense of bringing the sex workers to the hotel.
There are sites with pretty blunt and graphic info about how to plan a Cancun bachelor party. There is no room for misinterpretation.
I need a shower now.
Post # 83
So, you didn’t set boundaries for your party, but you know your partner woild never cross your boundaries? Sounds like you have boundaries. 🤔 caitlinbee :
Post # 84
I live in Mexico. We don’t really have go-home strippers…we have escorts. Escorts advertise themselves as prostitutes, and they allow basically anything as long as you can pay for it.
Strippers are for the clubs, and, yes, they can also be paid to perform sexual acts.
In Mexico, it is of common knowlegde that paying for escorts means having sex -or as borderline to sex as possible. If I am honest, most women in Mexico would be more comfortable with their men going to a strip club than having an escort at home.
Also…if they all rented a house, why didn’t he just leave the room where the strippers where and locked himself in his own room/bathroom? If he was really upset with everything going on, and he wanted to uphold his agreement with you, wouldn’t it had been easier to just leave the room and lock oneself in the bathroom? I mean..if the house has a pool I am sure it must have had at least 2 bedrooms, one of which he could have locked himself in and watch some Netflix on his phone.
Post # 85
syphilis is actually one of the treatable ones!
OP, I didn’t really agree with any of the options in your poll, but I ended up voting that you overreacted…because I think you did with his friends. With your Fiance, I think you might be underreacting. He is the one person who owes you anything. He absolutely knew what was going to happen there, and while it was happening did not take any number of possible actions to remove himself from the situation. He sounds untrustworthy and gross.
Post # 86
meaning there wasn’t a need to sit down and have the conversation. I know him and he knows me well. If I thought he was the type of person that would engage in the type of behavior indicated on this post, then I would have never said yes to marrying him.
Post # 87
caitlinbee : Now she is looked upon as the “crazy and controlling one” by his friends and most likely by him as well. I do not feel she handled it in the right way.
I would agree with this only because her main concern seems to be at this point how these friends consider her, not about whether or not her finance is trustworthy.
I think the difference in answers in here is basically a number of people thinking she should have gone scorched earth with this crew- not because it was necessarily in itself the appropriate action, but because it would force her to cut ties with her fiance and his frat boy friends who all seem to habitually hire exploited sex workers and lie to their wives about it.
But if the question is only in the context of “I am still going to marry my fiance and we will continue to socialize with these men, so should I have sent that email and should I continue to hold a grudge against them which evidently only hurts myself” then yes, I guess sending that email was not a prudent course of action, and she might as well do her best to get over it, because it appears that these friends aren’t going anywhere and they have a larger influence over her fiance than she does.
Post # 88
caitlinbee : However, a man will do as he pleases at a bachelor party or not. It doesn’t take a special event for someone who wants to misbehave to misbehave. That being said, whether or not he is to blame is irrelevant because of her actions and behavior.
For real? So boys will be boys and it’s up to us girls to stay level-headed? And if we don’t stay calm then our reaction is worse than whatever they did in the first place?
Post # 89
I think her point is that if a guy wants to screw around on his wife/fiance, all the boundary discussions in the world won’t change that. Telling a guy “don’t fuck a hooker at your bachelor party” isn’t going to be the reason he doesn’t do it. It’s not like he’s going to say, well I didn’t know
that crossed your personal boundaries because we never had that discussion!
Post # 90
OP, I would definitely bet your FH is lying to you about this whole situation. He and his friends planned it all out. He knew what was going to happen. And I’m sure his friends knew about your boundaries, and agreed to keep a secret for the boys.
I have stricter boundaries than you. I’m not ok with strip clubs. My DH has always known this, so boundaries don’t change for a bachelor party. It’s not any different than any regular day. He had a friend who texted him several times about planning a strip club bachelor night. DH told me about this and told his friend that wasn’t going to happen. I also talked to this friend’s wife, who had a conversation with me specifically about how her husband does not go to strip clubs. I didn’t tell her that her husband was reaching out to try to plan exactly that.
We actually ended up skipping bach parties all together. It seems like there are definitely a number of married men who think it’s just an excuse to push their boundaries and go have a “good time.”
Anyways, in your situation, I would not be getting married. I know, easier said than done, but protect yourself, Bee. Would you be ok with this happening on other occasions? Other bach parties? Random nights with the guys? Don’t change your boundaries for him.
Post # 91
futuremrs2020 : sassy411 : Yep. While I still acknowledge it’s a stereotype and not true 100% of the time, I suspect it’s true more often than women would like to think.
Two years ago my SO went to a bachelor party for our highschool friend in Vegas. His fiancee did not want him going to strip clubs. He told her they weren’t going to. They mostly gambled and ate and went to Cirque du Soleil. But they still went to a strip club as well. According to my SO, the friend got a private lap dance and made a crass comment about how enjoyable it was despite being only a lap dance. I don’t think the wife knows, based on an exchange I saw between the best man and one of the groom’s frat brothers in a group chat. It honestly tore me up a little inside when I learned about it, because I know that if I were her I would want to know, but I’m not close enough to her to know what she would want and feel comfortable saying anything to her.
While my SO hated Vegas and has no interest in travelling anywhere for his bachelor party, I also just assume his friends are going to take him to a strip club because of how common this shit is. I would hope they won’t encourage him to get a lap dance or anything else, but I also wouldn’t put it past them. Which I find gross and sad, but the strip club itself doesn’t bother me as much as the potential for lying. So in the meantime I’m trying to think of tactful way to say to him when the time comes, “Hey, I’m not telling you what you can and can’t do at your party. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you will be respectful of me and our relationship. But just a reminder that I think your friend is a scumbag for what he did, and a heads up that if you lie to me like that, you are scumbag too, even if I never find out. Have fun.”
Post # 92
No, your not his mother, but a grown ass man who was mature and respectful 1) wouldn’t put himself in a position to be caught doing sketchy shit he said he wouldn’t do. 2) would do EVERYTHING in his power to excuse himself from a sketchy situation, not blame his fiance for blowing up his phone and “ruining his good time” for having a right to be upset.
That is so immature to in anyway blame the partner for being upset when the other person violated trust. HELL NO.
Post # 93
Yep, the boys will be boys thing is disgusting glad you pointed this out.