(Closed) Overreacting about bachelor party??

posted 1 year ago in Parties
  • poll: Is the brides feelings of disrespect wrong?

    No, I would feel the same way

    Yes, boys will be boys

    No, but she did overreact

    Yes, but most brides do about bachelor parties

  • Post # 94
    Member
    356 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

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    Tatum :  Thank you for explaining my thoughts more clearly. 

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    NikkiBee18 :  Never did I say boys will be boys – and I don’t agree with that statement. Crappy inividuals will be crappy individuals at all times and in any situation. I did not mean to imply that her reaction dismisses his actions. 

    I believe that when someone is in the wrong and the other person makes a huge scene (which she did), then the focus transfers from his wrong to her over reaction. The guys will now use this as a means of deflecting their wrong on focusing on her overreaction. She didn’t place herself in a good position by reacting that way. 

    Her Fiance should be loyal to her, not his friends. She could have had a conversation, got angry with him privately etc. I don’t agree with the way she went about it I don’t feel it was a mature and appropriate reaction to what happened. I would hate being the bride at a wedding after this situation, but frankly I wouldn’t be going through with the wedding. You can tell a lot about a person by the friends he/she associates with and I would not be able to continue a relationship with someone who has friends like that. 

    Post # 95
    Member
    356 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

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    mrsssb :  I didn’t blame her, I said she handled it the wrong way. The way she handled it put her in a situation where she has to not only bring up his actions but also defend herself – that’s not a good position to be in. 

    Also, no one ever said boys will be boys. That’s not what that statement meant. 

    Post # 96
    Member
    13606 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    The OP’s reaction was highly emotional and public, but if she calls off the wedding, which in my opinion is an excellent idea based even on what we already do know, it won’t end up mattering in the long run. 

    Post # 97
    Member
    423 posts
    Helper bee

    I think strippers for a bachelor party is stupid in general. And just plain immature for a man getting married. And in Cancun? That is just low to me because people are pretty poor in Mexico. I mean Cancun is a bit of an exception but still.

    I don’t think I would care if my husband had that at his bachelors party. But I would have found that wildly out of the norm for him and his group. Just not appropiate anymore for men with kids and or in 30s or almost there. I would just be more confused if they did that than pissed. 

    Your FH friends sound super immature. They won’t respect your marriage if they aren’t respecting their own. Just saying.

    Post # 98
    Member
    1938 posts
    Buzzing bee

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    caitlinbee :  I was a hostile about your comment because I could not believe that someone could read what happened, completely ignore how damaging the fiance’s actions were, and then tell the OP she RUINED HIS BACHELOR PARTY. Your comment makes it sound like he can violate their boundaries and her trust, but she needs to keep her mouth shut so he can have a good time.

    You WERE blaming the OP, you completely minimized what her fiance did and put the focus on her actions, as though sending a message in an established group text to her friends puts her remotely in the category of her fiance’s wrongdoing. She didn’t set his car on fire for goodness sake.  I also don’t like the comment about how your own husband would never do any of this and you didn’t even need to have a discussion about it. It’s incredibly naive. How many times have we had these threads where the bride trusted her fiance completely and then later learned he cheated? Your relationship isn’t different from the hundreds of other women who felt exactly the same way. 

    Post # 99
    Member
    871 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2020 - Hampton, VA

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    caitlinbee :   a man will do as he pleases at a bachelor party or not.  It doesn’t take a special event for someone who wants to misbehave to misbehave. That being said, whether or not he is to blame is irrelevant because of her actions and behavior.

     

    That’s the part I saw as most bothersome with your reply. Whether or not he is to blame is 110% still relevant. She reacted with strong emotion because she had been betrayed by the man she loved and trusted to care for her. She had a few drinks so her feelings were out there after she relaxed and let it out. She’s human. She’s not at fault for that.

    & I think she did what she actually wants to do that night because she was tipsy: but now the fear inside her mind of all the repercussions of calling off a wedding to a dude she and her family and friends all believed to be loyal to her is taking over. Shit’s tough.

    But she didn’t do anything wrong here. She reacted honestly. HE did not.

    Post # 101
    Member
    2420 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

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    strawberrysakura :  I do think her original comment was perhaps clumsily written, but I understand what she means.

     

    What she’s getting at, is that the OP had a very legitimate grievance with her fiance, and his friends (if she was under the impression they were her friends as well, which appears is not the case), and by her blowing up on Facebook, she has eclipsed her own legitimate grievance with her own freak out.

    I don’t think she’s trying to say OP’s behavior is worse than her fiance’s- I think she’s saying the OP has given fiance deflection material on a silver platter. Had she not had the freak out, the focus could have remained solely on fiance’s poor behavior, where it should be.

     

    If OP was prepared to leave the fiance over this, which I think a lot of posters- including Caitlin and myself-are in agreement that she should, it would be moot.

     

    But we all know the OP is staying with him. These posts always end with the OP staying. So now the waters are muddied since he can play the “you’re a control freak drama queen” card. Again, I am not saying this is going to happen because it’s fair, I am saying it’s going to happen because guys like the OP’s fiance love deflecting blame. 

    Post # 102
    Member
    1939 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

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    Tatum :  “she has eclipsed her own legitimate grievance with her own freak out.”

    I get that. We have all been raised and trained to see an emotional outburst as an opportunity to write someone off or label them. Literally do anything BUT accept that they might have actual feelings that need to and should be expressed. We can’t keep doing that to each other. We all need to change the way we interpret emotions from other people. IF we don’t change that and stop piling on each other than we are going to continue to have assholes who perpetuate toxic masculinity and will continue to write women off as “Crazy” 

    Post # 103
    Member
    2420 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

     

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    mrsssb :  but we’re not talking about how WE see the OP, we are talking about how the OP is going to get along with her fiance in the future, since she’s in all likelihood staying with him.

     

    Caitlin was saying if she’s going to stay in a relationship where the husband breaks her trust and gaslights her, learning to keep her emotions in check is going to be a necessity.

     

    To be clear, I believe Caitlin was trying to say that the OP can’t react like this, not because it’s not right, but because pragmatically, it will be used against her by her husband. Obviously the best case would be to get OUT of a relationship like this, but if one is going to stay in it, they need to learn how to mitigate these issues.

    Post # 104
    Member
    1939 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

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    Tatum :  I think it does involve we because here WE all are talking about it and telling all the women on here who read these posts, that other women (US) support the idea that everyone will think OP is crazy for having her emotional reaction. We are all giving the OP advice that her emotional reaction is going to label her as crazy. 

    So yeah, we are having an impact right here and now about how people handle other women’s emotional reactions. Why are we not giving her advice that her emotional reaction was completely understandable and that we support her.

    That if anyone in her live gives her a hard time for the reaction she had that she should look them square in the eye and say, ” Yes his actions made me mad, and sad, i have emotions about this situation and that does not take anything away from the wrongness of my fiance’s actions. I am not controlling or crazy. I am specifically angry, and disgusted by what he did.”

     

    “Caitlin was saying if she’s going to stay in a relationship where the husband breaks her trust and gaslights her, learning to keep her emotions in check is going to be a necessity.”  –And Absolutely will i not EVER EVER encourage a woman to keep her emotions in check and shut up to enable a shitty relationship or abuse. OP should never hear from ANYONE that to survive she is going to have to shut up and sit down. 

     

    Post # 105
    Member
    2420 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

     

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    mrsssb :  No, pretty much everyone has told her she should leave this relationship. I am sure they would be supportive of her being in a relationship where it was safe to have an emotional outburst.

     

    In this very specific case, with this very specific fiance, having an emotional outburst will give him the tools he needs to manipulate her.

     

    Having an emotional outburst in general is not a bad thing. Having one with a manipulator like him is giving him power.

     

    ETA: by safe I mean in terms of having her feelings validated and understood by a respectful partner, I am not suggesting it was not physically safe for her to speak out.

    Post # 106
    Member
    1939 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

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    Tatum :  Yeah we all gave her the support to leave. But some bee’s including 
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    caitlinbee :  are encouraging OP and all of the people reading this post to continue blaming woman for their emotions. I made that clear I was directly addressing that in my comments. I stand by what I said. 

    Post # 107
    Member
    356 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

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    strawberrysakura :  I’m entitled to my own opinion, as you are to yours. Please do not question my realtionship with my DH, its inappropriate. I’m not naive. Unfourtantely, no one is immuned to their spouse cheating on him/her. However, I also am a strong believer that those we associate with say a lot about who we are as individuals. 
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    Tatum :  understood my statement. Could it have been written more clearly, yes, I can accept that. I honestly thought that it was clear, but obviously it was only clear to myself and a few others.  I will be sure to be more clear with my statements so that others will understand. However, I was not blaming OP for her FH actions. I think I have explained my comment since then, so I do not see a need for me to repeat what I already have said. 

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    youmaysayimadreamer :  To me, the wrong action and the overreaction are separate. She has a right to be upset at her FH and only her FH. He has a right to be upset at her reaction.

    Just because someone does something wrong does not mean you go and do something wrong in return.  Being tipsy or drunk is not an a valid excuse in my opinon (on both sides).

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    mrsssb :  You dont get it. You didnt understand my comment and you still dont after it was explained by another bee and myself multiple times. Im not going to entertain your offer to read an article. I said THEY will now turn it on her as being crazy and controlling. So instead of HIM being at fault THEY BOTH are at fault. 

    Post # 108
    Member
    1938 posts
    Buzzing bee

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    Tatum :  But that isn’t what she said. She said that she’s at fault for ruining his bachelor party and that she should have behaved herself when her fiance did not. All of that is victim blaming. 

    I completely understand the concept of ‘he who makes the most noise gets the most trouble’. I don’t think sending some messages to friends is exactly ‘blowing up’, but it certainly plays into the narrative these men set up to think so. They were always going to deflect blame. They lie and betray, fiance included. I understand the advice to not become a victim of their deflection, but you are NEVER safe from people who are looking for someone to blame. Any reaction ever is an excuse for them to pass off responsibility for their own actions, and the OP can’t live her life moderating her emotions so other people don’t use her as a scapegoat. It’s a mistake to counsel her to do so in future to order to get along with others, and furthermore the OP isn’t asking for advice on how to get along with her fiance in the future. She’s asking for advice about this particular situation. 

    She didn’t eclipse her legitmate grievance with her ‘freakout’, because getting angry amongst friends isn’t as damaging as married and engaged men hiring sex workers. The male friends are trying to make it seem so because it serves them, and I don’t think it’s helpful to feed that beast. I think it’s much more helpful to tell the OP her wrong wasn’t anywhere near on the scale of his and to stop worrying about it, don’t buy into what the men are saying, and stand by her anger and sense of right and wrong. Their narrative only works if everyone buys into it, and so long as people do not, it has no power. 

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