(Closed) over waiting , help :(

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I set a timeline with my Fiance – and I was willing to stick to it. It wasn’t a threat and it wasn’t an ultimatum. It was me telling him my plans for my life and if he wanted to participate in them, he could. If not, then we would not continue seeing each other. 

We picked the timeline TOGETHER. We’d been dating a year and a half (living 3 hours apart) and I was moving down to be closer to him. He had 8 months from then to propose, or I would be moving back home and we would be over. Not in a mad way, just a “I can’t wait around forever” way. I am also in my later 20s and was not willing to spend them all on someone who couldn’t commit. I made this all very clear when I moved (and kept my home in the other city) and told him NOT to let me move if he didn’t think it was headed towards engagement, but that ending it would be an acceptable outcome.

It sounds very business-like when I tell it that way, but it happened through many conversations between us, and I’d been clear since we started dating what the end in mind is.

Your late 20’s are a precious time if marriage and childen are a life goal for you. Sure, it can happen later, but the risks and livelihoods statistically get worse and worse. Be purposeful if what you want is marriage and set a plan in motion for your life. If he wants to get on board, that would be the best, but don’t sacrifice your dreams and your younger years waiting for a man who won’t commit.

Post # 5
Member
14402 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Live your life and enjoy it while you’re waiting.  If you want to travel.. go!  There’s no reason to sit around in this waiting stage and restrict yourself or pick seeing him over traveling if that’s what you want to do.  Do what makes you happy.  My story though?  I waited 7 years and was done waiting.  I left, met my now husband shortly after, and was engaged after 2 years.

Post # 7
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

Don’t put your life on hold for this guy! If you want to get out and see the world, DO IT! What better time to it than when you’re not bogged down with a family of your own! 

I absolutely believe in setting timelines for yourself. 7 years is a very long time to be dating, particularly without the option of moving in together. I can see how it might feel like it’s going nowhere at times. 

I would sit down with him and ask him for a timeline of his own, while keeping your own to yourself. Ask him for an exact period of time with which you will get engaged and married. If he’s wishy washy about it or resists, well then your timeline kicks in and you book the most fabulous trip you can think of.

Post # 8
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@sweetshan:  I can’t really blame someone for putting school ahead of getting married.  I know I wouldn’t consider marrying anyone before I finished getting my degree.

How much longer will it take to get his CA?  I don’t really see a problem with getting married at “nearly 30.”  I’m 28 and probably not getting married until 29 or 30, either.  Lot’s of women don’t TTC until much later. 

However, there are a few problems I see here. First, there’s a problem of HIM setting timelines without you agreeing to them.  Second, there’s a problem with you putting your life on hold for the “fairytale” of getting married. 

My advice to you is not to put your life on hold.  You will resent him.  I know you want to save up for this wedding, but live your life first.  You won’t get a second chance later.  Go ahead and travel, do the things you want to do, spend the money on that.  When it comes time to get married, save up again. 

Which dream is more important to you?  Traveling or getting married and having a fairytale wedding?  It might seem like getting married and having a fairytale wedding is top priority right now, but if you look back at your life 20 years from now, which will you regret not doing more?  Travelling or having a fairytale wedding?

PERSONALLY, I would travel and reconsider the budget for a fairytale wedding.  I would rather travel and elope than give up my dream of travelling for a man who isn’t giving up his dream of an education (which I do NOT blame him for).

Post # 10
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

From what you’ve said it sounds like you are different places in life. Its normal to want to finish school before getting married, but it sounds like you are at a different point and this isnt working for you πŸ™

Post # 11
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@sweetshan:  In my opinion, he’s not saying he won’t marry you, just that he wants his CA before doing so. He’s trying to make sure he’s in the best place possible, before taking on the responsibility associated with having a family and dependents.

If you love this man enough to marry him, the thought of leaving him would never even cross your mind. It would be one thing if this man was saying he never wanted to marry you, but he’s not. 

You’re only 26, your still quite young, you don’t have a biological clock ticking down to when you can no longer have children. 

An aside, have you considered the possibility that he said that to throw you off for when he proposes? Maybe he realized that by saying you will marry next year he was basically saying he will propose by the end of this year. 

Post # 12
Member
8461 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@sweetshan:  In order to start a marriage on the right foot, both parties have to be ready to get married.  You’re only 26, you don’t want to look back and think you didn’t enjoy your mid 20’s just because your boyfriend didn’t propose to you.  Go out and travel, do the things that you want to do, and see the world.  You still have plenty of time.

Post # 13
Member
504 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

my sister went through almost this exact same scenario, first it was when he would finish law school, then it was when he would have his student loans paid off and then it was when his practice was established. You need to really reflect on your own priorities. Go and travel and don’t think about saving for a wedding. You might find when he sees that you are living your own fulfilled authentic life it will make him want to marry you or it will show you he really just can’t commit- my sister moved on with her life and her ex is still unmarried.

Post # 16
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Geduld vroumens. As hy nog sy twee jare moet klaarmaak verdien hy beslis nie genoeg geld om te trou nie. Gun hom die kans om homself te verbeter. Jy is nog so jonk. 

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