- 6 years ago
Hey ladies – I’m new here.
I’m not really looking for advice, per se. I know what options are available to me. I really just need a place to vent. I can’t vent to any of my friends because they are all either happily engaged/married or very pro-single/anti-marriage.
SO and I have been together 4 years. At 1 year, he started telling me I was his wife, and when I corrected him (every time), he would say that one day I’d be his wife. He told me over and over and OVER how he couldn’t wait to start a life with me, call me his wife, grow old together, etc etc etc. It was around this time that we decided to take a trip to Europe. Even before our relationship, I had always planned on law school. During our relationship, I studied for the LSAT, took it, and got into some great schools.
At 1.5 years he took me ring shopping. He asked me my ring size, and had me try on various styles at 1 jewelry store. He took home bridal/ring magazines and asked me to look at rings online with him, which we did on several different days.
At 2 years, we traveled to Europe. It was the summer before I was supposed to leave for law school (the school I chose was 2.5ish hours away. He did not want to give up his career and move across the country to Colorado with me, where I was also accepted. And I did not want to lose him. For the record, both schools were rated almost exactly the same, and the school I chose was actually cheaper than the one in CO).
A week before we left for Europe (UK, Germany, & Paris), we were of course planning and packing and setting up a friend to watch his cat. He tells me his parents decided to come down and they will be staying at his place halfway through our trip, and then they will be picking us up from the airport. Odd, because they only ever came down at Christmas, and it was May. And there was literally no reason for them to come down. And why stay there for a week while their son isn’t even home? I was SURE a proposal was imminent. I blissfully imagined us getting engaged in Europe and returning to open arms from his parents, congratulating us and welcoming me to the family (I love his family).
Yeah, you know where this is going: No proposal. We discussed it a little while after our trip that I was sure a proposal was coming and that I was very hurt and he was basically like, “LOL, you’re leaving for law school next month. Why would we get engaged? Why would you think that we were going to get engaged?” Then he proceeds to tell me that even if we stayed together through 3 years of long-distance law school, he wouldn’t want to get engaged for another year or two after my return, and then another year or two for the engagement….which would have put us at getting married at around 7 years of being together. (I know a lot of people wait this long and eventually do get married…but I was ready, and I was sure (based on his words and actions) that he was ready, too. 7 years wasn’t going to do it for me).
So, I go to law school. I get really sick. I get really depressed. I get suicidal (because of aforementioned illness and depression + law school stress + first ever move + no friends, because the illness was keeping me from succeeding the way I had imagined in law school, etc etc etc). Several doctors, a few months, and only a few answers later, I dropped out (“medically withdrew”). Turns out what had been misdiagnosed and come and gone over the past 12 years of my life was ovarian cysts. Lots and lots and lots of them. And one golf-ball sized one. But then I did some research, and found a disease called endometriosis, and I was sure I had it. Nobody believed me, but I just knew I had it.
So I move back home with my parents. I’m barely able to work. Barely able to get out of bed some days (due to both illness and depression). Things are rough. My old boss was nice enough to hire me back, even though I was working 6-10 hours a week at a maximum. I couldn’t find a new job because I miss so much work. I continued researching this strange disease, endometriosis. I saw a few natural doctors. I started the endometriosis diet. I started doing yoga to help with pain and depression. I started seeing a therapist to work through issues of feeling like I had “failed” at law school and anxiety which had taken over my life. I started my own business to attempt to supplement my income. My SO was supportive throughout everything, though understandably frustrated. We fought a few times over engagement issues during this time. I began to feel really hurt.
I found an exellent surgeon over an hour away from home and waited 6 months to get in with him. I meet him and as I shake his hand, I tell him I want him to cut me open. He reviews my case and does the exams and agrees that he thinks “endo” is likely. We schedule surgery for a few weeks away, January. I’m terrified (first ever surgery) but I do it. It changed my life. Guess what? I had endometriosis, and I had it bad. All of my pelvic organs were fused together, and they called it ” Severe Stage 3″ (of 4) Almost immediately, everything in my life improved.
Two weeks after surgery, the SO brings up getting engaged/married and that he is so incredibly proud of the steps I’ve taken to get through this tough time in my life – all the difficult decisions I’d made, etc. He asks about wedding rings and what happens during a marriage ceremony, and asks if we can go ring shopping soon. (By this time we have been together over 3 years). Obviously I’m like UM YEAH! He tells me he is ready to settle down with me and that our future is so bright now that we got rid of my serious health issues (btw endo has no cure…it comes back). He tells me he is looking into buying a house for us to move into together, and he can’t wait to build a home with me. He promises we will be engaged by the end of 2016. I told him that was too long, and that I wouldn’t move in with him unless we were engaged.
So we start researching loans. We research house-buying. We research banks. We research, we calculate, we budget, we recalculate, we talk to loan officers, he gets preapproved for a loan. He takes me ring shopping to 4 or 5 different places. We spend hours looking online. We search for potential houses daily. This is over the course of Jan – June. In June we fly to (wait for it) Colorado for his brother’s wedding (they had only been together a 1.25 years when they got married……….which made me super jealous and pissed and bitter and angry and I got really good at lashing out at my SO).
We return in July, SO hires a realtor. He is getting really serious about this house thing. We have a ring budget set. He knows what I want. He knows the style, cut, etc. He knows I don’t want him to spend much on the ring. He finds houses he likes. We look at houses EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Two weeks ago, he tells me out of the blue (WHILE I’m talking about a house I found) that he wants to move to Colorado to be closer to his family. Quit his career (with great retirement and benefits) and do something else.
I am obviously quite hurt over this sudden change in plans, and I tell him I don’t want to move there and leave my own family (disabled parents needing care). The plan was to stay here until he hit 20 years at his job and then discuss moving out of state (we both dislike the weather). We sort of break up? Then I decide maybe this is a good opportunity. Maybe I should consider my own happiness and consider moving.
We start to discuss hypotheticals. There is a company that I’ve always wanted to work for in Denver. But then SO tells me he ONLY wants to live in CO Springs, near his family. Which I think is completely unfair because a) I would be moving across the country to be with him, so why can’t he compromise on the city? and b) I have a company that I actually want to work for picked out, and he doesn’t even know what he would want to do for a career.
We discuss engagement timelines. If we move, engagement within 3 months? 6 months? He is upset that I won’t wait til the end of 2016. I say I’d like to be at least engaged before any moving takes place (we would move in February/March). Length of engagement? Etc.
Anyways, I feel used, heartbroken, misled, sad, angry, bitter, foolish, etc. Every time I believe we will get engaged, something comes up. I feel like he has been dangling this carrot (marriage/home together/etc.) in front of me for years and I’m so pissed! He knows how important marriage is to me.
I’m at a point where I’m thinking of cutting the cord because even if he proposed tomorrow, I think I resent him too much. I’m not sure I’d say yes. And he would be proposing out of obligation rather than desire to be married to me. And he obviously doesn’t want to be with me that bad….or he would have proposed by now and started our forever instead of making excuses over and over again.
Just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening and letting me get that frustration off my chest.