(Closed) Overall marriage advice

posted 10 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

EmilyBrooke- I just got married, so I can’t really answer your question, but you might want to post this query on the "encore" board that just started.

It’s for women planning second weddings (for one or both partners).  They may be best to answer your questions, because they’ve been through a divorce and are using what they learned when choosing another partner.

Post # 4
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Sure, we can move this into the Encore boards. 🙂

Post # 5
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

Well speaking for my Fiance and his ex, everything changed when his ex gave birth to their daughter.  She ignored him, and put herself completely into her daughter.  She even kicked him out of the bedroom so the baby could sleep in the bed with her!  He just felt like when the baby came into the marriage, she kicked him out.

Post # 6
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

My xh’s company merged with another company and they moved operations to a large city.  We went from being a very very happy young couple and successful to being in our early 30’s living with more money than we knew what to do with.  He changed simple as that.  We had NO problems until he became super successful because he suddenly believed he had no boundaries and was superman.  And that would include cheating as his superpower .

He was unfaithful to me and to our son.  I consider it a FAMILY betrayal.  I won’t go into detail b/c it would probably freak alot of you out the depth of some of the lies.  But I spoke with both our minister back home, a counselor he visited (and lied to) and it was the unanimous decision that I should divorce him.  When we divorced, he remarried the day after and became a father again 3 months later.  History is yet repeating itself now in his life and she’s enduring even more than I did.  Oh well, you reap what you sow ya know?

I was a good and faithful wife, good friend to him, we had a great romance, we were physically comptabile, took trips often, and wanted more kids.  When I found out, I was devastated.  He lived a double life it turns out.

Post # 7
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

oh my gosh. that is horrible. I am so sorry to hear that bellanga.

Post # 8
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

It’s in the past now.  But why I am happily starting over.  Why I am celebrating this renewal and beginning so much!

I thought I’d have been married forever.  But there was a different plan for my life.  A deeper love, and maturity to go along with it.  And there’s alot of irony.  For example, I moved and built my dream home with my x.  Left it, utterly crushed with my child, and in finanical ruin (he lied about money).  I learned really quicky that money is NOT gonna make you happy since I had very little and re-entered my profession after having been a stay at home mom.   

Four and a half years later, after I never thought I’d fall in love again..I meet my guy.  We’re laughing and talking and he asks where I live (we are in large metro area).  I tell him.  I ask where he lives, and he says same general area I once lived in where the dream house was.  We talk some more and he asks where did I live in that area?  Well he lives in the SAME subdivision.  Same one.  So I firmly believe if you’re a good person, love others, put others before yourself, ONLY GOOD things will come in time.  My family, friends and of course guy, know this IS NOT coincidence we met.

All that I lost, I gained back again and more.  But I kept the faith. 

I think what matters most is you treat others, including your spouse how you wish to be treated.  That’s the secret to friendship, family and marriage.  Silly yet simple but the best advice I could give.  For if you do that, even in the face of the worst possible things happening around you, you will remain positive and the love will be returned..maybe not how you want it to, but it will happen. 

Post # 9
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m definitely not divorced, but my parents are. They say they got divorced basically because, to quote my mom, they were "young and stupid." They married when my mom was 21, he was 23, I was born a year and a day later. When it got tough, instead of sticking it out and working through it, they gave up. My mom has said many times that she believes they could have been very happy together if they’d just had the maturity to work through the problems. So sometimes the best tip for saving your marriage is to just not give up!

My parents would also want me to add that the reason their new marriages have been so successful is because of their relationship’s with God. I’m an atheist, so I don’t feel the same, but I know their number one piece of advice would be to go to church together, pray together, etc.

MY advice, as an engaged-person, is to read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I cannot tell you enough how much that book changed the way I look at love and relationships. It even helped my relationship with my mom! If I ruled the world everyone would read it!

Thanks for starting this thread, I’m interested to see what’s said!

Post # 10
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I believe in the principles of Dr. Willard and Steve Harley.  In fact their advice paved the way for my friends, the encore couple, to get remarried! 

The book "His Needs Her Needs" really needs to be in every house with married people.  Amazing truths and ways to remain connected always.  T’s getting ready to read it with me.  I have practically memorized it. 

Post # 11
Bee
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

Both the marriage and the divorce happened for me because I didn’t at all understand what marriage really meant. I wanted to be married young, so I married a really nice guy who I’d dated for a long while, and who asked me to marry him. I didn’t think about compatibility or communication or forever, I just wanted a wedding and I wanted to be married. I didn’t consider the ramafications of just how long "forever" is!! There were no lies, no deception. The divorce happened because we did not work at the marriage. We pretty much lived together, pretty much like roommates do. We went to college, we went to work. We didn’t share interests (or interests in each other’s interests), we didn’t communicate all that well aside from sarcasm and "What do you want for dinner" types of things. it was a very passive relationship. I never wanted to be divorced, ever. But when it came down to it, working to save the marriage didn’t matter nearly as much to us as going our own separate ways and finding what we really wanted out of life. Neither of us being religious, we didn’t see a reason to be ‘trapped’ for 60 years, kept from finding true love and happiness, due to a big mistake we made when we were 22.

In a nut shell, it sounds like we just got tired of each other and ‘broke up’. Most people would consider this an unacceptable reason to divorce. 

I am now one of those people. I wasn’t then, and I am still quite glad that we’re not together anymore, but I definitely now understand that a real, forever marriage takes lots of very hard work, constant communication, compromise, and honesty to make it work. It’s not always easy – sometimes it sucks. But barring abuse, cheating and other "real problems", you are in it for life. You’re bound together. So (from my point of view) you better be damned sure that man is the one you want, even when he belches or forgets your birthday or leaves your car’s gas tank near ‘E’.. or whatever it is that your specific partner does that drives you nuts. You better be prepared to work out your problems. You better be sure that (unlike me the first time around), the MARRIAGE, to THIS MAN, is what you want.. not just the wedding, or the idea of being married.

Even though my divorce was very "easy" technically (no children/no property/no assets), and we are still friendly to each other… It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It weighed on me like nothing else. It still does, sometimes.  I don’t blame my ex any more than I blame myself for what happened between us. But I never want to go through that again, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone (even in the best of circumstances). The man and I have an agreement that we will try any means necessary to work out our problems, keeping in mind the value of a solid, long-lasting marriage and its necessary ups and downs. The future is bright. 🙂

 

 

Post # 12
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Bump!  I’m really interested to see what people have to say about this one.

The two most important things that I have learned from those around me: Communication and Determination.

 For my Fiance and I, the best thing we ever did was figure out how to tell each other everything, even the things we didn’t want to.  Occasionally we have to remind each other that we’ve made that pact, but it’s so much more direct and effective.

As for determination, we had our very first taste of this the other day, it was both scary and enlightening.  We were both very depressed, and upset over a variety of small things.  We both lied down and had the same thought "We could just call it off … it’d be so much easier.  We wouldn’t have to fix this."  I snapped out of it a little sooner, and though I was still upset, I knew I had to put my feelings aside and fix things.  As soon as I took that first hard step, things almost immedidately fell back into place.  But things might take more work next time, and now I at least feel like I have an idea of what I’m in for.

What else have you ladies learned?

Post # 13
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Wow, what a thread. A confession bees, I am a 2 time loser at Marriage. Yet, I’m trying it again, which seems crazy even to me sometimes, but my Fiancé is so amazing and set so many of my fears right that I just can’t see being unsuccessful this time around. If he wasn’t the guy he is, there is no way I could imagine doing this again

I married my HS sweetheart at 18 had 2 beautiful kids by 21. I went back to school at 23 a time where I knew that the things we wanted for our lives were already different. As I suspected the more I grew individually the farther apart we were. He is still a great guy, a wonderful father and a friend to me, but we know we made the right decisions to divorce after 8 years. I actually got a Christmas card this year thanking me for being the best mom and ex-wife a guy could ask for. We never lost respect for each other, just everything else!

Then came husband 2, I was taken for a ride by a scam artist interested in being taken care of more so than he loved me. I was naïve, caught up and blinded by love, but it took me less than a year to figure it out. He was in love with the idea of me and the life that I have created, but I can truly say that he could never have done the despicable things he did, had he ever loved me.

I would have done anything to make that marriage work, I did love him and I did not want to be divorced twice, but it’s just not something you can do by yourself it turns out. So many give up so easily, I didn’t want to be one of those.I was devastated and had lots of trust issues to work through, intense counseling while trying to save a dead marriage and then after, to lessen the scars. I read lots of books and also 2<sup>nd</sup> the 5 love languages, and will add to it “Getting the love you want” by Hendrix and “I’m right, your wrong, now what?”

So there are going to be a million different reasons why I’m sure, but can I just say you are so very smart to ponder this before you tie the knot. It’s perfectly ok to think about the things you will not accept prior to your marriage. Yes Bee’s, there are even marriage deal breakers. A good thread if you ask me, I’ll start!

Physical Abuse
 

Post # 14
Bee
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

@historybride… YES – we do that. Sometimes we’ll just say "I have no easy way to say this, so I hope you excuse my crude unrefined thought…" or that type of thing. that way the other person is braced for what could otherwise be a stinging comment, and the issue can be elaborated on and dealt with, instead of one of us just getting all huffy and defensive because a comment didn’t sit right.

Post # 16
Bee
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

I think that a lot of grandparents who’ve been married like 50 or 60 years will tell you that it’s not all sunshine and roses, but if you stick together and work it out, you’ll be rewarded with a great marriage and a great lifetime of memories.

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