(Closed) Overall marriage advice

posted 13 years ago in Encore
Post # 17
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My grandparents will be married seventy..yea 70 years this summer.  Their secret?  It’s a joint effort.  It is a team thing.  And communication and treating others as you would treat yourself.

Post # 18
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I haven’t been married very long, so I don’t have a lot of words of wisdom, but my husband and I both come from families with long-lasting marriages.  My parents have been married 30 years, his have been married 27.  What I hear most from them, and from other "marriage role-models" of mine is that they all went into it believing that divorce was never an option for them.  Whatever came their way, they were sticking through it together.  I also have seen a sacrificial kind of love demonstrated where they always put the other person first. 

Recently, but I came across these two guys who went together on a project of interviewing couples all across the United States who have been married for 50+ years.  It’s called Project Everlasting, and they made a documentary about it, and also wrote a book.  I’ve been thinking it would be neat to check it out… has anyone else seen it?  http://www.projecteverlasting.com/ .  I am curious to hear what other people think if they have seen it.  I think it would be inspiring to hear the stories of all these adorable old couples. 🙂

Post # 19
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

This was a great thread — thank you all so much for your honesty.  I’ve wondered the same things emilybrooke.  You bees are so awesome <3

Post # 20
33 posts
  • Wedding: June 2009

Short answer? The ex is gay.

Of course it’s infinitly more complicated than that. We married young; I said yes because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do, he asked because he hoped that would "fix" his "problem".

Post # 21
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Well I come from a long line of married people who never divorced.  I was the only one.  I was a little embarassed when I had to let the whole family know.  But once they found out the reason why, they were so supportive of me.

Like the earlier poster said, my family just didnt’ think divorce was an option available.  Except in my case and with mine, they couldn’t wait for the divorce to go through.  I got the family mulligan on that.

My guy and I also do not believe divorce is an option, even though we’re both divorced.  This is gonna be it.  Lifers.  He and I both had difficult situations to get thru before, and we’re so happy and blessed now!

Post # 22
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2022 - Oakland Manor

I found the link from cheese but I really like simplemarriage.net . all the advice on this board has been great

Post # 23
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’m not divorced… yet 🙂

 I’m kidding sort of. 

My advice is if you don’t like your in-laws (i.e. you have real issues with them) think again about walking down the aisle.   I love my husband- and I can’t imagine marrying anyone else, but after the wedding I ran his credit report and found that his parents stole his identity and charge 22,000 to credit cards in his name.  The only way for him to get rid of this debt, is to turn them in- and he wont (I totally understand this).

   It’s put me in a hard place.  I’ve never liked his family- they are old money, and in the past ten years have gone bankrupt.  When we first met they made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for their son, and passively did everything they could to cause problems (my husband is a great guy, but he’s very naive for 28). 

   I’m currently not speaking to my in-laws, while my husband visits them weekly.  He understands how I feel, and he is torn about how to feel himself- but I push him to remain close to them.  If nothing else, they love him and I know that. 

  Reading my old posts about my Mother-In-Law driving me nuts and manipulating our wedding- I should have seen the signs.  Right now, we’re trying to make this work.  But I sometimes wonder what’s going to happen to us and how long we can do this for. 

Post # 24
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow Maureen that’s horrible what they did to their own son.  Nothing but hugs to you both.  And courage wished to him to stand up to his manipulative parents.

You two can get thru this.

Post # 25
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2022 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

I was immature, and I had all of these (wrong) ideas about how marriage should be.  So when things weren’t wonderful, I blamed him and believed he was just the wrong guy rather than figuring out that I had some growing up to do.

Post # 26
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I was 19 when I got married to the ex.  I knew him for a total of six months before we said "I DO".  I didn’t know who he was or even who I was.  So we got married and I got pregnant.  Turns out he didn’t want kids.  We tried to make it work for a few years after my daughter was born but I knew when I found out I was pregnant that it was over and just cound’t face my family as a failure so I "tried". 

I know that it was a huge mistake, but it was made and it’s done.  I can’t regret it or wish it didn’t happen because my daughter is amazing and I learned a great deal about me and who I am.

Post # 27
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Well congrats and welcome to Encore future Mrs. J!  I am a single mom too (divorced) and it’s so wonderful we’re believing in love and family.  This is a wonderful time and nothing but hugs..welcome!

Post # 28
7 posts
  • Wedding: March 2010

First of all I just found this site, and have been reading through the posts.  This is the first thing I have seen for encore brides, so i thnak all of you for your insight. I don’t feel so alone and out of place. 

Second, The best marriage advice I can give you, is live with him first. I know it goes against so many religous ideas and traditions.  I know statistically couple who live together have a higher rate of divorce yada yada yada.  And the whole taboo living together thing.. but hear me out.

When i was 18 my sister set me up with her friend’s son. He came from a good family. We hit it off great. We talked everynight on the phone. We talked about everything. I was away at my first year of college and he lived in my "hometown" and went to college there. So every weekend i would come home and we would spend time together. Everything was great.  I decided to switch colleges to be closer to him and so on.  Well I ended up pregnant. So we got married a little sooner than planed. I had doubts at the time because I was begining to see tiny clues, as to his true nature. 

Shortly after we got married  I began catching him in lies. For one he took out a credit card in his name and maxed it out without telling me. He used to card for cash advances ( ouch) for subway and games (double ouch) He maxed it.. $500 in a week.  You also have to relize he had never had a job unitl this point, and come to find out he couldn’t hold one at all. in the next year he went through 13 jobs. most not lasting a month, some only a few days. He took money out of the checking account and lied about it. He din’t have a drivers license (never had one), and took my car one weekend while i was gone, getting a ticket. all for a cheeseburger.

But i was still willing to try to work things out.  There was the way he began talking to me. He would yell at me.. wouldn’t help with the baby at all.  I had to get a babysitter when i was at work, eventhough most of the time he didn’t have a job.

But still i wanted to work things out.

Finally.. the last straw was I began finding things.. porn things, pretty sick and twisted things. He had a porn addiction.. and the stuff he was into was stuff i didn’t even know existed. I found it hidden behind books on my bookshelves, i found it hidden files on my computer. This was his obessesion. 13+ hours a day. usually while i was asleep or at work, we were no longer intimate and hadn’t been in awhile. The stuff i found.. was needless to say very very illegal  and i felt more alone than i had ever felt.

So one night I was at my sister’s house and it all came out… the fear the tears etc. And i never went back. We divorced after being married a year. And now I will never marry A man I haven’t lived with. My current Fiance and i have been together for  3 years, and we currently live together.

Post # 29
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m not divorced, I’m not even married yet, but I do know a handful of couples that were close to us who have divorced. Most of these relationships weren’t good from the start, and they just jumped into marriage for the wrong reasons.

My fiance’s sister got married last July 2008 only because all of her friends were getting married, so she decided to jump on the "wedding train." Prior to their joke of a wedding, they were already having issues of abuse. Well, not surprisingly they got separated in October of 2008 and were divorced by December 2008. Very sad.

A close friend of ours also got married just because the woman got pregnant. Her parents forced him to marry her and he yielded. Their relationship was on and off for five  years and they saw other people. Naturally, when they got married there was a lot of resentment and he blamed her every day for trapping him into the marriage. They divorced after two years, and their poor two-year old daughter is now suffering the loss of her father. He had to move out four hours away just to get away from his ex wife.

Another friend of ours got married just because she felt she was getting old, and they were already living together and been together for 10 years, so she thought she might just get it over and done with, seal the deal, so to speak. Well, that marriage has now resulted in separation due to some serious cheating.

I guess when one enters a marriage for the wrong reasons then there can be nothing to expect but wrong consequences. Relationships are never 100% flawless and perfect all the time. There will be ups and downs, best times and worst times. I guess that is why we vow to "love and to honor through god times and bad." But if the foundation of the relationship is weak to begin with, then it won’t withstand the storm. That’s just what I learned from my parents who have been strongly and happily married for thirty five years.

Good luck in your marriage emilybrooke! All the best to you!

Post # 30
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am NOT getting married at 39 because I feel I am getting old.  I feel in fact younger and more vibrant now than I did at 29 because i’m with the right person now and my stress level is waaay lower.  

Even before, I did not enter marriage for the wrong reasons.  I don’t think my xh did either.  We weren’t young (27 and 28).  Dated for a few years and were both planners.  Had a good relationship.  Everything was really great…until he became wealthy.
That was the change that brought him to change.

Not me. 

Sometimes as scary as it may seem, people DO change over time and maybe some dormant long lost fantasy they had in their head pops out and they choose to forego reason, morality and sanity and go and follow that inane fantasy.  That’s what my xh did and it’s been his undoing.  Even in his affair marriage.  He married one of the women he was cheating with.  Same story except they never enjoyed peace and harmony and fidelity and stability as he and I did for years before he changed.

I used to joke around years ago (way to deal with the pain) to my friends and we all called him "Darth" because like annakin skywalker once was good, he changed suddenly to the guy Darth and took a walk on the dark side.

I still hope that he straightens himself out.  Not for me but for my son and for his daughter who will be five this month.  We’ve incidentally been divorced now for five years..get it now?

I think the best PARENTAL marriage advice came from my father.  In high school he sat my sister and I down on the couch and laid out a few rules he’d suddenly decided on.  She and I were both dating then, and he wanted to make his life plan for us perfectly clear.  My beloved father passed away 10 years ago this summer, and he would be so happy I kept to his plan regardless of circumstances.  Sadly on his death bed, he told me he didn’t like my xh and wished I’d go on without him. 

Here are my dad’s ideas for a well balanced and happy life:

1) Only get married when you can support yourself and somebody else.  You never kmow if one of you will get disabled.  And that means carry proper insurance for the both of you as well.

2)I won’t give either of you girls (my sister and I) a dime towards your weddings unless you both finish college.  A college degree is like another form of insurance.

3)I have two daughters.  Knowing the way the world is today (this was in the early 1990s when he said this), something sad will happen to possibly one of you with the divorce rate as it is.  Be prepared.  Do as I said and you’ll weather any storm and be prepared to not only support yourself but a child possibly too if bad things happen."

My dad wanted us to both be completely self sufficient financially before marrying.  He even wanted us to live at home as long as we could to save up $$.  My sister DID end up marrying but was a senior in college and had six months to go before her degree but she kept her word to him and graduated of course.  She put my bro in law thru medical school and now 17 years later they’re happy as clams and doing fine financially with a loving family and great marriage.

Me?  I happened to be the one for whom my dad’s ominous prophecy fell upon.  I was the one who divorced.  But I did as he said, had a good degree and a marketable job and solid profession and have had to struggle after divorce, but landed on my feet able to always have a nice home and vehicle and be able to take care of myself and my child.  WITHOUT a man around.  I do get child support but it’s not that much as a result of further lies from my x.  We will not ever delve into that sucking black hole.

But I think my dad’s rules are good rules for life and love.  Life is an unknown.  You’re only responsible for yourself.  You cannot make anybody else do anything, even if it is the logical, sane, or loving decision to make.  Everyone has free will.  But never let a day pass that you do not tell your hubby, kids, or family and friends that you love them. 


Post # 31
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Ah Bellenga, the wisdom that comes with being in our later 30’s!! If we weren’t both getting married…I’d say Marry Me! lol, kidding. Cheers to our fabulous FH’s and our next go around!


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