(Closed) Overall marriage advice

posted 13 years ago in Encore
Post # 32
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Hi Bellenga,

 First of all, 39 is NOT old!! 30 is the new 20’s. You are still so young. My cousin is 46, still single and still dating around. She has the beauty and vibrance of a 22 year old. Age should never stop us.

Also, I did not imply that the  only couples who divorce are the ones who entered their marriages for the wrong reasons. I was merely sharing my own knowledge based on the couples that I knew. My conclusion was that divorce is more likely to occur between couples who enter their marriages for the wrong reasons. In each of the cases that I witnessed, the couples got married for the wrong reasons. However, you’re right, love can still fade away even though the couple entered the marriage while genuinely in love at the time. It’s a part of life. People change, especially if they experience drastic alterations in their lives.

I am getting married in October 2010 and I am deeply in love with my fiance who has been my high school sweetheart since we were in our early teens. We are a good team, we are each other’s biggests supporters and best friends. However, even this does not guarantee that we will spend an entire lifetime of bliss and togetherness. People still grow apart, as you’ve mentioned. I’m just putting my faith in God that my marriage will be like my parents who have been happily married for thirty five years. It’s a freefall, almost. You just never know what the future holds. What’s most important is how one conducts him or herself during times of trial.

Best of luck in your upcoming marriage 🙂

Post # 33
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Tmarie,  I love ya too!  We’d probably have a gorgeous wedding with our style ideas lol!  Ditto to cheers to all our fabulous (and understanding) FI"s!  Mine’s had to put up with me being on call all weekend and cancelling on him last night for our "family" dinner. 

@Anniebear-I never thought that,  just that there are other issues that I think and have seen that imho, were reasons most  couples who have divorced I’ve known, divorced for.  Wishing you lots of love and a lifetime of happiness!  I sure wish I FELT today like I was in my 20’s..I’ve been on call all weekend and just got back in about 30 min ago from the hospital..this is one tired girl!  So glad you’re here btw..

~J.

Post # 34
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Here is a simple rule: Three things you should hold in marriage…your tongue, your temper, and each other. I would personally add to that, choose your battles. Your marriage is supposed to be the safe place for each of you-not a constant source of henpecking, nagging, complaining or fussing-that goes for both sides! Your home is your refuge-keep it that way.

That being said-the reason that my first marriage did not survive is pure and simple: INFIDELITY. He was a cheater. I don’t mind sharing that because NEVER in a million years did I think it could happen to me and when it did, everyone was shocked bc of all the people in all the lands who were in love, we were going to make it. That sounds terribly conceited, but it’s true. We were together for 6 years before we got married (boyfriend/girlfriend, promised and then engaged) and then married for almost TEN years. After dealing with some fertility issues, we were thrilled to be pregnant with TWINS! Yes indeed! When the babies were 15 months old, he woke up one morning and said that he didn’t want to be married anymore and he left. Just like that. I only thought it happened in magazines, but it happens in real life, to me-Sunday School teacher, Special Ed teacher, active in the community, volunteer, home alot, thought I was best friends with my husband. NOPE! Turns out, all that time, THE ENTIRE TIME, he was cheating. NEVER stopped dating.

Am I angry? I was. Not anymore. I have been divorced for four years this coming summer. Being married to him seems like a lifetime ago. Not bitter, not hateful, there is just nothing there. I moved on. My heart did heal and time did help me to move forward. I met a wonderful man-he is the yin to my yang-we work. We are determined to make this work. Of course, it helps significantly that we both agreed that dating other people was out of the question when we got serious and that dating others would not be a part of our marital relationship. Not to make light of a difficult subject-but I’ve been there. I also learned that you can’t control someone else’s actions and if your partner, the person you have taken a vow with in front of God and your friends and family-if that person chooses to dishonor that vow, you will be okay. You can move on. Your heart will heal. You will find love again. And you know what? It IS better the second time around!

Post # 35
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

What a great thread!  When I got divorced, I went through some major counseling with a preist at my church (who, by the way, is doing my wedding in a few months) and he told me to go talk to some friends of mine who I think have happy marriages.  I talked to one of my closest friends, and she said, "things get tough, really tough, but D and I never speak the word divorce out loud.  Its not an option.  I have flet like leaving, and I am sure he has, but we never say it.  When you say it out loud, it becomes an option"  My Fi and I have made a promise to each other that it will not be a word spoken in our home.  We are together, through thick and thin, god, and bad, EVERYTHING.  We agree to get help if we need it, but we are together forever! 

Post # 36
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I just want to give out hive hugs right now to all encore brides who made it through such difficult days in their lives.  That experience has made me love stronger, stand up 100 percent for what I believe in, and the best mom I could ever be. 

I think that despite what my x did, I have become more than before.  I learned that I didn’t have to be with anybody to be happy.  I learned that money doesn’t make you happy.  And the greatest gift I’ve ever been given is when my little boy looks up at me and says he loves me. 

((((((Encores brides n the Hive))))))

@Liz–was the same for us..nobody thought we’d ever divorce.  Thought we had it all.  And I was the last to know that he had a double life.  If you get a chance, show us your adorable twins!  And kudos for being brave enough to inspire others here with words of hope and strength.

In fact, I think there is NOTHING but strength and love on the Encore board.  I am SO happy there is a special place for such special brides, grooms, some also special moms and dads too here. 

Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Bee for creating this little cozy hub for us.  It’s just different being an encore bride or groom and there’s not any support out there for us really.  Before I was hostess here and before there was ever an encore board, I remember when my guy and I decided we’d get married.  It was last summer.  We decided we loved each other and that was when we began laying down somewhat of a timeline.  Now it’s sorta broad (later in 2009) but we’re definitely marrying.  Just waiting on the ring.  I remember wanting to find out what other women and men in OUR situation did when they faced remarriage.  There was NO resource whatsoever out there.

There was not alot of information.  And the silly information I read suggested I wear a short, white suit and quietly sneak off to the courthouse or wear a dress that even my grandma would turn her nose up at!  So I began scouring around for help.  And I found this great place. 

I think the cardinal rule of love and relationships is simple.  Treat others as you would treat yourself.  And follow the love chapter in the Bible.  It doesn’t matter your religious beliefs, that is pure wisdom and life lessons.   

Post # 37
Member
670 posts
Busy bee

I just read this entire post and it moved me so much!

It’s true – it is different for the encore’s and even though some of us have differences in our situations, there is a common ground that is so nice to feel.

I married young (I was 18), but it was for the right reasons.  At the time, the X was sweet and loving and all that.  He took great care of me – but then his mom got cancer.  Since she was the family "glue" it slowly went downhill.  The X-FIL went back to drugs, they lost their company, etc. etc.  TONS of stress.

The X-MIL died 2 years later,  13 days after our first baby was born.  (God Bless her, she was a beautiful person)  It was a time full of family drama and stress – not the ideal environment to bring a baby home to!  Suffice it to say the X couldn’t deal with it.  He started hanging out with the guys more (which I encouraged) to blow off steam.  That gradually turned into 5 nights a week at the clubs – me at home.  He even left the hospital the night our second child was born to "go out and celebrate"  SRSLY??  I raised his sister for 3 years (she was 10 years younger and had been with the drug-addicted dad) Even his sis at 15 could see.  It eventually spiraled out of control and I had tried EVERYTHING:  Counseling (alone – he wouldn’t go) books, prayer, Etc. After nearly 8 yrs of being married I asked for a divorce.  It was a long drawn out, nasty process full of him stalking and breaking into my house, BUT…

At the end of the day, I have a good job, a house, 2 healthy, happy, and well adjusted kids, and I’VE MADE IT!!!  I am a completely transformed person now.  I will never be THAT girl again – and walking all over me is not an option.  I wouldn’t change any of it.  The person i am today was shaped by that shell of a person I was then.  Had I not battled all of that, my Deal-Breaker list would have been much shorter and I would have been settling for men that I thought were "good enough".  SO glad I was picky and I waited!!!  The X, on the other hand, remarried a person who encourages the behavior I divorced him over and is "reaping what he sowed" as Bellenga said.  Such is life, I guess. 

Every single one of you ladies is an inspiration and I am so thankful for this place in the hive…

XOXOX

Post # 38
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

This is such an inspirational post. Thanks so much, emilybrooke, for starting this thread! All of the strong women on here give me hope that if something horrible were to happen- not that I think in any way shape or form that my Fiance would cheat or anything to that extent- that I would have the strength and resolve to get past it and find love again. You ladies are SO strong, and I give you all the support and praise in the world for going through all of that heartache and coming out the other side.

Me and my Fiance have also made the pact that we will never threaten to leave each other as well. We have friends who constantly make threats like that and it’s seriously weakened their relationship. We talk through everything, share everything, and make every effort to strengthen and solidify our relationship because we don’t want to make the same mistakes our friends have made. We’re trying to be that couple that doesn’t have to make the same mistakes and learn from them…we want to learn NOW and forego all of that.

Thanks for the book recommendations, and for the positive (and negative) experiences with counseling…it’s always been something me and my Fiance have turned our noses up at, but I may talk to him about it and see if he’d be interested in doing a "double check" so to speak. Thanks so much, girls!

Post # 39
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2009

This is "somewhat" related to this topic…

Have you heard anyone say "I wanna be married next year" or "I wanna be married when I’m 30" and he/she isn’t even in a serious relationship? Kinda like in Sex and the City when Charlotte said something like "I decided that this year is when I’m gonna get married…" It seems these people would get married just for the sake of being married, or they want to experience all the fuss of planning a wedding. I feel these people, more than likely, will not succeed in a marriage.

Post # 40
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I agree with never syaing the d word.  About two years ago we had a big fight and the word breakup flew from his lips. I told him if he wanted out he needed to go then, but if he was willing to  work on stuff with me  that breakup should not ever be an option. Now we have fights as every couple does, but I always know no matter what we are there for each other.

I do have to raise another issue. Honesty. No matter how much the truth may hurt or be unplesant, honesty is the key. Being able to know about issues and talk about them before they get to big to handle is super important. 

And lastly, it is ok to go to bed angry. I was raised not to ever do that, but i have learned that soemtimes, having time to cool off, suddenly him forgetting to put the toliet seat down again, or whatever is not nearly as important after you have had time to calm down. 🙂

Post # 41
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

With my first marriage, I was 18 and pregnant. What happened with that one is that my child was born with serious medical problems that I had to deal with and hubby could not handle so he found himself another woman.

 With the 2nd marriage, I married quickly and now I know I married for LUST. Ladies, just because he can do it for 5 or 6 hours at a pop, this is not a reason to get married. It is easy to confuse lust for love! Once I started coming off the lust buzz, I figured out this man was the most possessive and financially irresponsible man on the planet and he was going down and dragging me with him, so I got out of that marriage quickly in order to survive!

 Let’s just say I am being a LOT more cautious this time around!

Post # 42
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I’m so glad I stumbled upon this thread….I have often wondered what pearls of wisdom encore brides could/would give about marriage.  It’s been so insightful – thank you all for sharing!

I come from a long line of happy marriages which have lasted forever.  DH’s family is not as blessed and he has experienced divorce and unhealthy relationships.  In fact, this was a huge issue for him for the 7 years that we dated prior to getting married.  Many times he told me that he never wanted to get married (not because of me, just in generaL) – and it finally came out that it was because he had no healthy example of what a marriage partnership could and should be.  He has since told me that if it weren’t for my parents and grandparents providing such a great, fun, strong example of marriage – he never would have proposed and we would not be married. 

What I have learned from my parents and grandparents is that a successful marriage boils down to one thing and one thing only: as a spouse, you must NOT be SELFISH.  Rather, you MUST put your partner FIRST…put his/her needs first, his/her interest first, put his/her feelings first.  Its a very simple principal and its true.  It is not always natural – you have to work at it.  Selfishness includes being selfish with your time, your needs, your money, your words, your willingness to compromise, your fidelity, your chores, all of it.  Selfishness affects all aspects of your life…it’s no wonder it destroys marriages.  

Thankfully, DH and I agree on this simple point and I am happy to say that I married one of the most selfless people I have ever met.  We made the decision to marry and we are SO happily wed !

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