Post # 1
I recently got married on January 5th of this year. Around our wedding date, one of my girlfriends from college moved 16 hrs away for a position in the unit at the hospital I have worked at for 2 years. I am happy she has finally obtained the job she has dreamed about. I let her know of the position and put in a good word for her with my nurse manager. She ended up living with my parents for several weeks until she got her own place.
My gripe is that she literally texts me every day to hang out. Or she will follow me around at work and talk me into getting dinner Afterwards. We probably hangout 2-3 times a week which is more than I’d like. I probably turn her down 5-7 times a week. She is single, she has issues with men and has told me in the recent past that I shouldn’t rush getting married and certainly not rush having children because I need time to be young…..her advice is not advice, it makes me feel guilty for wanting those things. Which are perfectly normal for a 23 year old. And I have already discussed with my husband that WHEN we are pregnant she will be the last person We tell. I feel like the fact that she has had issues with the men in her life causes her to have a lack of respect for the NEWLYWED relationship my husband and I have.
My question is, am I wrong for feeling like she is overbearing? I recognize she has moved from far away. But she has made several friends already. And I give her a few days a week of my time. I feel guilty every day for turning her down and I’m sick of it. She wants to have sleepovers and go out and dance and run errands together. We are not roommates! I am a newlywed who wants to sleep in bed with my husband in our home alone! she will talk me into sleepovers where she sleeps on the couch and i go to bed with my husband. But we want to be alone!! What she really needs is a boyfriend. I cannot figure out if she is controlling or jealous, but I am at wits end with dealing with her. She knows no boundaries. When she comes over our house she helps herself to everything from food/dishes/ my clothing!!!! ( I do not share my wardrobe with my sisters, so you can imagine how this angers me) without even asking! Part of me thinks it is jealousy, since I have found a husband and have had the job she’s dreamed of for the last few years. I recently went brunette from blonde my natural color and she never said a word about it to me. ( it looks a hundred times better) I feel like she is more critical of me and hardly ever offers compliments. I have tried ignoring her many pestering questions and suggestions but then she will be like “why have you been so out of it lately is everything okay”” or she will consistently call and say she is worried about me cause I didn’t text back. My mother NEVER even did that in my whole life!! Help!
Post # 3
@Sayr9489: Sounds like she’s incredibly lonely, unable to read social cues, or determined to be a (pardon) cock-block. It may be she has the maturity of a teenage girl, with wanting sleepovers and such. Have you suggested she go hang out with her other friends? Maybe dropping some not-so-subtle hints about wanting to enjoy your man ALONE may make her think twice about inviting herself over constantly.
Post # 4
@Sayr9489: why not be honest and tell her. A straight sit down. “Becky, I value your friendship but right now you are asking more than I can give. I am recently married and am focused on that. I am a happy to have lunch at work/dinner occasionally but I feel like you are asking a lot of me right now. I feel A lot of pressure because you ask for so much of my time.’
ive had friends like this. It’s exhausting. She needs a life. And I don’t mean that to be mean. She just needs to get busy- join a gym or something.
Post # 5
Sounds like you need to set some boundaries.I would hang out with her once a week and decline any other offers.No sleepovers,having lunch daily,etc.She will get the hint.
Post # 6
You are not wrong, but I say…tread carefully. Sounds like she’s really lonely. One of my BEST friends used to be this girl. Eventually I had to say to her, “You know, I get the sense that you’re upset with me when I turn you down for plans. I really like spending time with you, but I have a lot of other things on my plate with other friends, work, my SO, and me time. I can’t always hang out with you.” I said it in a very kind way and she understood. She still asks me to hang out a lot, but I just say no if I can’t/don’t want to.
Have you tried setting up a “girl’s night?” Maybe you can pick a day during the week you always grab dinner?
Post # 7
She sounds really lonely. She recently moved to a new area and you’re probably the only person she already knew when she got there. I think you should try to help her make new friends. Crashing at your place all the time is a little much. I would kindly say something about that. Maybe she has some sort of separation anxiety and should seek therapy for it?
@MsMonkey: I agree with her suggestion, maybe set aside every Thursday evening for her, dinner and cocktails and catching up?
Post # 8
My recommendation? Start a book club. She’ll have solid plans once a month, meet new people, and the pressure will be off you to entertain her.
She might feel like all she has is you and if she isn’t constantly validating your friendship, she might lose you. Think of it as the clingy girlfriend who is so scared of losing her boyfriend that she will call ten times in a row. She’s leaning on you, so you need to prop her up on her own.
And yes, sometimes you need to be honest. “I love hanging out with you and I always have so much fun with you, but I feel as though my relationship with you is taking precedence to my marriage and my home. I need to put him first so I need to cut down on the amount of time we spend together.”
Post # 9
She sounds lonely to me too. I can totally understand why that annoys you though, because you’re a newly-wed and you want some private time with your husband. I would sit her down, and explain to her your need to want to be alone and boundaries. Be nice, she really sounds like she needs a friend.