(Closed) overbearing mother who thinks the wedding is about her. hellllpp

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

First, WELCOME!!!

I really don’t have any advice on your specific issue, but I wanted to say that I wish I had your problem. My Mom passed away seven years ago and wedding planning without someone to help plan or pay for it sucks. With that being said, let me offer this idea….

Since she has generously offered to pay for your wedding, why not sit down and come up with a list of compromises??? Make a list of all the vendors you will need for a wedding. Venue, caterer, linens, decorator, flowers and so on. Maybe if you can pick the venue, she can decorate it how she wishes. Or she can pick the venue and you can put your DIY skills to work and do the centerpieces? I think maybe this might be a compromise where you and her can both get a little of what you each want.

Just my immediate knee-jerk thoughts on how to pull this off and make you both happy. CONGRATULATIONS on your marriage and happier planning!

Post # 5
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I kind of think maybe the best thing to do would be to let her plan it, pay for it, make it all about her, etc. and then just show up. It would be a wedding FOR you, and not a wedding by you.

If you are determined to have your kind of wedding, have you tried showing her sites like Style Me Pretty and such? They are so into rustic weddings, and maybe that way she could see that they can be “high-class.”

Alternately, could you do a wedding for her and then pay for your own rustic shindig too?

Post # 6
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@mims3382: you have two choices, in my opinion:  let her do it and just show up. or tell her if she doesn’t do what you want, at least partly,  you aren’t going to be there.

what does your husband think?  

Maybe you and your mother could come to a compromise.  She picks half of it, you pick the other half.  Divide the list in half?  

Post # 7
Member
2190 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Welcome! First off I’m sorry for all that has been going on…thats rough to go through…

That is awesome that she is being so generous. I agree with Olive25, since it was her idea for the celebration, and she wants to pay for it–to kind of have it her way.

Somethings are worth compromising on…but just pick your battles carefully since she is your mom and you don’t want to ruin that relationship.

Post # 8
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I understand that it’s frustrating, but considering that you didn’t even plan on having a celebration until she insisted, what’s the big deal if its “her” way?

Yeah, the host should always take into consideration the wishes of the guest of honor… BUT, she isn’t. I say suck it up and enjoy whatever she plans for you.

Post # 9
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@mims3382: Welcome! 

Well, I know all about overbearing mothers. I just had to change my wedding date due to mine.

I agree with previous posters, and think that you really just need to compromise. She is paying for it, so it should be something that you both decide on. Why don’t you find photos of something that you like, and show her? She may be having a hard time visualizing what you want. 

Also, have your husband verbalize what he wants, so you all are happy. It’s your special day, after all!

Post # 11
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I have my fingers crossed for you and I give you kudos for trying to work it out with her. Please check back and let us know how it goes.

Post # 12
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Hi friend,

I’m there with you. Completely understand (won’t go into details…it would take a book). I am so glad your are already married, she can’t force you to not marry him or change your wedding day, but she can still make your life miserable. I would caution you to above all respect your mother with your words, even if you don’t feel like it. Say things like “I really respect your point of view.” “I really appreciate all the work you have done for me and hubby to make this through. You’re a great mom and I hope to be just like you one day. But I feel hurt right now because…..” Keep tones neutral.

See things from her point of view as well. Does she feel hurt that you eloped away from home?

Have you used “I” languuge? “I feel hurt when you won’t listen to me? instead of “you make me so angry when you won’t listen to me?”. “I feel sad that we can’t compromise, you are so great at planning, but I feel like you don’t want to listen to me.”

If there has been a lot of hurt, it may take a lot of healing.

When I went through this with Maid/Matron of Honor it took months, and a lot of prayer, before it worked out. By the end of it, I had gained 30 pounds from stress, my dress didn’t fit (no hope of alterations), I wasn’t welcome in their home, and there was a lot of backbiting. Bur after a lot of prayer and counseling from some dear friends, we were able to work it out better then we had before. And there was a lot of tears, a lot of anger on both sides, and a lot of hurt.

Above all, would you rather have the reception of your dreams for one day, or would you rather have a restored relationship with your mom? What’s more important?

That being said, if this kind of thing is a common thing with dear ol’ mum, then catipulating is not the thing to do. If she has controlled your life for as long as she could, giving in isn’t going to help anything, because it will just happen again. If she controlled you in childhood, you have to (respectfully) put your foot down or she’ll try and controll your marriage too. 

Best of luck. 🙂

 

Post # 13
Member
7694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@mims3382:

Hi, Sorry you are going through this.  My daughter wanted something casual too, but with little touches of elegance. Perhaps you can find a way to “compromise”.  She had a farmhouse/vineyard wedding with gorgeous satin linens, matching clear glass dinnerware and flatware and wine glasses.  It looked gorgeous but with casual touches.  If this sounds nice to you, perhaps what you may do is share some photos or an inspiration board with your mom.  She may see that it will be lovely and not “an embarrassment for her”.  

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