Post # 1
Hello wise bees,
I posted a while ago about the sadness I had towards my husbands family looking for advice about how to deal with those feelings and move past them.
Since then, we have seen his family every weekend. It’s funny because iv noticed a funny atmosphere although hubby told me not to worry about it.
Tonight, my husband took his dad to a local winery for a special wine tasting event. I’d bought them both tickets as I know they both love wine and they hadn’t had any father/son bonding time for a while.
After the wine tasting they came back to our home and I was taking a nap (not normal behaviour, but I’d been on call the night before so didn’t sleep well at all!) I woke up to the sound of voices and thought nothing of it; rolled over and tried to go to sleep. However, I could hear my name being said over and over again so quickly woke up. I could hear my father in law bitching to my husband about me ‘you chose her and we’ve tried to make it work’ ‘youve forgotten about your family’ ‘she’s changed you’ ‘she’s no good for you’ I also heard my hubby defending me and asking his dad why his entire family ignored our wedding. Why there was no joy in their faces in any of our wedding photos, why they found it so hard to enquire about our lives. I could hear the tears in my husbands voice (and he is a 6ft4 strapping football player who rarely shows emotion).
His dad wouldnt give him an answer just kept saying that Id changed him, I’d stolen him, I’d destroyed their family. Hubby ended the conversation at this point and asked FiL to go to bed to sleep off the wine.
I went to find hubby to see if he was ok, and he’d fallen into a wine fuelled sleep, so we havent had came to discuss this yet.
Im so sad and angry. How dare he come to my home and talk about me like that. None of the things he said were true. I am the one that (despite my own feelings) encourages OH to spend time with his family. Since our wedding, I have noticed OH pull away from the family fold a little. I though it was because we were newleyweds and making the most of our weekend quality time (as we have hectic work schedules so are often not in the same country during the week) but it seems it’s much deeper than that and OH has some real issues about the way our wedding was handled.
In the morning, FiL will wake up in my home, and being the non confrontational peace keeper that I am, I will probably make him breakfast as though I didn’t hear the constant blows he dealt me and my personality last night.
Post # 2
Oh I’m so sorry. That must have been so hard to hear. good on your hubby for standing up for you. If it was me, I couldn’t keep quiet and would ask why he felt it was ok to say those things about me in my own home but if you feel more comfortable just ignore it. I’m sorry again!
Post # 3
Wow, I’m so sorry! That is extremely disrespectful to come in to your home, where he is staying as a guest and to say those things. If it were me, I’m with PP and I would acknowledge that I heard the things he had said. But I understand why you’d try to avoid confrontation. In all honestly, they sounds closed minded and whatever is said may never change their minds or perspective. Just know that I’m sure it has zero to do with you. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Post # 4
Stop being a doormat. Father-In-Law was uber rude to you as a host. I would have called a cab and thew him out. It seems like your hubs has problems with his family and they can’t deal with it so they are blaming you. Either the family will get over it, or you should stop seeing them (and pushing hubs to see them). If they are being toxic, see them less. The family will probably see that they need to come on to your hubs terms (accepting you) or nothing. Don’t make him breakfast. Just ignore Father-In-Law until he comes round. If he hates you so much (and was literally sounding like he was talking hubs into leaving u) breakfast won’t make a difference.
It sounds like an awful situation! I feel for u and hope you put you and your SO first and get some distance from toxic people. Your SO sounds like a good guy…defending you and all.
Post # 5
OP I remember your last post. I thought you guys had previously agreed as a couple that you would back off on spending so much time with his family? What happened? I suspect you’re going to be in for a lot more drama and heartache with his family. Until you and your husband are on the same page, and until he can put healthy boundaries in place with mommy and daddy, nothing is going to change in this situation. They are super toxic and they demean you. He needs to cut the umbilical cord.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2018 - Vineyard Lake
I’m so sorry! It’s a tough situation but it really sounds like the problem is entirely with them. Don’t let it get you down bee! I say be the person you are. Make him breakfast then don’t push hubby to spend more time with them. I bet they would be the same way with anyone. Some things / people are better left alone. It hurts but these people will never be / act the way you would like them to.
Post # 7
Uuugh. This is my worst nightmare.
My Future Mother-In-Law “jokes” that my Fiance doesn’t like to come by her home as much because he’s with me now….I suspect its not a joke but rather a hint at her true feelings about me. We have some cultural differences that have been at issue through our wedding process… mostly fueled by her and her backhanded comments.
I know you are angry and have every right to be…., but for the sake of your Fiance, please try to find it in your heart to forgive his father and family at some point down the line….after establishing solid boundaries. I say this now on the other side of many years of much fighting and crying that I’ve had to endure with my Fiance with similar issues we’ve faced thru his more extended family. I want to very much be angry and tell certain family members off and ban them from my life, but I can’t ignore the fact that doing so would hurt my Fiance and possibly hurt us down the line. So instead I let them be in our lives but on my terms.
So sorry you are going thru this. Such a horrible thing to overhear.
Post # 8
this actually makes me think of a saying I’ve heard all my life, it starts “a son is a son until he takes a wife…”. In my experience most men pull away from their parents, especially his mom, once marrying. I’ve seen it happen quite a bit and some people, like my control freak mom, can’t seem to understand the man’s need to be with his new family. It takes time sometimes for this to be resolved in the parents and sons minds but it will usually settle after a year or 2.
As far as defending yourself, if your husband is already doing that, let him. Just because he talks to his dad one way, doesn’t mean it’ll be acceptable for you to. If you don’t want them in your home, talk to him about it.
Post # 9
Oh bee, that is so hurtful. I’m a pretty direct person, so if it were me, I’d likely call my Father-In-Law out when I saw him tomorrow morning (not in front of my husband, though, to avoid putting him in the middle). Something like, “I need to tell you that I woke up last night, and couldn’t help overhearing some pretty hurtful things that you had to say about me. Maybe we should talk about this, since we’re family?”
It’s amazing how “brave” people become when they think they won’t get caught behaving badly. If he’s a half-decent human being, he’ll be pretty embarrassed by what he said about you in your own home, and hopefully offer an apology.
If you really can’t handle being direct, then maybe think of tomorrow as his “last breakfast”. It sounds like you’ve made an effort for your husband’s family. You certainly shouldn’t have to endure disrespect in your own home, especially after you’ve been so gracious. After you get through breakfast and Father-In-Law leaves, let all future plans with that side of the family be made by your hubby. No more encouraging. And make it clear that you won’t be hosting going forward.
So sorry, bee. My husband’s family is no picnic also, so I really sympathize. Hugs to you.
Post # 10
I would confront him because otherwise you will always be faking a good relationship with your inlaws! You can do it, it will be hard but a relief!
Post # 11
I would talk to Father-In-Law about it (calmly) over breakfast. Tell him what you heard.
Just the other day I was in line with Darling Husband and a lady with a small cart joined the lady in front of us (basically “cutting” but maybe she was saving their place). We were in a hurry and I said under my breath to Darling Husband, “If another person joins them I’m gonna go insane.” The lady looked at me surprised and said, “Oh no, you go ahead!” and pushed her cart back. I had no idea she heard me! I told her “No no, go ahead!” but she insisted.
I immediately felt like a pile of dog shit. I felt like the worst person in the world.
I don’t know if this is the best example, but maybe telling him how much he hurt you will wake him up a bit – maybe he doesn’t know what an ass he sounds like since he only says it to his own son who he feels safe with. Maybe you can clear the air and clarify some disagreements. Best of luck.
Post # 12
i have a very very similar issue with DHs family. They have said all those things about me as well. They refused to come to our wedding and haven’t spoken to me in two years they’re last comment was “we will try to speak to her one day but it’s hard for us because we hate her” I still to this day do not know why they don’t like me. They liked me up until we got engaged and then over night they hated me. Some people can not be happy for you and unfortunately that is on them. Excepting that and saying that is their problem and not mine is the best thing you can do. Yes it’s hurtful but it sounds like the have a bug up their a** about you and that isn’t your fault! Take a breath and perhaps seperate yourself from them. When they realise that being horrible pushes their son away even more maybe they will change their attitude.
Post # 14
He wouldn’t be getting any breakfast from me. Don’t like me? Fine,don’t stay in my house and don’t eat my food!
Post # 15
So….you went out of your way to buy tickets for your father-in-law (to an event you weren’t even attending yourself) but he thinks it’s okay to complain about you? While he’s relaxing in your house? Yeah, he seems like an entitled hypocrite.