(Closed) Overheard a conversation 'You chose anonabee23….and we tried to like her'

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016 - Theater

I think your in-laws are my in-laws and your husband seems to be my wife? I’ll peruse this thread in search of advice while extending my condolences to you. I know how it feels being stuck between the rock and the hard place, damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Worse yet if you hear them say they’re unhappy with you specifically!

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this Bee, I wish I had anything more to contribute but thankfully you’ve got tons of good advice from insightful Bees.

Post # 32
Member
1862 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

If I were your husband I would have declined the dinner invite and told them exactly why. I’d also tell them he’ll continue to decline until they stop treating you like a piece of shit. 

Post # 33
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
1judejude:  This is a fair question, of course, but it may just be that the entire family has a level of dysfunction that’s acceptable to them because the parents have implemented it and raised the kids to accept it. The fact that her husband was even engaged in this conversation is an indicator that his father holds the opinion that he has the right to overstep into his son’s marriage. That is not normal in most families.

Post # 34
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I agree with thumperbear. He needs to really put his foot down And they have to respect you. When you marry someone you go on and start your own family with that person. Going over every week even once is already a lot closer than most and they should be happy with that.

Post # 35
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Oh and i also know you are not the problem. If it wasn’t you it would’ve been another woman. They’re just trying to grasp on to their son

Post # 36
Member
1682 posts
Bumble bee

anonabee23: So, with my situation, i had an overarching issue that had two fronts: my Future Mother-In-Law and my husband’s extended family members (one family in particular).

When it came to my particular situation with my Future Mother-In-Law, I ended up freaking out on her a few christmases ago…it was a long time coming. I kept quiet for YEARS with her backhanded comments. YEARS….I figured it was best to let them blow over since they were mostly minor things that I knew stemmed from a place of insecurity on her part. 

Then finally, I just snapped and let her have it. I told her everything that she said that bothered me and why it bothered me and that I wasn’t going to put up with it any more. It didn’t end well… All the issues we had were bare on the table though. It was a good 3 months before we were somewhat back to normal talking terms. We are still not 100% but we are getting there.

With some of the family members that were really at the heart of the overall issue in my situation (they are more extended family that my Fiance is very close to since childhood and wants to keep in his life), I admit that it took a long time (a few years) for us to be “ok” and even longer for us to be good. They didn’t like me because I wasn’t of a certain cultural background like them. They were pretty explicit about it too, and I felt very much like an outcast in front of them. 

I’m not going to lie. It took a lot of forgiveness from me to get me here…much crying….much time talking with my mom and friends about what to do. But over time, it got better since they began to realize that I wasn’t going anywhere (we got engaged during this time too…ha, talk about stress).

Once they saw my Fiance was not going to listen to them, they began to make an effort (albeit self-serving at the beginning)….and in time, once I could stomach being around them, I also forced myself forgive with what they did/said. I say forced because my instinct is to hold this grudge for ever and ever. I WANT to hate them, if that makes sense. But if they are going to try to be better, I guess I should too. And it’s been better for my own mental wellbeing. 

I still have to very, very actively try to keep what they said in the past for my own happiness. There have been times where his one family member has said something that sent my radar going crazy since I am so hypersensitive to it now (we have cultural differences, so it was something related to that that she said).

Like you, I would get this deep dread inside any time I knew they’d be at a party or somewhere where we would see them. Like you, I am also a very successful person and very confident in any other situation but for some reason I would get so anxious around them that I’d want to cry. I think it stemmed from me worrying that my Fiance would get “convinced” by them to dump me and find someone more suitable for him (given their terms of what a good pick for him would be).

I guess you could say I forgave them for my own happiness, which is true. I definitely didn’t do it for them. I am way more relaxed and happier now when I go around his family in general now that I’ve taken control of the situation.

By letting their words affect me, they win. By forgiving them, I sleep better lol. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself it will be ok. I totally know how it feels. It will get better. Stick by your husband and you both will get through this. Be honest with him and make sure he knows exactly what bothers you and why.

When it comes to his relationship with them though, HE needs to stand up to them though since they are his parents. HE needs to put them in their place. But if a time comes where you feel you need to speak up for yourself, do it. He should back you 10000%

 

Post # 37
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

It sounds like his sisters are way, way too enmeshed with his parents; I’ve always held the view that when you get married, you form your own new nuclear family with your spouse and your family of origin becomes extended family. This clearly has happened with you and your husband (and not his sisters – how do their husbands feel about it?) but his parents don’t like it at all. You might find more help at the DWIL forum on the babycenter website – they are experts in dealing with this kind of issue. I would say don’t go to dinner and your husband should NOT go alone because then they get what they want – time with him without you. Take time out for the two of you and work out the next step.

Post # 38
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee

OP – google DWIL Nation and post your issue there. You will get good, clear advice from people who have been there.

Post # 39
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee

Do not go to their house tomorrow.  If Fiance wants to tell him you heard and couldn’t bear to come, then so be it.  

But I disagree that having Fiance talk to them is the answer.  Usually, yes – it’s very importanf for the son/daughter to stick up for their spouse.  BUT it sounds like he’s already done that several times, to the point of yelling and tears(!) in defense of you.  What more can he say to make them like you?

It’s got to be you sitting down with his parents (and maybe with FI) and talking about what, specifically, everyone can do to get on the same page.  Maybe they don’t see how much you love him because you’re so reserved or uptight around them, which is because you don’t feel they like you.. etc.  Maybe ask – you call or text, not Fiance – if the 3 or 4 of you can get together some evening this week, or ask if they can come over and talk.  

If you leave thsi conversation feeling like nothing is accomplished, then wash your hands of it.  Ball is in their court (if there even is a ball).

Post # 40
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
anonabee23:  You can’t know his life would be better without you. What if he was with some other random girl? They would probably be doing the same nonsensical things. Because the problem is THEM.

Post # 41
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Sorry to hear you are dealing with such a crappy family situation. But how awesome is it that your man defended you and chose you and loves you above all else. and that is how it is meant to be. I mean the normal course of life is to grow up and leave your parents. and the two of you are doing that even in the face of adversity. at least you know that no matter what the problem you two have each others backs. Congrats of the start of a successful marriage. just support each other, protect each other and love each other. those who want to do the same will be a part of your lives and those who dont… dust your feet off of them and keep walking.

Post # 42
Member
1991 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
anonabee23:  I think we’re missing details. There must be some reason they dislike you. Do they dislike the way you got together with your husband? or your past?, or events that occured while  you were dating? In what way (negative in their opinion) did you “change” their son?  Exactly what did you do (in their opinion) to “destroy” the family.?. I personally would have a direct conversation with ALL concerned, share what you heard and get to the bottom of it. 

Get it all out into the open once and for all. Then you can decide how to handle it.

Post # 43
Member
259 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

It almost sounds to me that they are causing their own problem.

They aren’t happy because you are independent people and are complaining which drives you both away even more.

I think at some point you’ll have to have a chat and say that they have to accept you are a married couple who support each other and would like a good relationship with the family but aren’t going to be discussing what you consider to be couple rather than family decisions with them, and if they can’t accept that, then the relationship is going to be even more fractured. 

 

Post # 44
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

View original reply
anonabee23:  hi bee, I had a very difficult relationship with my future in laws, I won’t bore you with the details but it came to a head, I sent my fiancée off to a life coach. He gave him the confidence to explain to his parents how hurtful the behaviour was and how it was driving him away. Then each time they fucked up he put them in time out.  It helped massively, I have accepted we will not ever be a close family, but now if they rang and said help, I would be happy too.  Good luck bee, 

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