anonabee23: So, with my situation, i had an overarching issue that had two fronts: my Future Mother-In-Law and my husband’s extended family members (one family in particular).
When it came to my particular situation with my Future Mother-In-Law, I ended up freaking out on her a few christmases ago…it was a long time coming. I kept quiet for YEARS with her backhanded comments. YEARS….I figured it was best to let them blow over since they were mostly minor things that I knew stemmed from a place of insecurity on her part.
Then finally, I just snapped and let her have it. I told her everything that she said that bothered me and why it bothered me and that I wasn’t going to put up with it any more. It didn’t end well… All the issues we had were bare on the table though. It was a good 3 months before we were somewhat back to normal talking terms. We are still not 100% but we are getting there.
With some of the family members that were really at the heart of the overall issue in my situation (they are more extended family that my Fiance is very close to since childhood and wants to keep in his life), I admit that it took a long time (a few years) for us to be “ok” and even longer for us to be good. They didn’t like me because I wasn’t of a certain cultural background like them. They were pretty explicit about it too, and I felt very much like an outcast in front of them.
I’m not going to lie. It took a lot of forgiveness from me to get me here…much crying….much time talking with my mom and friends about what to do. But over time, it got better since they began to realize that I wasn’t going anywhere (we got engaged during this time too…ha, talk about stress).
Once they saw my Fiance was not going to listen to them, they began to make an effort (albeit self-serving at the beginning)….and in time, once I could stomach being around them, I also forced myself forgive with what they did/said. I say forced because my instinct is to hold this grudge for ever and ever. I WANT to hate them, if that makes sense. But if they are going to try to be better, I guess I should too. And it’s been better for my own mental wellbeing.
I still have to very, very actively try to keep what they said in the past for my own happiness. There have been times where his one family member has said something that sent my radar going crazy since I am so hypersensitive to it now (we have cultural differences, so it was something related to that that she said).
Like you, I would get this deep dread inside any time I knew they’d be at a party or somewhere where we would see them. Like you, I am also a very successful person and very confident in any other situation but for some reason I would get so anxious around them that I’d want to cry. I think it stemmed from me worrying that my Fiance would get “convinced” by them to dump me and find someone more suitable for him (given their terms of what a good pick for him would be).
I guess you could say I forgave them for my own happiness, which is true. I definitely didn’t do it for them. I am way more relaxed and happier now when I go around his family in general now that I’ve taken control of the situation.
By letting their words affect me, they win. By forgiving them, I sleep better lol. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself it will be ok. I totally know how it feels. It will get better. Stick by your husband and you both will get through this. Be honest with him and make sure he knows exactly what bothers you and why.
When it comes to his relationship with them though, HE needs to stand up to them though since they are his parents. HE needs to put them in their place. But if a time comes where you feel you need to speak up for yourself, do it. He should back you 10000%