(Closed) Overly religious inlaws

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - country club in Michigan

You need to set up boundries, and one of them needs to be your husband telling his parents that you’ll both stop visiting unless the guilt trips and weird religious “lost babies” issues end. They do this stuff because you both let them get away with it. They wont stop until they see an actual response to it that affects them–aka you guys not seeing them. And this ideally should come from your husband, because these are his parents. 

<br />And as other posters said, your not a good Catholic unless you attend mass, have your wedding there, and raise your kids Catholic. It doesn’t make you a bad person to not do these things, but it does mean your not really Catholic anymore–your just a spiritual Christian. The Catholic church is very strict about this–we went through this during wedding prep when they made it clear the requirements for being Catholic and getting married in the Church. 


You may be able to find a Catholic church that is more in line with your views though–we attend a left-leaning Jesuit church with is all about social justice, and rarely talk about abortion (and never birth control). The only thing they say about gays are positive too. It took us alot of time to find a church like this though, but it was the only way we could become “good Catholics”, while maintaining our deeply held viewpoints. 

Post # 17
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Just today, my (southern baptist) mother asked me why I “hate God”. I was stunned by her question, but didn’t let it gaslight me. I calmly told her I don’t hate God, but I do hate being judged by other humans, and that I believe that spirituality and faith are private matters. I was able to paraphrase the below bible verse (which totally gave me “street cred” and eased her mind that I’m not a heathen). We’ll see if this was a permanent solution in time, but for now, I think she’s satisfied enough to back off.

My whole point is that, as an adult, I do not want nor need to explain my beliefs (or lack thereof, if we’re being honest) to anyone. Even my mother. 

OP, I know Catholics are a different animal, but maybe an approach like this could help? Here’s the verse…

Matthew 6:5-6

5 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Post # 18
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Carmen\'s Lakeview

mrsalexander:  you can, but not in intense catholic’s eyes. My fiances parent’s are extremely catholic and both my finance and I aren’t. They always say they raised him wrong because he doesn’t follow the religion as closely as they want.

Post # 19
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

Olgarie:  There’s no need for you to be rude about it. I was merely trying to tell OP that it’s no one else’s business whether or not you’re a good Catholic. They are in charge of their own lives.

ETA: And I can’t help but wonder if you think I’m uneducated about Catholicism because I’m Jewish. I may not know what you’re “supposed” to do in each religion down to the T, but I DO know that judging others is not one of those things you’re supposed to do in Catholicism. That’s God’s job.

Post # 20
11647 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Lol at the idea that anyone is justified leaving notes on the pillows of grown ups inferring that they are lost. Nope. That’s inappropriate, rude, and creepy and no, your religious beliefs don’t give you a pass at basic manners. 

It dosent matter what the Catholic Church says you need to do to be a catholic. That’s the wrong discussion to be having, and it’s a losing discussion. Don’t buy into the frame that you need to justify or explain yourselves to anyone.

if she is concerned about your spiritual path, she can talk to you both respectfully and with the realization that you don’t owe her explanations, she is not in charge of your faith. 

Post # 21
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

mrsalexander:  Hi!

It sounds like your in-laws are not being very charitable but I assume that they’re acting out of love for you and your family. I am Catholic, and if one accepts Church teaching than the lifestyle you are leading is mortally dangerous for you and your family. To call yourself a Catholic and not follow the faith or cultivate love for the Sacraments or to educate yourself on the teachings of the Church is a contradiction. As a pp said, the faith should be something that informs your whole worldview, not just something you do when the mood strikes.

It must grieve your in-laws very much to see their family in thrall to the world. And though it might seem creepy, offering prayers for your loved ones is a very considerate and virtuous act.

Have you considered why you are not serious about your faith? If you truly believe in God and want to save your soul, it is not something to be taken lightly. 

Post # 22
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you and your partner don’t really agree with his parents, is it worth it to go see them for Easter? You know there is going to be conflict. I would just say that we wanted to observe the holiday on our own. 

As for as how Catholic you are, you’re definitely not devout, but you can choose to classify yourself how you want I suppose. The rigidity of the church is a big reason why so many people are leaving it. 

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