(Closed) Overreacting?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You know, I have the exact same arrangement with my Fiance and it infuriates me to no end when he fails to tell me she messaged. Now, this is my own personal experience, but take it for what you will.

We’ve had this conversation several times and what I’ve found to be true is that he just isn’t thinking. To him, her messaging isn’t a big deal. He isn’t interested, he isn’t perusing, he’s just trying to be nice to her for long enough for her to be satisfied and leave him alone. To him, it’s more headaches if he tells me she messaged. He thinks that I will freak out or obsess or make a scene, when all he really wants is to be left alone.

I would bet that your Darling Husband is trying to do one of two things. He could be trying to deal with the situation himself and is afraid to tell you what’s going on because he doesn’t want to upset you. Or, he may not see one or two line messages as anything worth writing home about. To him, her messages could be the most inconsequential things ever, but to you they most certainly are important. You see her patterns; he just sees things in short instances, as he has to deal with them. 

You should tell your Darling Husband, but tell him straightforward, honestly, and be calm. That last part is the most important. Chances are your Darling Husband is going to tell you that it just didn’t seem important and, as hard as it is, you’ll need to accept his answer. You know what she’s really up to, he’s probably not thinking about it that much.

Hopefully that’s helpful and not presumptuous. Good luck! Don’t let this little pain get in the way of your big happiness.

Post # 4
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Like you said he probably does not think it is a big deal and that’s why he didn’t mention it, so that you would not be upset. 

I actually had a similar situation with my fiance.  A girl I used to work with, (very immature) decided to friend my fiance on FB and block me from seeing all the messages and conversations.  I also found out by accidently logging in to his FB account and saw all the posts between them.  it was all stupid stuff but it really bothered me and I told him that it really bothered me.  He of course didnt even know that she had blocked me and I asked him to tell me whenever she did contact him.  He replied with I’ll just block her too. I told him that was not exactly what I wanted because I never want to stop him from talking to anyone no matter who they are that all I want to know is what they are saying.  He said “you are a million times more important than she will ever be” and blocked her anyway.  I realize this is not the same situation because 1. she was not his ex and 2. He didn’t know she blocked me from seeing but it does have the same moral I guess.  I’m sure he loves you and if he really knew how much it bothered you he would stop responding and/or block her. 

Just talk to him about it.  Tell him that you accidently logged on and saw the message thinking it was your own.  BE HONEST and he will understand.

Post # 6
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I dont think its a big deal and thats most likely why he hasnt mentioned it.

Post # 7
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

He hasn’t mentioned it because he prob doesn’t want to potentially start an argument about it (even though you now know what the topic of it was) lets say you didn’t. He would have to explain it, show you, talk about it – and there goes 1 hour of talking about something that ultimately isn’t important when it comes to yalls relationship. :/

However, I can totally see why you would be peeved, b/c you did specifically ask him to tell you….

Perhaps you can confess & proactively say to him, that you understand why he didn’t mention anything (since it was harmless) and that you only want him to tell you when she crosses the line?

Post # 9
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Aggie10:  He should tell you every time. I had this issue with my fiance while we were dating, and he actually did tell me every time. He forwarded the girl’s email to him or told me “so and so texted me xyz”…he did it til I personally didn’t care anymore. But I was grateful that he respected my wishes and did, even though it seemed “petty.” If it makes you uncomfortable, he should do this small thing. The fact that he’s not telling you doesn’t mean anything could ever go into a bad territory…but it also shows that he is blatantly ignoring your wishes. You need to have a talk with him again.

Post # 10
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

And for what it’s worth, remind yourself that he married YOU not HER.

That always helps put it in perspective for me when DH’s ex contacts him for whatever reason. They still keep in contact, and it used to bother me but then I take comfort in the fact that its me that he chose to spend the rest of his life with and not her.

Post # 11
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

He probably just doesn’t want to upset you over nothing. He figures nothing is going on, it’s not a big deal and nothing crossing the line has been said. What he’s missing/forgetting is that you need to be able to trust him. Hiding stuff a conversation like this when you asked him to tell you about it, no matter how innocent, is still hurtful to you.

I would just sit him down and talk to him about this. I’m sure he meant no harm, I think you just need to be clearer about why he needs to be telling you when she sends him a FB message.

Post # 12
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would not be so cool with this. The girl needs to move on and be told that contacting a married ex repeatedly when you aren’t really friends anymore is inappropriate. Personally, I would not be afriad to say “DH and I have been together for 5 years now. I think it is time you stopped contacting him.”

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