(Closed) Oversensitive mom + rude FI = put me in the middle, why don't you.

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
9699 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I don’t have much relatable advice, but I’m just wondering if you guys have discussed how you want to deal with family as a couple? Because it seems like there’s a big disparity there, which can be fine if you negotiate your terms and meet in the middle somewhere?

If I were you I would insist on absolute warm politeness no matter what when it comes to your mom. Period. Even if she’s being “annoying” or whatever. Loving parents deserve your love and respect even when we’re not in the mood.

He might ask you for warning when she’s going to be over, even if it’s just a pop in. So he can get his head right. 

You could also discuss how you expect your own family unit to operate if you’re planning for kids. That’ll be a learning curve for him if he has emotional damage about the parent/child relationship, and it’s best to navigate your completely different takes on family in advance. Good luck!


Post # 4
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Norton Country Club

I know it’s just one situation, so this could be too-specific to be helpful.  Since you were obviously feeling your fiance’s attitude/annoyance/disinterest in the scenario you described, I don’t think she was being overly sensitive in this case.  It sounds like she would have been justified to feel put-off by this one, just like you seem to be.

I think MrsBuesleBee:‘s suggestions to be on the same page about family are spot-on.  If he’s not used to the attention of an affectionate parent, maybe he feels coddled or smothered or otherwise uncomfortable.  Maybe having boundaries for family time (and possibly gifts? not sure if that’s just a coincidence or possible irritant here) would help everyone.  It could let your mom know where the line is, let your Fiance know what’s really important to you including how you expect him to treat your mom, and let you not be stuck in the middle. 

Post # 5
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think the best solution is that your mom doesn’t just drop in, your Fiance gets a heads up.

And, your should FI act like a kind, respectful adult when she’s around.. Whether he wants her there or not. That should be common sense, to treat others with kindness, but given that he has a bad relationship with both parents.. It may be something he needs help learning from you. Overall, you need to come up with a way to deal with family together, that suits both of your needs.

Although, in this particular situation, it sounds like your Fiance was just straight up rude to your mother. Which is never ok.. And should be articulated to him. I’d be livid if my Fiance treated my mom like that.


Post # 6
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

MrsBuesleBee:  This is solid advice. Add my two cents to hers!

Post # 7
6020 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017


BurlapnLace:  Im wondering how often your mom is around? I only say this because my ex was this way. he was an introvert and im a total extrovert so company doesn’t really bother me. I deal with social situations and family interaction really easily and really well. he on the other hand found even the simplest of visits incredibly draining. he also had strained or nonexistent relationships with his own family and im incredibly close with mine. So it was just always a struggle between us. Im wondering if maybe your Fiance feels like she visits too often or is to involved in your life now that you two are making your own life together? there’s being close to your mom and then there’s always having your mom involved in everything you do. Not to mention if he is in fact like my ex and doesn’t do well with unexpected company or company in general he may just feel overwhelmed with the visits. My ex would need time to prepare for a visit and time to recharge after one because it just took so much out of him to be comfortable and social. I never quite understood it but I respected his feelings on it. It might be a good idea to talk to him about why he feels the way he does and acts the way he does. Let it be a “safe space” conversation where he can be honest without fear of backlash from you since it’s about your mom, which can be a very sensitive subject. Let him talk and really listen and then try and find a way to meet in the middle.

On the flip side, you need to also put your mom in check. It won’t be very fair of you to talk with your Fiance about his behavior and not address the same thing with your mom if they both play a part in making things so difficult for you. If you two are close this part shouldn’t be a problem 🙂

Post # 8
11641 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

BurlapnLace:  my Future Brother-In-Law is the same way.  We are closer with our family than my Sister’s FH is with his.  He’s a jerk about the same kind of stuff.  She’s found that giving him a heads up is huge, we all know not to show up unannounced and respect that except my mom, who doesn’t seem to respect anyones boundaries which is a whole other issue….

I think you need to have a talk with him and a talk with you mom – they both need to respect the respective relationships and realize that a relationship with you requires a relationship with the other

Post # 9
6364 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

MrsBuesleBee:  This exactly.

Post # 10
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Bottom line I would never put up with my Darling Husband being rude or huffy around my mother. I relate tremendously to you as my mom is my best friend. She has helped us both throughout our relationship and is like a mother to my guy. We both adore her and if he ever treated her poorly it would be put to a stop. 

For me that kind of crap is a deal breaker. I know that seems extreme but family is everything and although my husband is now my primary family it doesn’t mean you abandon your love and respect for the woman who raised you by letting her always feel uncomfortable and stressed around your future husband. 

I also feel like you stating she is sensitive is your way of defending your man even though you feel tense trying to manage his temper. Obviously if you have to babysit him not to hurt her feelings and you feel his irritation your mom is NOT being overly sensitive. I would get to the bottom of why he gets this way? Is he jealous of your bond with her? Or is he wishing he was all that mattered to you? Figure that out first. 

My sisters boyfriend made a horrible comment about my mom being annoying and negative and I flipped on him. Then I realized I had less respect for my sister in this situation as she didn’t defend our mother. I nipped that in the butt right away that he can’t say those things in front of me. 

Post # 11
510 posts
Busy bee

I agree with the giving him a heads up and allowing him space. It sounds like she’s around a lot, which would be enough to try anyone’s patience. You say she doesn’t pay your bills but she paying for a lot of your wedding, which is essentially the same thing, which means she is involved in a LOT. maybe it’s just too much for him and you need a serious discussion about whether or not the dynamic between the three of you will support a happy marriage.

Post # 13
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

BurlapnLace:  Going through this exact. same. thing. I just had a full on cry fest conversation with both of them at different times and bascially said to him, “be nicer” and to her, “don’t be so sensitive” at the end of the day they don’t HAVE to get along but they do have to be cordial if they want to make me happy. If he loves you, he will understand. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  ezasabc123.

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