- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 2012
Okay, first off I went anonymous on this. Please don’t hate on me, we all make mistakes. Thanks.
My husband is the second guy I ever dated. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic, pysically and emotionall abusive dad. It hurt me and forced me to grow up really fast to take care of my sister and mom, who both were depressed. My first boyfriend ever, my senior year of HS was manipulative and abusive as well. He ended up getting me pregnant, and then manipulated me into an abortion. He cheated on me and hurt me so badly.
I didn’t date for a long while after that because I really loved him…I met my now husband about 1 year after the breakup, but to be honest I still wansn’t really over my EX. My husband and I had a quick relationship, he proposed, and we were married 3 months later.
I love my husband…he is a great person, so kind, adores me, and we have some nice things in common like our prefferred movie/music taste, sense of humor, etc…
But to be honest I don’t really think I romantically love him. I feel so safe and secure with him, which was something I was longing for after my past. But Im angry with myself as well. I never had a “wild, young and free” phase since my past forced me to grow up so quickly. Im still in college, were in our early 20’s …my friends are all single and I feel bad because I can’t go have fun with them, because everything they want to do involves partying, vacations, etc…
My husband and I have been in therapy since Feb. He does not communicate at all (like when I talk to him or ask questions he just stares). When I told him I was tired of us fighting, that neither of us seem happy, and Im not sure we are right for each other, he just cried. Didn’t say anything.
We fight because, even though he knew I did not want kids, he has now decided he does. And ASAP. I don’t feel ready to be a mom at all. Not now, and maybe not ever. I feel like I don’t even know who the hell I am. We also have major financial differing opinions (he makes more money than I do, but he wants to spend every dime while I save my paycheck) and he just sprung on me that he wants to get out of the Navy in 4 years and move to colorado, when we both agreed that we wanted to stay on the east coast (and Im looking into investing in a house or condo soon!).
I do love him dearly…and we get along well as people (except for the fights we have recently been having). He brings me flowers, makes me feel safe and loved. But I feel like these are not true foundations of marriage. He can’t communicate at all with me, which forces me to make almost every decision. His parents are not a fan of me.
Im scared to be out on my own…but right now I feel this is best for me. Its just frustraing because we were supposed to have our “wedding” like he promised me this june…but he has done nothing to help for it, and even told me that we werent going to have a honeymoon 🙁 I am so in debt for this wedding, I had to cancel it…and now our friends are all saying we aren’t going to last.
Sorry my thoughts are all over the place…I guess just from an outsiders opinion…if this was your friend would you tell her to stay and keep working on it or leave? I know marriage is work and love is a choice…but Im craving freedom and deep passionate love (which we don’t have). We both deserve to be happy and I don’t want to hurt him. And I know the grass isn’t always greener which is why Im hesitent. Should I keep trying or chalk this up to a young and dumb mistake? Thanks…