Post # 1
So I’ve been with my fiance for over 4 years now. When we first met he was a little pudgy, but by no means fat. Since then he has put on a fair amount of weight, like 40 lbs. It was like suddenly one day I noticed he was fat. I’ve tried bringing it up severally times. And sometimes when he eats alot or trieds to eat off my plate (because I almost never finish my meals), I’ll say something like “are you still hungry?” or “are you sure you should be eating that/more?”. I know how annoying I can be, so I’ve tried to stop.
I’ve told him that him being overweight is negatively affecting out love life but I don’t think he understands the extent of it. He has asked if I still find him attractive, and I say yes. He is still very handsome to me. But with this extra weight he has put on I almost never want to have sex with him. When we do have sex I try my best not to look at his body. I keep my eyes closed for most of it, try to look only at his face, or do positions were we don’t face eachother.
I’ve been bringing up his weight as an issue for almost three years now (a majority of our relationship). He just isn’t motivated to lose the weight. I know he isn’t happy with his weight either.
I try not to bring it up right now because he works a full time job and a part time job. He is always tired and doesn’t have time to join a gym. But he said he would lose weight by our wedding, which is happening this September. I’ve seen zero effort of him actually trying to do this. I also don’t want to make him feel bad, because he does get self conscious about his body.
I try my best to be healthy and workout. I think I’m in decent shape, I’m almost 6 feet tall and wear 4-6 size jeans.
I just don’t know if I should bring it up again or just let it drop and get over it.
Post # 3
FH and I have both struggled with our weight, but FH was much more fit than he is now when we first started dating. We’ve both lost 20 pounds recently, but it’s because we do things together. I know that you said that your FH doesn’t have time to join a gym, but what about you guys going for a walk or going for a swim? I know that for me, it’s hard for me to want to work out alone. I have a friend from school go to the gym with me when FH can’t go. It’s also probably more effective for you to say “Hey honey, it’s a nice day, do you want to go for a walk with me?” than to say “Are you really going to eat that?”.
Try suggesting you doing active things together and see if that helps.
Post # 4
I do get him to walk with me sometimes. He isn’t home a lot and when he does get home he doesn’t want to do anything. Which I understand, there are three days a week where is wakes up, goes to work, comes home and sleeps (because he works 10-11 hours + transit). He likes to spend any free time he has watching TV or being on the internet.
I like to run and I wish he would do it with me. I’ve suggested that we do a 5k together and he shoots the idea down immediately.
Also, he hates the idea of going to a pool because he doesn’t like the idea of other people seeing him without a shirt on.
Post # 5
Have you told him the extent of your feelings on the matter?
I don’t think this is just something you can “get over” and physical attraction is very important in a relationship.
Post # 6
@annonbee123: Hm. What about getting something like Wii Fit? I don’t know how if it’s something he’d be interested in, but I’ve heard a few people rave about it. That way he could be at home and he wouldn’t have to do it for long every day.
Post # 7
we’re dealing with the same. FH used to go to the gym before we started dating (almost 9 years ago). I’ve never been much of a gym person but back then I worked as a Hostess in a restaurant and was always on my feet running around and walking about half an hour each way to school daily (involving a very large hill) and I didn’t have a car so i walked everywhere.
I’ve gained about 30lbs in the last 9 years and FH has gained about 15 (stupid male metabolism).
Do you do the cooking & shopping? Perhaps try buying more vegetables and high fibre foods that are more filling. Cook with less oil and just cook less. Avoid buying junky snacks so if he is still hungry he has to go for veggies. These are all things I’m tyring to do – keeping it consistent is my challenge.
Post # 8
I can believe that he had sincere intentions of losing weight for the wedding, but weight loss is so hard to actually accomplish I am not surprised he hasn’t made any progress. Keep in mind that it is very difficult for most people to lose a large amount of weight and even those who do lose weight often have a very hard time maintaining the loss over the long term. If you look at statistics for actual long term success with weight loss, weight loss surgery is really the only option that has a decent percentage of success in allowing people to maintain weight loss for a long time.
The odds are that the way he is now is the way he is going to be. People who go from being overweight and out of shape to becoming fit and athletic are the exceptions, not the rule. So, you need to decide how much this bothers you. I don’t think it’s wrong if it bothers you so much that you may even want to end the relationship – we can’t help what we’re attracted to – but it’s really up to you to decide if it has reached that point. Sometimes we do end up with people who aren’t our physical ideal because all their other qualities make up for it.
If your real concern is not so much the weight as it is that he doesn’t “care” or isn’t “trying hard enough”, try to be understanding that even people who really do want to lose weight often find it very hard to do. It is very hard to make big lifestyle changes, and I do believe there is a lot of evidence out there that some people are more prone to weight gain than others for whatever genetic or environment reasons.
Instead of directly pointing out to him that he is overweight and that it is unattractive to you, I would suggest trying to make it about “health” instead (“I am worried about your health”) and maybe do things like encourage him to work out WITH you. I think that is more likely to encourage him to do something without making him feel bad about himself. However, if it has gotten to the point that it is making you think about leaving the relationship, then I think it would be fair to be more direct about it and see if that does give him motivation to work on it more.
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
@annonbee123: I think the real issue is you think physical appearance and attraction is important (I agree!) and he doesn’t. No Wii Fit is going to solve that disparity. You need to decide if you want to be with someone who doesn’t take care of themselves.
Post # 10
What you do is up to you – but I will say this.
Before now on the Bee I’ve seen women distraught because their SO has bitched at them about their weight. I know for a fact that if Fiance called me fat or anything along those lines I would be deeply hurt, just like you would be if your Fiance said it to you.
So say what you will, but just keep in mind that even though he’s a guy, being too harsh will still hurt his feelings, still damage his self-esteem, confidence etc, just like it would for a woman. And please don’t pressure him to do it; weight loss is something that a person needs to decide to do on their own, not because they feel pressured or shamed into it.
Not saying you would do any of this, but just keep it in mind, if he’s already self-conscious then you have to be super careful not to push too hard or he could really feel put down. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 11
I think you need to sit him down and have a a serious conversation where you lay out exactly how serious this is and how it is affecting your relationship. After that, you have to accept his reaction. If he won’t change, then you need to decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you. Be honest with yourself about whether he is the kind of partner you want long term.
Post # 12
I’ll try to give a bit of perspective as the weight gain-er. Knowing you’ve gained weight, knowing you’re not healthy, feeling less attractive and knowing your SO finds you less attractive SUCKS. And having them “help” you can feel like nagging which makes the whole thing worse.
Weight loss is really hard because for many people it’s not JUST about eating less and working out more. It’s about changing your emotional relationship with food, it’s about being more disciplined, and it’s about changing habits. Those things are not easy to do. Those things have to come from within yourself, and others “fat shaming” usually hurt the process more than they help. I found my habits really turned the corner when my husband finally shut up about my eating habits.
Things you can do to help him: don’t talk about his weight. If you’re the cook in the house, cook healthy meals and don’t buy sodas and unhealthy treats. It may or may not make a difference, but at least any unhealthy habits he indulges will be all on him. It sounds like you take pretty good care of yourself, so all you can do is lead by example and hope he decides to join you at some point.
Post # 13
My husband has put on some weight ever since we got married. I myself am not overweight but since working at a desk job, I stopped being active. What I decided to do was join the gym and encouraged my husband to join the same gym I go to. He did and we’ve been going to the gym together ever since. He has lost some weight. I know it will take some time for him to lose a lot of it.
Post # 14
I have to disagree with the person who was talking about weightloss as though its nearly impossible. Ive lost 150lbs and I have 50 more to go. It isnt hard it just takes dedication and patience. Its never something I would call difficult unless you have a medical problem.Just stick to your lifestyle change and itll come off and stay off. Notice the words ‘lifestyle’ change, if has to be for life and not a crash diet or gimic pill/herb whatever that you do for a while and switch back to cheeseburgers and cake lol
If you’re not attracted to your man it will make your love life difficult, you’re just gonna have to bring it up and hope for the best.
Post # 15
I think you need to accept him with his extra 40 lbs or let him go.
Someday it might be you with the extra 40 (pregnancy, anyone?) How would you feel if he couldn’t look at your body while you were having sex?
Post # 16
@annonbee123: If you want to help him lose weight, cook dinner, have healthy breakfast options (and only healthy options) in the house, and pack a lunch for the two of you as soon as dinner is cooked and cooled.
Calories in are much easier to reduc than calories out are easy to increase. You don’t have to wreck his self esteem to help him start a path toward being healthier. 🙂