(Closed) Overweight lover?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Soladylike: It might help if you tried putting yourself into his shoes and imagine how hurtful it would be if someone was rejecting you for aesthetics alone. Would it hurt to give it another chance if he’s as golden as you make him sound?

Weight can also change. Not that it should be your mission to “change” him exactly, but usually in healthy relationships, people become more goal oriented and grow as a result of their partners. If this is a journey that he’s willing to take with you to help him develop healthier habits, is it really worth putting your nose up at a couple of pounds?

Give him a genuine opportunity to be the amazing guy you know he is. If you are not attracted to him after actually dating him again for a little while, you know the answer. But you might regret not even trying. Regret is worse than knowing.

Post # 5
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

well I’m the overweight one in my relationship and to be honest I was rejected a lot of times and to me it doesn’t matter if it’s my looks or my personality that turned someone off- if it wasn’t meant to be it wasn’t meant to be.

That being said I almost didn’t meet my SO (we met online) because I didn’t think I’d be attracted to him, but when it came down to it I SO am so I think that you never really know until you are in the position.

You say you are afraid to see him sexually which means that you are holding yourself back from it. Sure it can ruin a friendship but it sounds like he desires more so it’s worth the effort since in the end your relationship as JUST friends wouldn’t survive him moving on to someone else if you don’t want him anyways. That’s just my 2 cents

Post # 8
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Soladylike: Ok, so if you care about him, give him a fair chance. My point to you was coming from a sincere place, and that was for you not to regret losing out on a great guy. You seem to be offended by my word choice, but I didn’t intend to do that. I was trying to be helpful by saying once you’re in the habit of dating him, his weight might not matter so much.

Not to trivialize your issue, but there is an episode of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air where Hillary had just lost her Fiance, but she was trying to date again. She went out with a really great guy, but had a mental block against him because he had a mole on his face. It was her way of trying not to get too close to someone else because she was hurt from the last relationship. Even though this example is from a sitcom, it is a real phenomenon. I just don’t want you to miss out on an amazing opportunity and feel the “what-if?” or “I should have” later on in life. If you take a chance, you will know from experience whether he is a good match for you or not. If you do not, you will never know what could have been is all I was trying to say.

Post # 6
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I feel like on one hand, if you really LOVE someone, you love them at 300 pounds, 120 pounds, whatever the case may be. My husband has put on weight since we’ve been married, but I love him and have always found him attractive so while I want him to be healthy, there’s no way I wouldn’t be with him because of his weight.

On the other hand, physical attraction is important. And if this guy really loves you and you’re not attracted to him, don’t let this continue any further. And don’t tell him that you don’t want to take things further because of his weight. As someone who has struggled with weight all my life, honestly like that does not help, it actually almost always makes things worse. No one is more aware of their weight or the low self esteem that goes along with that than the person who lives with it daily. The best thing you could do is let him go and hope he finds someone who would love him either way. I don’t say this to imply that you don’t care for him, or are shallow. But if you know the attraction isn’t there it just doesn’t seem fair to him.

Post # 9
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

If you’re trying someone on in the context of a long term monogamous relationship, I think being sexually attracted to them is a prerequisite. Don’t rule him out because you don’t THINK you’ll find him attractive, but if you give it a shot and there isn’t a spark would you condemn him to a relationship where he isn’t desired? He deserves better. 

You should challenge your assumptions too – what you like to look at and what you like to get your arms (or *ahem* legs) around can be completely different things. 

Post # 7
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

I think there is a difference between starting a relationship with someone who gains weight versus starting a relationship with someone who is already overweight when something like that is important to you. I’m not sure what the best thing to do is. It seems like it would be a shame to miss out on someone who sounds so great otherwise because he’s carrying some extra weight. But if it’s a dealbreaker, then it’s a dealbreaker. You have to figure out whether it is or not.

Post # 10
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

@Soladylike: But you are considering rejecting a romantic/sexual relationship because you aren’t sure if you could be attracted to someone who wasn’t totally aestetically appealing to you. She’s not making you out to be a bad person. She’s pointing out something you said yourself and asked you to put yourself in his shoes and imagine that he would probably want a partner who could look past his weight issue in a genuine way and give yourself the chance to actually date him romantically because, you can’t knock it till you try it. You’re not considering rejecting him as a person. You’re considering rejecting him as a sexual partner. That’s all she’s speaking to. 

 

EDIT: nvm. It was already addressed.

Post # 11
Member
6341 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

If you aren’t physically or sexually attracted to him, then you aren’t, and IMO this can only ever be a friendship.

I could not even contemplate a relationship with someone I wasn’t physically attracted to, regardless of how well we got on, how great they were etc. While sex itself is not the be all and end all for me, at the same time, sexual attraction is what to me marks the difference between a platonic friendship, and a relationship. So if the attraction wasn’t there, I could only ever be friends with someone.

Post # 12
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

If you’re not attracted after all of this time then it’s probably not worth trying and you should just walk away. 

I met my husband on-line. I saw a head shot picture of him only. He did explain that he was a bigger guy, but that was perfectly fine with me, as I am a chubby chaser 🙂

When we finally met in person I was a little shocked to be honest. He was much bigger than I had realized. I watched him get out of his car, and I swear more and more of him just kept pouring out. It wasn’t just his weight, but he is also 6’5″. 

I was over his weight by the end of the date. Everything that made me like him took over. My husband has lost about 60lbs since we first met, and now he feels small to me which is stupid, since he’s 350lbs lol. He’s so handsome it’s ridiculous.

Post # 14
Hostess
11166 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

@Soladylike: but I don’t know if I can be sexually attracted to him.

I would think at some point in your long friendship the thought of are you or aren’t you has already crossed your mind. While I don’t date all my male friends I know pretty quickly if there is any type of chemistry or if I am attracted to them, it really doesn’t require too much thought.

Maybe that is just me?

Post # 16
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

My Fiance weighed 375 pounds when I met him.  I will admit that at first I was nervous but my feelings for him took over and it never mattered to me.  Our first time he was very self concious but that soon went away because of our feelings for each other. He’s since lost 50 lbs and I love him just the same.  Give the guy a chance.  If you’re a little nervous the first time shut the light off.

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