(Closed) Overwhelmed with frustration in marriage & I'm so unhappy =(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Counseling would do wonders for your relationship.  It sounds like you have exhausted your personal resources and it’s time to bring in a neutral, third party that can help you two communicate better.  I think your marriage is still salvageable but you need to do something about it fast.  Make an appointment to see a marriage counselor ASAP.

Post # 4
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@secretbee2013:  i am sorry that you are in financial stress. financial stress is very upsetting. was your Darling Husband like this before you got married? how long have you been married? I would say most people will recommend therapy. what does he buy all the time? is it for a hobby or something? It just seems like all these things would have shown before getting married, so whats different now?

Post # 5
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Hugs Im sorry to hear what your going through but I do I agree with the other posters seek a marriage counselor soon.

Post # 6
Member
8444 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@secretbee2013:  Your Darling Husband sounds like he has a spending problem.  I agree with other bees, try cousenling.  Also, make a budget and stick to it.  Part of the reason he keeps asking is because you cave.  Think of how a child throws a tantrum, if you give in, you’re simply reinforcing that behavoir.

Post # 7
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

This is one thing about Darling Husband that annoys me.  He grew up without a lot of “things” and so when he gets a good amount of money, he’s spent it before it hits the account(tax returns).  I’ve been working on it with him, I’m sorry but I just keep saying NO.  He is good too, he researches and finds great prices etc, I just keep telling him he’s saving us right into the poor house.  I remind him that our windows are house original, 1950’s, our house isn’t big enough to store the crap we HAVE now.  I’m not a spender, I grew up in a house where we didn’t spend money on “STUFF” but on trips/vacations/sports activities.    I think his money view is still what he had as a kid, they didn’t have alot and didn’t go on vacations and things.

Maybe take a financial planning class?  I was thinking about signing us up for one.  It certainly can’t hurt. It actually might help showing in concrete numbers where your savings should be, what life insurance policies you should have etc.

Post # 8
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My husband and I had the same arguments about money  but it is like one or two big things a month he “needs”. I basically nagged and bitched constantly – continually treated him like a child – would send him budgets and show him how much we had left over and why he couldnt get anything.  Slowly he stopped and now our debts are paid.   He said over the years that he appreciates that I am the way I am and take care of him.  He doesnt spend on anything now and makes ME feel bad for spending now!! haha I think I trained him too much.

Anyway-  I know right now it seems like money is like the end-all, be-all but eventually, if you stop using those credit cards – they will get paid off.  .    I think the mess wouldnt be as stressful if you werent thinking about the money.  I think you resent him for the combination of the two and once one of them is fixed – the other will fall into place and will be easier to discuss.   Counseling is a great option if you are just exhausted and don’t know how to get it through his head

Post # 10
Member
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@secretbee2013:  hrm, interesting. I think we are back to couseling then. you need someone to help you explain to him how much this is hurting you and both of your futures. Good luck dear

Post # 11
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think you need to walk. The two of you have talked ad nausuem, made plans (which he continually breaks, and he is perpetually putting you into a financial spiral downward. Do you want to be able to retire someday? Do you want to be able to have kids (if you do, than do you want them to have to suffer and go without because their dad selfishly spends all of the falimy money on toys for himself?), do you want to be able to go on vacations and actually enjoy the fruits of your own labor? You can’t do anything with this man. Frankly he seems disrespectful and like he is using you as a gravy train. Grow a spine and leave.

Post # 12
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

That wouldn’t be ok with me. If you want to salvage your marriage then counseling is probably the option, but I think I would leave.

Post # 13
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@secretbee2013:  Here’s my take on it…first I know the cleanliness thing bothers you (Lord knows, my Darling Husband isn’t the cleanest) but I kinda feel like that is just one of those “minor” issues in a relationship…like how you put the TP on holder. I was exhausted trying to constantly pick up after Darling Husband and started to become resentful but then I realized he’d rather hang out w/me at night instead of cleaning. Now it doesn’t bother me as much and he’s become receptive to me leaving him “honey do” lists.

About the money, finances is one of the biggest causes of divorce. Sounds like he needs a budget. And when he asks you if he can buy something….you absolutely need to tell him NO! Guys for whatever reason think when we say “fine, whatever, just do it!” that we are perfectly OK with it….b/c they can’t read between the lines. Darling Husband and I used to do this and he made me the promise that if I said NO then I didn’t have to give a 20 minute explanation. As long as I say “you really don’t need more camping gear…our basement is a mess already!” then he’s fine with it.

You mentioned all the great things he does for you. Make sure to tell him that…guys love to know they are appreciated and “usually” the positive reinforcement helps in other parts in the relationship.

A couple of counseling sessions might be helpful for you both. But it sounds like you can get through this!

Post # 14
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I 100% recommend family/couples’ counseling.  These are really serious issues that are going to come up over and over again unless you go to a 3rd party and straighten them out.  I would not leave the marriage until I’d exhausted all resources–if family counseling doesn’t work, then try a pastor/other spiritual resource or a financial advisor.

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