Post # 1
I feel like a huge mess inside. Outside I seem to be holding everything together. But I am unhappy with my marriage & IDK what to do. The feeling of love toward my Darling Husband isn’t really there right now, but love is also a choice so I am trying. There’s no one else in my life. I fear my life is at a dead end, thinking “is this is all life is going to be for me?” & that makes me very sad =(.
DH often annoys & frustrates me with his spending or want-to-buy habits. He ALWAYS wants things & its driving me crazy because we’re in so much debt! We talk about how if he gets this than we can’t afford him to get anything else until next month & we BOTH agree! A few days later something else comes up that he wants to buy. And over & over again. It feels like he nags at me to buy stuff or do stuff until I get tired of feeling like his mom telling him “no”. He’s gotten much better than he used to be, he does try. He talks to me before buying things now, I just cave easily because over the years I feel defeated. If he brings something up over & over, I either get mad & it starts a fight, or I say “fine, buy it” & he asks if I’m sure & I say yes (because I’m sick of him talking about it) & he buys it. I resent him for that. Every time he says “I want this thing, I want that thing” I get so angry inside. Seriously dude? We JUST freakin talked about this! It happens ALL of the time (for 4 years!). I look down on him now & I think a lot of my respect for him has left. We’ve tried the “personal money” thing but it doesn’t work. He uses all his & wants more & I cave. I put mine toward credit card payments. I make about twice what he does. We are in a ton of debt, lots of maxxed out credit cards, its overwhelming! All I want is to be debt free, I’d rather buy nothing except necessities, but he just can’t do that.
He’s also messy. He leaves his clothes & dirty dishes around. For awhile I’ll clean up after him but sometimes I just leave his & put away just mine. I’ll ask him to put his own things away & he forgets. Then I just get sick of trying & follow suit. Our house is very messy. I just don’t care to try anymore. It feels hopeless. We can’t have people over because of the mess. I work full time & even worked 2 full time jobs for awhile & he’s only been part time but some months he gets closer to full time hours. He says he needs me to help him clean & I don’t get it. I could clean by myself, I don’t need him there. The only times he cleans on his own is when I start acting upset with him & he feels guilty & does it. He will spend hours & hours on it, do an awesome job, the room looks fabulous! Then, he will just stop & it will get back to how it was after a week or so. Its happened for 4 years.
However, Darling Husband does encourage me to follow my dreams, he treats me well, he compliments me often & means it, will do small things for me without me asking (such as make me coffee in the morning, which I appreciate). He’s really great to me in those areas. Its spending & cleanliness that he sucks at. Sometimes when we’re in a fight he will say that all I care about is money (that’s like the opposite of me!), or that I’d be happier if I married someone else because he’s a bad husband because he doesn’t clean enough or spends too much, etc. Seriously, I’m at the end of my rope!
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Counseling would do wonders for your relationship. It sounds like you have exhausted your personal resources and it’s time to bring in a neutral, third party that can help you two communicate better. I think your marriage is still salvageable but you need to do something about it fast. Make an appointment to see a marriage counselor ASAP.
Post # 4
@secretbee2013: i am sorry that you are in financial stress. financial stress is very upsetting. was your Darling Husband like this before you got married? how long have you been married? I would say most people will recommend therapy. what does he buy all the time? is it for a hobby or something? It just seems like all these things would have shown before getting married, so whats different now?
Post # 5
Hugs Im sorry to hear what your going through but I do I agree with the other posters seek a marriage counselor soon.
Post # 6
@secretbee2013: Your Darling Husband sounds like he has a spending problem. I agree with other bees, try cousenling. Also, make a budget and stick to it. Part of the reason he keeps asking is because you cave. Think of how a child throws a tantrum, if you give in, you’re simply reinforcing that behavoir.
Post # 7
This is one thing about Darling Husband that annoys me. He grew up without a lot of “things” and so when he gets a good amount of money, he’s spent it before it hits the account(tax returns). I’ve been working on it with him, I’m sorry but I just keep saying NO. He is good too, he researches and finds great prices etc, I just keep telling him he’s saving us right into the poor house. I remind him that our windows are house original, 1950’s, our house isn’t big enough to store the crap we HAVE now. I’m not a spender, I grew up in a house where we didn’t spend money on “STUFF” but on trips/vacations/sports activities. I think his money view is still what he had as a kid, they didn’t have alot and didn’t go on vacations and things.
Maybe take a financial planning class? I was thinking about signing us up for one. It certainly can’t hurt. It actually might help showing in concrete numbers where your savings should be, what life insurance policies you should have etc.
Post # 8
My husband and I had the same arguments about money but it is like one or two big things a month he “needs”. I basically nagged and bitched constantly – continually treated him like a child – would send him budgets and show him how much we had left over and why he couldnt get anything. Slowly he stopped and now our debts are paid. He said over the years that he appreciates that I am the way I am and take care of him. He doesnt spend on anything now and makes ME feel bad for spending now!! haha I think I trained him too much.
Anyway- I know right now it seems like money is like the end-all, be-all but eventually, if you stop using those credit cards – they will get paid off. . I think the mess wouldnt be as stressful if you werent thinking about the money. I think you resent him for the combination of the two and once one of them is fixed – the other will fall into place and will be easier to discuss. Counseling is a great option if you are just exhausted and don’t know how to get it through his head
Post # 9
@bestbuddies: I was debt free & had savings before we got married. When we were dating, he had a job & could buy anything he wanted as he didn’t have many bills, he also saved some money & he seemed to be fine. When we got engagaed, he went off to finish school & he was really good about not buying anything at all because he had no job & had to live off of what he had. However, he ran out of money because his old roommate mooched off of him & promised to pay him back, but never did… so he had to leave the school due to the lack of money.
& its just stuff he likes, mostly special edition band merch (that go away because its a limited edition) & movies & music & some video games & going to concerts. He likes the special editions & doesn’t want the normal version. He will say “when they’re gone, they’re gone & I really want this” & he pesters me about it all the time.
Post # 10
@secretbee2013: hrm, interesting. I think we are back to couseling then. you need someone to help you explain to him how much this is hurting you and both of your futures. Good luck dear
Post # 11
I think you need to walk. The two of you have talked ad nausuem, made plans (which he continually breaks, and he is perpetually putting you into a financial spiral downward. Do you want to be able to retire someday? Do you want to be able to have kids (if you do, than do you want them to have to suffer and go without because their dad selfishly spends all of the falimy money on toys for himself?), do you want to be able to go on vacations and actually enjoy the fruits of your own labor? You can’t do anything with this man. Frankly he seems disrespectful and like he is using you as a gravy train. Grow a spine and leave.
Post # 12
That wouldn’t be ok with me. If you want to salvage your marriage then counseling is probably the option, but I think I would leave.
Post # 13
@secretbee2013: Here’s my take on it…first I know the cleanliness thing bothers you (Lord knows, my Darling Husband isn’t the cleanest) but I kinda feel like that is just one of those “minor” issues in a relationship…like how you put the TP on holder. I was exhausted trying to constantly pick up after Darling Husband and started to become resentful but then I realized he’d rather hang out w/me at night instead of cleaning. Now it doesn’t bother me as much and he’s become receptive to me leaving him “honey do” lists.
About the money, finances is one of the biggest causes of divorce. Sounds like he needs a budget. And when he asks you if he can buy something….you absolutely need to tell him NO! Guys for whatever reason think when we say “fine, whatever, just do it!” that we are perfectly OK with it….b/c they can’t read between the lines. Darling Husband and I used to do this and he made me the promise that if I said NO then I didn’t have to give a 20 minute explanation. As long as I say “you really don’t need more camping gear…our basement is a mess already!” then he’s fine with it.
You mentioned all the great things he does for you. Make sure to tell him that…guys love to know they are appreciated and “usually” the positive reinforcement helps in other parts in the relationship.
A couple of counseling sessions might be helpful for you both. But it sounds like you can get through this!
Post # 14
I 100% recommend family/couples’ counseling. These are really serious issues that are going to come up over and over again unless you go to a 3rd party and straighten them out. I would not leave the marriage until I’d exhausted all resources–if family counseling doesn’t work, then try a pastor/other spiritual resource or a financial advisor.
Post # 15
@bestbuddies: Thank you! The thing is he is MUCH better than before, about 3 years ago he would just buy stuff & show up at home with it & I would get upset. He always asks now, even on his personal money (which I told him he doesn’t need to talk to me about) because he wants me to be happy. He tells me there’s so much more stuff he does want but doesn’t ask for because we don’t have the money. He’s kind of confusing!
Post # 16
@housebee: Yes, it does feel like he is a kid sometimes! In my mind when I’m so frustrated with him its like he’s a kid & I’m his mom telling him no. I hate feeling like his mother! That’s not my role! & he also hates it.