Post # 1
Ok. My FMIL is a nice woman and she loves me. However, she is one of those moms that adore their sons as a divinity, and are overly attached. I lost my father to cancer two years ago, we were close, he was only 57, it was bad. I am planning my wedding and knowing that I won’t have him to walk me to the altar makes me very sad. Yesterday, FMIL came up with the fact that she has already picked the song she and my FI will dance to as a mother-son dance, and that REALLY upset me. I found it incredibly insensitive, given that, of course, I cannot have a father-daughter dance, and they didn’t even ask me about it. It made me cry and I got mad at my FI for just agreeing to it without considering my feelings. He realized that he had messed up, so he apologized and said he will talk to his mom. But seriously, are these dances even all that common anymore? At all the weddings I have been to in the US (I am not originally from here) they didn’t have them, and they only had the bride-groom first dance, which was boring enough in itself. Do you ladies think I overreacted? Do I need to have a mother-son dance or perhaps I could simply have the band play the song she wants, she can dance with her son, but we will all be dancing, and it won’t be a “formal” dance that people have to stare to?
Post # 2
This does sound pretty insensitive, they can always dance without having an official “everyone has to stand and watch us” dance. I know its a big deal for some parents, but they are definitely not needed.
Post # 3
I think the compromise is to play the song she picked and have your FI dance with her but don’t announce it as a mother-son dance or clear the dance floor for them.
And yes, these dances are still very common. We skipped the mother-son dance but every wedding I’ve been to in the last few years has had one.
Post # 4
That is incredibly insensitive of her to demand that. As long as your FI doesn’t have his heart set on this as well, just say that you will not be going in that direction.
We did both a father/daughter and mother/son dance at our wedding, but its defiantly not required.
I’m sorry for you loss, Bee.
Post # 5
I really don’t think your FMIL meant any harm. I don’t know if it’s fair to “deprive” other people just because you won’t have something. People can have just a mother/son dance, just a father/daughter dance, both together, none, etc. I personally barely wanted our first dance, so we skipped the other ones.
If your FI doesn’t care, then he can tell his mom he doesnt want to do it. If he does want to do it, I think they should be allowed. It is his wedding as well.
Post # 6
She should’ve asked if you were even having those dances. I’m not having those at my wedding. I also think it would just highlight the fact that you don’t get to dance with your dad if she gets to dance with her son so I can see how you feel upset about it. I would feel upset too. I honestly would just skip those dances. It’s good your fiance understands your position. I’m sorry for your loss.
Post # 7
I think you are being way over sensitive. Does this mean he no longer gets to celebrate Father’s Day because your father has passed away? Things in life are not tit-for-tat. I see no reason why his mom and he need to be deprived of a special moment, just because you won’t have the exact same thing. Perhaps you could pick some other male relative that you are close to and have a special dance with that person in honor of your father?
Post # 8
It’s insensitive that you were not consulted about the dance beforehand, especially since it might be a sensitive area for you.
I agree with the PP jellybellynelly : though…I doubt it was intentional and ” I don’t know if it’s fair to “deprive” other people just because you won’t have something. ”
Post # 9
From your description it doesn’t sound as if she meant to be hurtful. My father died when I was young; echoing PP, I wouldn’t have deprived my exH of that experience just because I couldn’t have it. It does sound as if you overreacted, though it is understandable.
Post # 10
I don’t think this is just about depriving of others because you can’t have something. My take on this was that the OP will be sitting there watching her husband dance with his mother and be thinking about how much she misses her father and that will probably make her sad. I know I would never want to make my fiance feel sad especially on our wedding day so I would be willing to forego something for my new husband in order to make him happy on such a special day.
Post # 11
Planning it without you was insensitive, but I think you should still let them have the dance. Obviously it was important enough to your FI to sit down and plan it with your FMIL. Is there someone else you could have a special dance with, like your mom or a brother or someone else that is important to you? That way you could both have a dance and yours could be in honor of your dad.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, it’s hard to go through these milestones when you’re missing a loved one, but you should want your FI to be able to make this memory with his mom.
Post # 12
They definitely should have consulted you first but it doesn’t sound intentional. The last thing anyone wants to see is the bride crying during the reception. Would it be possible for you to leave the room while they have their dance? Go fix your hair, adjust your dress ect. Or dance with your mom at the same time? It seems important to your MIL.
Post # 13
I am so sorry. Agree with kristen36890. It’s already going to be hard enough for you on that day, and if not your FMIL, your FI should have thought about how it would have affected you. I did no parent dances at my wedding and many weddings don’t have them. Honestly, the bride/father dance is the more common one that I’ve seen. This is your wedding so I would have your FI inform your FMIL that you guys aren’t going to do those formal dances, or you could even have a chat with her yourself. It might would come off better that way if she just understood that this would hurt you.
Post # 14
I am sure she didn’t mean anything by it.
My father died when I was six from cancer. He was 29. I have known my whole life that he wouldnt be at my wedding but it didn’t make it any easier so i know how hard it is. Your are constantly teetering back and fprth between happy and then sad and no one really knows what you are going through. Pm me if you just want to talk about it with someone.
My dh and I talked about it and I knew how important it was to his mother.
I could have said no we aren’t going to have one and I know she would have understood but would have been disappointed. So we talked to her and asked her to pick out a song that she wanted to dance to with my DH. We then told her how I would not be doing a father daughter dance with my grandfather and she decided she didn’t want to do the dance because she didn’t want to take anything away from me our the wedding or make it seem like it was about her.
We ended up doing them in the long run, my grandfather had asked me if we could do it to honor my father and I of course agreed (i alsp think he knew this was his only chance to have a dance like this at a weddinf, my one aunt, his daughter, doesnt talk to him abd my other aunt will probably never get married pr if she does it will be at the courthous). So I did a father daughter dance with my grandfather and she had her mother son dance.
I really think you should let her have it. It isn’t fair that she can’t get her experience from a wedding just because you won’t be dancing. Or tell her you aren’t having a father daughter dance and maybe she will decide she doesn’t want to do it anymore. I don’t think she was trying to be mean or insensitive she is just excited and it doesn’t help that you and your FI were not on the same page regarding this.
I am sure it will be fine and you can always offer to just play the song at some point during the night like other pps suggested if you really don’t want her to have the full spotlight.
Post # 15
ladymarian : Sorry for your loss bee. I think that FMIL was just excited about dancing with her son. It is probably something that she’s thought of for a long time. It is so sad that you will not be able to dance with your father but I personally don’t think this should mean your FI and his mother also can’t dance.
I was recently at a wedding where the groom’s mother had passed. There was still the father/daughter dance. Earlier in the evening the groom’s father had everyone share a moment of reflection to allow his mother’s presence to be felt. (not everyone’s style… but it was sweet)
First dance, father/daughter, mother/son have been at all the US weddings I’ve been to.