(Closed) Painful even at penetration. feel like failure. . doctor's says it's normal

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 16
Member
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Sounds like your husband is out to lunch and not very sensitive.  That probably doesn’t help things.

It’s totally normal to not be able to actually have sex the firs time you try.  I had the same experience.  It was hard for a long time because I was so nervous, didn’t have a good handle on foreplay, and also had emotional trouble with the whole “good girls don’t have sex” thing.  

I suggest you take the emphasis off the actual act of intercourse for a while and play with other aspects of sexuality.  Most people have many months or years of experience with other sexual activities before they ever get to intercourse – making out, petting over and under clothes, oral, etc.  Just jumping straight to the main attraction is a huge leap and, frankly, would be traumatizing for many people.  Sex should be fun and when you’re new at it, foreplay should be LONG!  You should spend at least 30+ minutes doing things that get your in the mood (making out, taking a shower together, him rubbing your cl*t, etc) before you even attempt intercourse.

Also:

 – lube is your friend.  Buy good quality stuff at a reputable women’s sex shop.  YOu can buy online if you are uncomfortable visiting.

 – To relax your nether regions, practice relaxing your jaw muscles.  It’ll help you connect to the feeling of unconcious tension and release is.  When I was younger I had to do this to use tampons.

 – A glass of wine never hurts.  It helps you let go of your inhibitions and relax.  Not too much though!

Post # 17
Member
4521 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m also sure that as much as your husband would like sex, he values your physical and emotional well-being more. He should be willing to have a little patience for the sake of not causing you pain.

Post # 18
Member
4521 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
cbgg:  I hear you on the “good girls don’t have sex” problem. We’ve been taught all our lives that it’s wrong, we can’t all just switch overnight. I cried for days after I lost my viriginity because I felt like I had done something wrong. Part of me wishes I’d waited for Fiance, but no way I deserved to beat myself up for wanting to do something my body was designed to want to do.

Post # 19
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

View original reply
urchin:  yup yup yup

Being nervous and not turned on is going to make everything tight and tense down there. 

Your husband suggesting surgery is NOT helping. 

Post # 20
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I had very similar issues out of nowhere.  I would be in so much pain and doctors could not find the issue. I finally saw a new gyno that wanted to do surgery as well and found out that I have endometriosis.  They cleaned it up and got me on proper birth control that helps with endometriosis and feel SO much better. That might be what they are thinking? Just a thought 🙂

Post # 21
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

No surgury! NO SURGURY. The surgury does exist but smart doctors know that it can cause later life prolasping post child birth. You can’t retighten after you’ve been physically widened through a cut to your vagina. It could also cause bladder and incontinence problems. You need to just take it slow and buy yourself a small dildo to practise with by yourself without the pressure of your husband. In the meantime focus on foreplay. Really focus on that and get to know each other without sex first.  

Post # 21
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

No surgury! NO SURGURY. The surgury does exist but smart doctors know that it can cause later life prolasping post child birth. You can’t retighten after you’ve been physically widened through a cut to your vagina. It could also cause bladder and incontinence problems. You need to just take it slow and buy yourself a small dildo to practise with by yourself without the pressure of your husband. In the meantime focus on foreplay. Really focus on that and get to know each other without sex first.  

Post # 23
Member
13889 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’d be pretty heated if my  husband suggested I have unnecessary surgery rather than trying to resolve the issue on its own.  It would make me more uncomfortable getting intimate and make the whole situaiton worse. 

You need to have an open discussion with him and let him know this isn’t your doing (you aren’t trying to make it painful) and that he needs to support you, not pressure you into unnecessary medical procedures.

Post # 24
Member
9830 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

First off, how many times have you tried? If it was only the one time…yeah I’d try again with wine, lube and patience.

Sex can be very painful at first for some people, but having surgery is ridiculous IMO. I would certainly hope you’d try some dilators and get another opinion before subjecting yourself to possible life long complications.

Post # 25
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

SURGERY??? That really is an absolute last resort… most issues are not resolved through surgery.

Where exactly does it hurt? Does it feel tight? Is it a problem with your external or your internal genitalia? Is it a burning sensation, or a sharp pain, or what? What does the pain feel like?

Post # 26
Member
2807 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

uh, i’d avoid surgery at all costs. especially down in that area.

i’ve been sexually active for years and years. and i still get pain. i’ve just got a narrow pelvis and it’s something i’ve learned to deal with. i’ve had myself checked out by various doctors, it’s nothing that they can fix. it’s gotten better over the years, though. it’s not nearly as excruciating. however, there are times when we’re having sex and it hurts so much worse than others.

i echo PP’s suggestions- wine, lube, let yourself get comfortable. you’re probably worked up because you know it’s gonna hurt. if you relax, it might not hurt as much.

Post # 27
Member
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m going to be nice and assume your husband is referring to surgery break the hymen, which can be super thick in some women. That is a legitimate surgical option if you turn out to have a super thick hymen. An Ob/Gyn should be able to tell you if that’s your problem. Surgery on the vaginal canal to open it up is not a reasonable option, especially at this point.

I agree with PPs

  1. Talk to your guy. It might be awkward but you need to be able to talk about this. Make sure he understands that you want this to happen and really love him and are attracted to him. But he needs to be undestanding that you might need to take things slowly and that stressing you out will only make it worse. 
  2. Think sexy thoughts. This sounds silly but it will help. If you can get your mind into the game and turned on, it’ll help everything run more smoothly. If you’re struggling with this – try reading some sexy stories on literotica.com
  3. Do something to help loosen you up and relax. Wine/cocktail works great if you drink. Otherwise, maybe a massage or nice bath or meditation/prayer?
  4. Foreplay. Lots of foreplay. Just follow what feels good. I might even do an entire session of just foreplay with no pressure for penetrative sex.
  5. Lube. The importance of lubrication cannot be overstated.
  6. Stretching. This can be done with fingers or toys, but start small and work your way up in size.
  7. Time. It will take some time to get you ready physically and metnally. That’s fine. Don’t feel like you have to rush. Enjoy learning about yourself and your new husband!
Post # 28
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Umh no offense – but what’s wrong with your husband? Who suggests surgery on your vagina because he didn’t get laid right away?

It’s much less about your husbabnd’s size than about your conceptions of sex and him pressuring you. To me he also sounds like he’s not really the most thoughtful lover – make sure he gives you plenty of time with foreplay, fingering you, licking you … Don’t try to force anything. If you’re just not up to it, try another time. It isn’t going to do anything for either one of you if you habe to force yourself through this. 

 

After my daughter was born, I had incredible pain from sex. So we just didn’t have sex until it got better which means that in the first half year, I think that would have been two or three times. Well too bad for him but there are two of you and sex should be pleasurable for both, so if that’s not the case, then the one partner shouldn’t get upset about it but ask what he could do to change things for the better. 

Post # 29
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
katiecat08:  You’ve only been having sex for 3 weeks (how often?)- you’re going to be tight and it’s going to hurt, especially if your man is big. This is completely normal.

I’ve been having sex for 7 years now, no pain. But it was painful the first few times I had sex, which was probably over a couple month period. 

Post # 30
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was also a virgin when we got married and I was 23.  A LOT of what you described was my husband and I.  I have some other issues (endometriosis throws another whole load of issues into the mix), but it was painful for us too.  What I finally started doing was taking some Ibuprofen before we would have sex and told him that he HAD to go slow and we used a ton of lube.  That helped. I also did 4 months of pelvic physical therapy and that really helped!  It was due to surgery from the endometriosis, but it helped our sex life a lot.  I would get a new doctor and ask about the physical therapy. Our insurance covered it completely and it wasn’t embarrassing at all.  

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