- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
I’m sorry to post this here. I am going through a terrible time at the moment and my friends who i’ve spoken to about it laugh it off as they dont understand. My fiance is as supportive as he can be and although I have spoken to my teenage son about this I dont like to burden him.
Which is why I am posting here to get this off my chest………
I have been having panic attacks on and off for years now, sometimes I dont have one for months at a time then suddenly wake up in the night gasping for air and feeling like I cant breathe. I have to walk around the house, use the bathroom, make sure the doors are locked and my son is in bed and make sure the cats are in before I can go back to sleep.
There is no reason for me to be depressed, I am engaged to a wonderful man, we live in a nice house with my teenage son who causes no problems to us. We have a nice car and 2 loving cats. I have lots of friends who are busy with their own lives and I dont like to bother but I know they would be there for me if I really needed them.
My fiance has an important job and sometimes has to go away to meetings for a few days which is always really hard on me.
This isnt about trust. I trust him 100% although in the first few months while we were ‘not officially together’ and both free to do what we wanted we both casually saw other people. Since becoming official in the past 2 years we have been exclusive and I know he would never think of cheating on me and I would never dream of doing anything to disrespect him.
Last week out of the blue work asked him to go to scotland (a 7-8 hour drive from home) to work for 2 weeks. He had only been on the road for 30 minutes when I rang him up crying and gasping for air and begged him to come back for me. I quickly threw a bag together and he came back I jumped in the car and am now in scotland with him! I had to ring up work and say I was ill which is something i’ve never done before. I am planning on travelling home in an hour or so but I am scared I will freak out on the motorway and spin around and come back.
I am dreading being at home without him. My son is great but works full time and has his own social life so I dont want to drain him.
I feel right now like ringing work up and saying I am still ill so I can spend a few more days here. Even though I am sitting in the hotel bored while he is out working, I am still near to him.
I have always been quite confident although I have major weight issues. A few years ago I managed to lose 4 and a half stone in 9 months but I have put 2 and a half back on in the past year. I think I had less panic attacks when I was slimmer.
I dont want to go to the doctor as he will say I am depressed and prescibe me some drugs which I do not want to take. We are planning on ivf/adoption in the next few years and I dont want anti-depressants on my record.
I’m so sorry to post this all here but reading it all back has made me feel a little better. I am usually a happy, fun loving girl/fiance/mum/collegue/friend and I don’t know why I feel so down at the moment. Our wedding is booked for next June and I am really excited about this. I know I am marrying the right man. I have never been happier in a relationship I just feel like maybe I am obsessed with him as I hate being apart.