(Closed) Paranoid FI is cheating. Help!

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Hostess
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

anonbee290:  Have you tried having an open and honest conversation with him about your feelings about his activities invoving her, his reactions to her when she is around, and the longer run with no indication of running, etc. or have you been keeping all of this to yourself?  I am really sorry you are feeling this way; I would definitely be hurt if I thought my Fiance had the hots for another woman, but my first course of action would be talking to him about it, not snooping through his phone. Hopefully you can have some open dialogue with him about your feelings and get to the bottom of what’s going on.  Best of luck–I’m sure this is really difficult and I feel for you.

Post # 3
Member
770 posts
Busy bee

Despite the likelihood that I would check my partner’s phone if he was doing all of the above, I urge you not to but to talk to him instead. Tell him your concerns. If he’s as good a man as you say, he will reduce his contact with her because he wants you to be happy. I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way – it’s not a nice place to be. 

Post # 4
Member
3611 posts
Sugar bee

The “going for a run” thing is strange, but there are a lot of possible explanations behind it other than cheating. The rest of it just sounds like he thinks she’s hot and engaging, which he’s allowed to do, although it’s weird to be overly close to one’s brother’s girlfriend.

Cheating on you with her would be such a huge betrayal of both you and his brother that I wouldn’t rush to jump to this conclusion.

Post # 5
Member
2316 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

Stop! Before you snoop, talk to him. Let him know you’ve become a little uncomfortable with the amount of time the two of them are spending together. Even if I knew there was nothing going on, I would’nt want my husband frequently hanging around another woman alone. Selfishly, I’d rather he be spending time with me.

Anyway, I’d bring it up first, before you go through his things.

Post # 6
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Okay I would totally snoop! I HATE snooping but I feel like you should before you bring it up to him  I’m sorry bee 🙁

Post # 7
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

I can’t say for certain he’s not cheating (not because I think he is, but because I don’t know him!) but I will say that when you’re fixated on something, and looking for signs then you will find them. 

Abything you see will immediately equal cheating and that isn’t necessarily the case. Those are just your thoughts, and thoughts are not facts. 

For example, there could have been numerous other times that he has been an hour longer doing something for any reason and you wouldn’t have even noticed or attributed it to cheating because you weren’t so fixated on it.

Lke PPs, I think you should talk to him first and see where that gets you. 

Post # 8
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Maybe they are just enjoy each others company in the land of friendship only. My question to you is: would you be worried he was cheating if this was a guy? Maybe its just that their common interests are not interests that their partners have. For example, you say they like to ski, and you dont and neither does his brother. Maybe they feel comfortable enough to just go ski because they both have partners and just enjoy the skiing. I don’t think you should go through his things as I am sure you would end up feeling guilty if you found nothing. Instead just have a conversation with him about how you feel when for example, he looks at her. Its normal to feel weird and crazy when you feel like your partner is paying someone else attention that they shouldn’t but dont act on those feelings. Just have a conservation and see where that goes.

Post # 8
Member
3450 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I agree that you should talk to him first. His phone will still be there if the conversation doesn’t give you answers. Be completely non judgmental and plan your words carefully; if he gets defensive you might become flustered and say the wrong thing, so be prepared. Don’t accuse, and use more “I” than “you”. So, “I have been uncomfortable because this, this, and this” not “You keep making be uncomfortable because you do this, this, and this.” 

And remember that once you first had a suspicion, of course it was natural to look for anything to back it up, including noticing the running thing and seeing him whispering to her in a different light. Innocent until proven guilty. 

Also maybe be prepared for what you will do if it does turn out he was cheating. Does that mean it’s over? Will you see a therapist? Move out temporarIy or permanently? Just things to think about.

Good luck, Bee. 

Post # 9
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

I would never be comfortable with my Fiance going on a two hour ski trip alone with a woman. I don’t feel it’s appropriate or respectful. Nor would I do the same alone with a man. If it was a group that would be different. As far as everything else it sounds very subjective but I would definitely talk about it with him and let him know you’re uncomfortable with their relationship. I can’t say if he’s cheating or not but I wouldn’t be okay with his behavior either

Post # 11
Member
1162 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I would be extremely curious as to what is on his phone. I would be afraid that if I tried to talk to him beforehand, he would either A) Delete any conversations on his phone that is proof of him cheating and B) He would start being more careful because he knows you’re suspicious. 

I guess the way that I would handle this is I would talk to him and tell him what is going on and then I would ask for him to show me his phone and look through it with me there. He’ll either get defensive and not want to show you his phone, which an innocent person in my opinion shouldn’t have anything to hide, or he’ll be flat out honest and say he’s cheated and you won’t even need to look at the phone.

Of course there is a chance he’s truly been faithful and I hope that is the case for you. If he has cheated, I hope you’re prepared to take the next step. I wish you luck

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by  kcoast.
Post # 12
Member
10067 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Agree you need to talk to him about this and see what happens there before snooping. 

Post # 13
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

anonbee290:  have you checked his phone yet, if I thought my fiancé was cheating.  I would and then it would go one of two ways, I would feel awful for not trusting him whilst the little gremlin relaxed in my tummy, or he would be wearing an imprint of my pinkies for a week 😀

Post # 14
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Trust your gut.

Post # 15
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Woman’s intuition is rarely wrong.

Snoop.

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