Post # 1
Ok bees. Going undercover here on this one e cause I’m so embarrassed.
I’m 95.9% sure My fiancé and his brothers girlfriend have something going on with one another.
Some back story. My Fiance is 39. I am 37. His brothers girlfriend is 25. Skinny, pretty face, crazy smart…the whole 9 yards. The first time we ever met her (out foru dinner with the two of them) immediately upon leaving my fiancé comments on how interesting she is. He’s not the type of guy that watches porn or notices other women. So for him to say that really threw me for a loop. We live in California, and my Fiance loves to go skiing whenever possible. I don’t ski. But of course his brothers girlfriend does. Since we first got together with them for dinner, they have gone skiing together several times. Just the two of them, as his brother doesn’t ski either. Fiance always picks her up and they drive together (about 2 hours there and 2 hours back).
Anyway, the alone skiing about half a dozen times is annoying enough. And then when he arrives home, goes on and on about what a great skier she is. He has never commented on her looks, though. What worries me most is a recent event. The four of us were at dinner, and my fiancé and her were across from one another. There was one moment I was talking and he was completely entranced staring at her. I mean, a bomb could have went off and he didn’t even blink. I even tried touching his leg and his gaze just didn’t break. We also went to the art museum with them beforehand, and saw them over in front of a painting, not touching each other, but my fiancé leaned into her ear whispering to her. The whole thing just didn’t look right. I get along with his brother great, but he and I don’t act anything like that around one another.
The cherry on top, Fiance saying he went for a run (as he often does when the weather gets nice) but was gone for about an hour longer than usual, and nothing about him, the smell of his clothes, the look of his hair, indicated he was out for a run.
I’m about one step away from checking his phone when he’s in the shower, or in the bathroom (there is no passcode on it). I know I very well could be imagining things, but I’m losing my mind here and can’t stop seeding what I’m seeing. Am I crazy? Am I seeing things? Btw, Fiance and I have no issues. Of course little things everyone deals with, but otherwise have a great sex life, make each other laugh, share interests. We definitely aren’t having issues or boring nights. Thoughts on how to approach?
thanks to anyone who can offer advice. Going crazy here!
Post # 2
anonbee290: Have you tried having an open and honest conversation with him about your feelings about his activities invoving her, his reactions to her when she is around, and the longer run with no indication of running, etc. or have you been keeping all of this to yourself? I am really sorry you are feeling this way; I would definitely be hurt if I thought my Fiance had the hots for another woman, but my first course of action would be talking to him about it, not snooping through his phone. Hopefully you can have some open dialogue with him about your feelings and get to the bottom of what’s going on. Best of luck–I’m sure this is really difficult and I feel for you.
Post # 3
Despite the likelihood that I would check my partner’s phone if he was doing all of the above, I urge you not to but to talk to him instead. Tell him your concerns. If he’s as good a man as you say, he will reduce his contact with her because he wants you to be happy. I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way – it’s not a nice place to be.
Post # 4
The “going for a run” thing is strange, but there are a lot of possible explanations behind it other than cheating. The rest of it just sounds like he thinks she’s hot and engaging, which he’s allowed to do, although it’s weird to be overly close to one’s brother’s girlfriend.
Cheating on you with her would be such a huge betrayal of both you and his brother that I wouldn’t rush to jump to this conclusion.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
Stop! Before you snoop, talk to him. Let him know you’ve become a little uncomfortable with the amount of time the two of them are spending together. Even if I knew there was nothing going on, I would’nt want my husband frequently hanging around another woman alone. Selfishly, I’d rather he be spending time with me.
Anyway, I’d bring it up first, before you go through his things.
Post # 6
Okay I would totally snoop! I HATE snooping but I feel like you should before you bring it up to him I’m sorry bee 🙁
Post # 7
I can’t say for certain he’s not cheating (not because I think he is, but because I don’t know him!) but I will say that when you’re fixated on something, and looking for signs then you will find them.
Abything you see will immediately equal cheating and that isn’t necessarily the case. Those are just your thoughts, and thoughts are not facts.
For example, there could have been numerous other times that he has been an hour longer doing something for any reason and you wouldn’t have even noticed or attributed it to cheating because you weren’t so fixated on it.
Lke PPs, I think you should talk to him first and see where that gets you.
Post # 8
Maybe they are just enjoy each others company in the land of friendship only. My question to you is: would you be worried he was cheating if this was a guy? Maybe its just that their common interests are not interests that their partners have. For example, you say they like to ski, and you dont and neither does his brother. Maybe they feel comfortable enough to just go ski because they both have partners and just enjoy the skiing. I don’t think you should go through his things as I am sure you would end up feeling guilty if you found nothing. Instead just have a conversation with him about how you feel when for example, he looks at her. Its normal to feel weird and crazy when you feel like your partner is paying someone else attention that they shouldn’t but dont act on those feelings. Just have a conservation and see where that goes.
Post # 8
I agree that you should talk to him first. His phone will still be there if the conversation doesn’t give you answers. Be completely non judgmental and plan your words carefully; if he gets defensive you might become flustered and say the wrong thing, so be prepared. Don’t accuse, and use more “I” than “you”. So, “I have been uncomfortable because this, this, and this” not “You keep making be uncomfortable because you do this, this, and this.”
And remember that once you first had a suspicion, of course it was natural to look for anything to back it up, including noticing the running thing and seeing him whispering to her in a different light. Innocent until proven guilty.
Also maybe be prepared for what you will do if it does turn out he was cheating. Does that mean it’s over? Will you see a therapist? Move out temporarIy or permanently? Just things to think about.
Good luck, Bee.
Post # 9
I would never be comfortable with my Fiance going on a two hour ski trip alone with a woman. I don’t feel it’s appropriate or respectful. Nor would I do the same alone with a man. If it was a group that would be different. As far as everything else it sounds very subjective but I would definitely talk about it with him and let him know you’re uncomfortable with their relationship. I can’t say if he’s cheating or not but I wouldn’t be okay with his behavior either
Post # 11
I would be extremely curious as to what is on his phone. I would be afraid that if I tried to talk to him beforehand, he would either A) Delete any conversations on his phone that is proof of him cheating and B) He would start being more careful because he knows you’re suspicious.
I guess the way that I would handle this is I would talk to him and tell him what is going on and then I would ask for him to show me his phone and look through it with me there. He’ll either get defensive and not want to show you his phone, which an innocent person in my opinion shouldn’t have anything to hide, or he’ll be flat out honest and say he’s cheated and you won’t even need to look at the phone.
Of course there is a chance he’s truly been faithful and I hope that is the case for you. If he has cheated, I hope you’re prepared to take the next step. I wish you luck
Post # 12
Agree you need to talk to him about this and see what happens there before snooping.
Post # 13
- Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017
anonbee290: have you checked his phone yet, if I thought my fiancé was cheating. I would and then it would go one of two ways, I would feel awful for not trusting him whilst the little gremlin relaxed in my tummy, or he would be wearing an imprint of my pinkies for a week 😀
Post # 15
Woman’s intuition is rarely wrong.