Post # 1
My Fiance and I occasionally bring up the subject of having a child or two. I was a Girl Scout leader for a few years and did pretty well I think (or at least a lot of the moms told me so), and the girls all absolutely loved Fiance. I think we would make halfway decent parents, enough to raise a good human or two without any major lasting problems.
I’m just not 100% sure I want to right now. I really think I want to wait just one more year or two. Doesn’t seem like that long. Kids are a huge deal. I just want to do a handful of things that would be extremely hard to while pregnant or with a baby, and we’re also about to move in with FI’s parents temporarily and don’t know exactly how long it will be until we’re really properly settled again. We’re only planning to be there for a few months, but we’re also not fooling ourselves with the current state of the economy. Anyway…
Fiance has started mentioning, more often, that this is pretty much the only thing that our age difference might cause problems with. He’s 18 years old than me. We and all of our family and friends are totally ok with this (though it obviously took longer for them than for us). But FI’s family history versus mine, coupled with my age, indicates there’s a good chance that if we have kids like tomorrow, they’ll have a mother for at least twice as long as they’ll have a father. He said he had friends with much older fathers, and it sucked when the father couldn’t do something because of it.
While I know Fiance would love to have kids, he’s pretty much leaving the main decision up to me at this point, and just making sure I know that I really do need to actually make the decision, and probably soon. I’m cool with that, as for the first 9 months, I’d pretty much be doing all the work.
I know the decision is ultimately mine. I’m just looking for a little feedback. A few opinions. I may not do anything with them. But it can’t hurt to go forward armed with a little bit more info. I’ve read a few articles about couples with a significantly older husband who are very glad they decided to have kids, and wouldn’t change it for the world. I want to see if anyone comes up with any little tidbit of wisdom I may not have thought of yet. What might you do in this situation?
Post # 3
How old is he right now? My Fiance is 49 (I’m 28) and that was a major discussion early on. I have a 3 yr old from my first marriage and he has a 16 yr old from a previous relationship. He indicated that while he was happy to be a step-parent at this stage in his life, it would be a major undertaking to sign up to be a bio-parent. It worked out for us because I didn’t want any more children anyways, but it was definitely a major decision to make. Do you definitely want a child that is biologically yours and FI’s? If yes, then it probably would be better to start seriously thinking about it sooner than later. This is even more important if you want more than one. Would you ever consider adopting? Maybe even a slightly older child? If you adopted a child that was maybe 5 or 6, then you would still get to have a formative role in that child’s life as parents and you have a greater chance of your Fiance being an active part of the child’s life to adulthood. Also, your concerns about being able to accomplish certain goals while pregnant wouldn’t be an issue. This could also be an option if you have a bio-child in the near future and then if you wanted a second child, you could adopt then. Either way, it sounds like when you’re ready, you will be a great mom!
Post # 4
Neither of us have any kids yet. He’s 48, and I just turned 30. We have briefly mentioned adoption (yes, a few years old would be fine), but from what little research I’ve done on the subject, I don’t see any way we’d be able to afford that route. We could of course provide for any child we had, but I can’t see us being able to dole out that kind of money all at once, as opposed to birthing a baby with insurance covering part of it. We’d even consider a set of siblings if we could go the adoption route.
FI’s brother and SIL actually just went through that. They took in 2 brothers from the foster system, and as they were just about ready to make things official, their birth mother had a little girl. In the few months the courts spent trying to figure out what to do about a newborn addicted to crack, the birth mother apparently got her act together enough that they gave her the boys back, and they immidately moved out of the state. I don’t think I could go through something like that, and I’ve heard private adoptions can be much more expensive than going through what is sometimes a flawed “system.” I could be wrong, but it seems intimidating. I’m totally all for helping kids who need a home, though, if we could.
Post # 5
Given your FBIL/FSIL’s experience, I can understand the hesitation. Maybe if you skipped the foster system and went through an agency, you might avoid some of the uncertainty? You could also look into just fostering children, without the intent to adopt. That would allow you to help more children overall, and if it gets to be too much for your Fiance later on, then you could ease out of the program. Regardless, it sounds like you’re looking into all your available options, and now it’s just matter of considering the timing, and if you’ve got a list of goals to accomplish before getting PG/adopting/etc, I’d start tackling them.
Post # 6
When I was younger (like 18 years ago) I babysat for a family who had their first kid when the wife was 34 and the day was 50. And the second one shortly after. If your husband is healthy and takes care of himself he should be plenty able to keep up with the kids. There’s a certain amount of risk for all parents no matter what the age.
Those kids are in college now (CRAZY!) and I think all is well.
I did have another friend in HS who’s mom was probably in her 40’s or 50’s and dad was like 80 something. That was a very different situation – he was always alseep or ‘resting’ if we were at his house in the evenings. I’m not sure I ever even saw him? But I do know he still had a fantastic family and relationship with both his parents.
I guess you guys just have to figure out what will work for you! Best of luck 🙂
Post # 7
One of my best friends has a dad that is the same age as my grandparents. (My grandparents are young and her dad is old.) Her dad has never had any problems keeping up with the kids. His youngest son is now 21 and in college and he’s 70. The father has a great relationship with all four of his kids.
I say if you want kids, go for it. If you wait 6months+ to start trying to get pregnant, the soonest you would have a baby would be more than a year from now.
Post # 8
Just wait!! A couple of years really won’t make that big of a difference, you’re only 30. We are going to start right away, but it’s something we both really want- no kids (currently) for either of us, yet. I’ll be 35 by the time we get married, so we’re not going to wait any longer to start trying. 🙂 Both of our families live till 80’s and 90’s so, unless something else happens, I plan on FH being around for atleast another 30-40 years 🙂
Post # 9
My SO’s parents were in their 40’s when they had him, versus my parents who were in their 20’s when they had me. He has a brother that his 4 years older then him and a sister that is 17 years older then him. My grandparents are only 10 years older then my SO’s parents. My SO who is 25 lost his dad 5 years ago, and his mom is not in very good health. Growing up niether of his parents were involved in his life, and I think it is very hard on him to be dealing with his ageing mom when he is barely on his feet himself. I know his sister is more like a parent to him then his parents ever were. My parents are just starting their 50’s now and full of life and are greatly involved in our lives, as they always have been and I know they will be around to see their grand childern grow up too.
Post # 10
I’m 20 and my partner is 18 years older than me and we have a 4 month baby. EEK. No she wasn’t planned (but somehow got passed THREE types of contraception plus my low fertility) and there’s 18 years between my parents, my dad was in his 60s and mum in her 40s when they had me (I was the last of four) and I suppose I noticed the difference over the last 10 years with dad being older because he has arthritis etc BUT I grew up with a lot of patience and respect for older people. It does make me sad sometimes when I realise I’ll probably grow old on my own so having children around will be a welcome relief to being a bitter old hag! Saying that, my Fiance is in waaay better physical condition than me so there may not be much difference in the end. I’m all for living now rather than regretting it later.