(Closed) Parent favoritism?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Poor thing.. sigh maybe the dad doesn’t think your hubby needs anything because he’s well off (has a wife, doing well) and that the young son needs a “toy” because he’s still a kid in college… i definitely don’t think it’s fair at all though.

Post # 4
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

This is a good point to bring up! There are definitely subtle favorites in my house. My sister and mother are very close, and my father and I are closer. But my sister can defintiely be a spoiled brat sometimes. I worked my tail off to get where I am today. For example, I needed a car for a school rotation, so instead of buying one, I joined a car coop to save money (and help the environemnt). My sister decided she was too good for transit and my parents BOUGHT her a car! And when she crashed that one, they bought her another one!

My parents love me all the same, but I definitely feel like sometimes my sister gets preferential treatment. Which is ironic, because she often walks all over my parents and treats them like crap. Weird, huh?

Post # 5
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I don’t think it’s fair either, but if it doesn’t bother your hubby, there’s nothing really you can do or say. I guess be thankful it doesn’t bother him? I think it’s really sad that it stacks up THAT much. I would personally be really upset.

Post # 6
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee

I say if he doesn’t complain, don’t worry about it too much.  So long as he doesn’t always get the short end of the stick, that is.

I’m of the opinion that Boyfriend or Best Friend has been ranked below the dogs at some point, even though he’s the awesomest person ever.  I think that may be the reason he is averse to getting a pet.

He’s definitely said a few times “the more I get, the less she gets” in regards to trying to even out  some of the things she’s gotten that are on the side of being spoiled.

I don’t quite agree with that mentality, but I’m glad he knows he’s got to stand up for himself.

Post # 7
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Ugh. This is a complicated situation. I almost feel that if your Fiance isn’t saying anything…let it go. But seeing as I am neither of my parents’ favorite (they prefer my brother and sister), I can speak from experience that us unfavored kids learn not to say anything. I know the last two times i’ve mentioned this to my parents it ended in giant fights/verbal blow-outs. I have learned to just deal with it silently because saying something makes things worse, not better.

 

Which makes me want to tell you to say something! Stand up for your man! But…it make cause a huge family rift. Your Fiance may or may not back you in this fight. Hmmm…maybe you ought to sit down and talk with him about this. Is this a life long thing? A one time “little brother is pulling in Amazing grades let’s celebrate!” thing? That really matters.

Post # 8
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@OP

I feel you, the same thing exists with my FIs family, his younger brother is definitely the more favoured one. Thing is, I also feel like they favour his gf over me too (yes, she has been around longer … and it is probably because I am insecure as I nor my family, are in the same financial situation than they are [his family is well off, my family not so much) … FIs brother’s gf’s family is also well off).

 

But, I just bite my tongue, because nothing I can do.

Post # 9
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

He is probably used to it…I know I am. My parents had one or two of my siblings that they spoiled endlessly…but you know what it did? It taught me to be my own person and find my own interests which sounds like exactly what your husband is doing. There is no need to be upset on his behalf…I am sure he appreciates it but it won’t change anything. Just grit your teeth and smile through it…b/c trust me…his father is not going to change….Lord knows my parents haven’t.

Post # 10
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I feel like we have the opposite problem. Future Mother-In-Law is SO concerned with keeping absolutely everything between Fiance and his brother, and so ANYTIME she buys something for Fiance and I, she has to spend the same amount on something for his brother. (FI and I are both in college and struggling for money, and his brother is married with two kids and doing relatively well). 

For example, she said she really can’t help with the wedding because if she gave us money for the wedding she’d have to give the same amount to FI’s brother and she can’t afford that. It’s just a little annoying because I’m sure FI’s brother would understand that sometimes EVERYTHING isn’t exactly equal!!

Post # 11
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Totally not fair, but nothing you can do. It would upset me too though. And I would think that it would upset your hubby, but if he doesn’t want to say something, then you can’t!

Post # 12
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think favorites are common in families.  I would wager that most of the time, the people that are doing it really don’t even realize they are doing it.  I seem to remember seeing a study on this several years ago where they videotaped families and watched for favortism.  The parents rated their behavior as completely “fair and equitable” but it was so evident from the tapes that one child was consistently favored over another.

As someone who really believes in fairness, this is hard for me to swallow, but Mr. DG (being the glass is really all the way full kind of guy) always points out that different kids may have different needs.  Favortism is really more, in that case, of the parents meeting the different kids’ needs.  I don’t know that I always buy that (especially in the case that you present), but it sure made a lot of sense to me in other cases.

Post # 13
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Im probably the only one that feels this way, but I think youre being unreasonable. There may well very be favoritism, but since when do adult children still receive birthday gifts? if you guys are old enough to be married, I think a card is all you should expect. People in college are typically still dependents.  Newlyweds, not so much.

Did the parents contribute to the cost of the wedding? That may be your ‘birthday gift’ for many years to come.

Im with your husband.  I dont see favoritism at work.  What did you guys get the Father-In-Law for his birthday?  My hubby and I have not received birthday parents from our parents in some time – we still get them gifts though.  Once you pass the age of majority, its no longer expected for your parents to provide for you.

Post # 14
Member
3098 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I’m in my 30’s, and still receive birthday gifts. I think it varies by family, instead of being a rule that it has to end in adulthood.

My sister was favored in different ways, and I was favored in different ways. I tend to agree with DG that it’s a parents way (most of the time) of meeting the needs of each child.

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