Post # 1
Got engaged to Fiance in April this year, after being together for just less than a year. Unfortunately the occasion was marred by my mother’s previous and continuing irrational behaviour towards him, which was unwarranted. I won’t go into it, but because of what my mother has done, his parents do not want to meet my mine ever. To make things worse, my fiance’ s parents only want to attend the wedding ceremony but not the reception! In fairness future Mother-In-Law has health issues (severe back problems) and Father-In-Law has OCD, and both are not sociable. Saying that I think it is awful that they’d want to do that, especially as Dear Fiance is an only child. To me it looks like they are not for the marriage, even though they were pleased with our engagement, and is just poor show or lack thereof. I’m looking at venues which are private and have rooms where bridal party can rest, if they need be. I’m even proposing ceremony at 1pm, wedding breakfast at 3pm, cake cut at 6pm, so that they can at least toast us then go home, so that they are not out all day long. I feel their attitude is no better than my mother’s and I am disappointed. Am I being unreasonable. Is this not breaking any etiquette or convention?
Post # 2
We’re missing way too much info here.
Post # 3
If they don’t want to go to the reception, they don’t want to go. The ceremony is the most important part and there’s no point in wasting your time/energy being upset by something you can’t change. Enjoy the reception with the people who want to be there.
Post # 4
Depends on what the issue with your mother was. Without that there’s really no real context. Sorry, you don’t have to share anything you don’t want to but if we could get a general sense of how severe the problem was, it would be helpful.
Post # 5
I think you do need to “get into” your mothers unwarranted and irrational behavior towards your fiancé.
If they think that your mother is irrational and treating their son like crap, on top of anxiety problems, I totally understand them not wanting to be around your mother.
Your mother’s behavior is significant and we need details on what happened
Post # 6
I would be hurt if they didn’t attend the reception without good reason, but it seems like they do have good reasons. They are attending the ceremony, which is the important part.
I would try to do something private with them to celebrate, like dinner the next day or something.
Post # 7
No. They are not breaking any etiquette rules. They have let you know ahead of time so that you can avoid any costs involved in hosting them at the reception. They have met any obligations expected of guests.
Post # 8
PILs can do whatever they please.
What is your mother doing to your fiancé? That is the only issue here. If she’s treating him poorly, you need to nip that in the bud and stop speaking to her until she fixes her attitude. That’s not fair to your fiancé.
Post # 9
the reception is the couple’s way of thanking the guests for attending the ceremony. so if they want to attend the ceremony and skip out on the part that thanks them for attending the ceremony, I don’t see anything wrong with that, especially if one of them has health issues.
Post # 10
A reception is the thank you to your guests for witnessing your marriage ceremony, which they are doing. It is you receiving your guests for the first time as a married couple. It’s a party, not a hostage situation. If they aren’t feeling up to the party, they just aren’t feeling up to it and if they feel sufficiently welcomed and thanked without attending the accompanying party that is their prerogative.
Some disappointment? Sure. But to go as far and say they are being rude and breaking etiquette to not endure a party they neither feel well enough to attend nor are comfortable attending is going a bit far. And it is definitely too far to suggest they aren’t for your marriage. You are aware the marriage part occurs during the ceremony that they will be attending, right?
Post # 11
applegirl80 : So you want them to sit there in literal physical pain, as well as emotional distress? That is what you’re demanding here.
- “Am I being unreasonable.” — Yes, completely.
- “Is this not breaking any etiquette or convention?” — No, there is no etiquette or convention that someone must show their support of a marriage by suffering hours of physical pain and mental distress.
It’s one thing to be disappointed and sorry that they’ll miss the festivities. It is something else entirely to pout about a “poor show.” Have some compassion.
Post # 12
mrscb2bee : I agree; I’d be more worried about this to be honest. I’ve been in a situation of my mom disliking and having an incident with my ex. The tension and emotional drain it all caused for the following 2 years was hard, and he was long distance!
Honestly, it sounds like you already know his parents and already know their reasons. If someone has health issues, maybe anxiety, who knows what – that is a valid reason if they feel it is. I agree that the ceremony, the actually WATCHING YOU GET MARRIED is more important than the party.
Also not sure I follow the timeline – so you want them there at 1 but then again at 6, or just at 3? Do they live close by? And even if they do, those are some fair gaps where they may prefer to just go home and retire for the day. I really liked the idea of doing something another day with just them!
Post # 13
Breaking etiquette, no. But being childish yes.
Post # 14
applegirl80 : Is your mother going to be at the reception?
Honestly, I’d feel extremely hurt if my parents or my groom’s parents weren’t going to come to our wedding reception. However, I feel like there is a lot of missing info here so I’m not exactly sure what is going on. How does your fiance feel?
Post # 15
Thanks for your responses.
The issue with my mother was I had a miscarriage at the beginning of the year. Before I fell pregnan (wasn’t trying), my mother was interfering and nagging me about marriage, which is what I wanted (matrimony, not nagging) but didn’t appreciate her approach. I told her to back off (politely) which she’d promised to do. However when the M/c started happening (we didn’t know at the time but had gone to the hospital due to slight spotting), my Dear Fiance called my mother to tell her what was going on, as they did get on; all of a sudden she starts going for him about when are we going to get married (she is conservative like that) and it’s embarrassing that we are not engaged. He managed to steer the conversation to me, then she started bullying him again, and so to difuse her anger he was saying that he loves me etc and he is committed, and was trying to give an example of his cousin’s situation when she abruptly said “sling your hook” and hanged up. I heard the conversations. He told his parents and naturally they were appalled. I was angry as it was a grossly insensitive thing that she did. Weeks went by and she was blatantly trying to plant doubts in my mind that he is just using me, leading me up the garden path. When we got engaged my parents (mother and stepfather) received it very frostily, then my mother told me the most appalling lie about the conversation, which I told her I had heard but she dismissed. The lie was he told her “I want nothing to do with you, I can’t stand you. I only care about my baby, your daughter means nothing to me”. I did not speak to her for a few months. We have started speaking but we are not as close. It’s no excuse but she has had cancer for the 3rd time in amounts of years and is on powerful drugs, which are addling her brains. I also believe she is projecting her past bitterness on my relationship, my bio-father walked out when I was a baby (I’m 38) and I don’t think she’s ever got over that, despite having been remarried for 35 years.