- 9 years ago
- Wedding: May 2010
So I’m going to go on a long vent here. I feel emotionally like I’m losing my mind, even though my logical side – and all my close family/friends – say I’m not.
My parents are divorced (almost 20 yrs now) and are both remarried. They have a nice/cordiall relationship and talk to each other with no major issue, which is great for my brother and I. My mother and stepfather are awesome…I love them dearly and are so into this wedding its great. My dad however I feel is being manipulated by my step mother because 1) my step sister is getting married 3 weeks after us and 2) she wants to move (to where step sister is) now. It doesnt help that dad and I have always had a strained relationship – mostly because of other history and like some males he’d rather sweep under the carpet and forget about it.
Regardless, I want my dad part of my wedding. Maybe its because you have this dream of how things would be – even if just for one day. I have called him up over the summer (9-11mo from the wedding) and asked him to please be a part of this. What went from calm, collectiveness went to tears of course, but in the end the result was he wanted to be a part and he will. On a side note, our wedding was moved from mid-May to begining May…..step sisters is late May (which we almost chose) but did not know until this conversation – heck, I didnt know she was ENGAGED until this conversation! Please note that I have no issues with step sister whatsoever. What ruined in my mind the ‘good’ ending to a 4 hour conversation was his comment: “I’m glad you choose the beining of May….I’m not sure what would’ve happened if you choose the end of May. That would’ve been a hard decision to make between the two”.
Um……What? I would like to think it was a “yeah, since [step mother] would be in [state] and I would be on the cruise”….but it wasn’t. My heart dropped….and after 4 hours I didnt have it in me to ‘fight’ it. My “we found peace” ending to the conversation was shattered.
Fast forward a few months to November. I make the effort to engage them by offering dinner. The first time we get there and the “oh, [step mother] works late so may not be here” happens. Well, as much as I can do without her, she is my father’s wife and I will not be accused of not including her. Then he looks at my pile of stuff (fabric samples, pictures of cakes, the island location, ect) I get the “I hope you dont expect me to read that – I dont have my glasses” and laughs. Ah….ok. Stepmother shows up anyway and is less than thrilled to be there or engage in conversation. At the end of dinner I start to pull out some stuff – the ones that DONT require glasses – and we get the “[stepmother] is tired, so we’ll head out…lets do this another time”.
Not letting them get away (and thinking maybe I’m a bit sensitive….my brother – who was at dinner also – confirmed he felt the same way though) offered to make breakfast at our house a few days later. They agree.
During this breakfast we tried to bring up some casual mention of wedding stuff but there was no bite. Stepmother barely spoke and was not thrilled to be there. Dad was talkative as ever, and even intercepted a few questions I sent her direction. Please understand – she totally rules that roost, so its not like he’s dominating her. She has an opinion for everything (including her and her mother at thanksgiving making fun of me paying all my bills online…but I digress…).
So here it is – breakfast is done. We get ready to clean up and bring out wedding stuff and suddenly they need to go grocery shopping and leave now. Seriously?!?! They have nothing planned later that day (I know – I asked!) and dad is currently not working (workman’s comp). You need to go shopping NOW for a dinner in 5 days????
So I get the – nerve – to say “Ok…so when is good for you guys to talk about this wedding then? I know you’re off weekends….” [intentionally letting it trail for them to pick up the thought with a decent answer]. Their answer: After the holidays. Well good – at that point we’ll be 4 months away from the wedding. I couldnt think of a better time to get you two involved. Did I mention they still havent booked the cruise yet (money is not an issue) and our rooms are released Jan 2nd? They know this – he’s asked me 4 times.
There is also the promise of money which he failed on (for a deposit in Oct that he was all worried about, but then suddenly isnt mentioning – thank goodness I counted on him falling through) – but I dont even want to get into that. I am more upset that my father seems to be dodging our wedding for whatever reason. He’s also missed two other important events that my brother and I are involved in by saying he has to go over [stepmother]’s family BBQ or shopping at the mall (!!!).
I’ve already changed my invites so that “Together with their families” is there instead of the parents. It wouldve been too long anyway, but mostly I just didnt feel like father/stepmother deserved to be on it. As much as I want him there, I’m starting to realize that maybe he won’t. I know he’s my dad….he’s sporatically been there over the years….but if he can’t be there for my wedding, I’m thinking of relinguishing him to ‘casual – hello’ status.
Sorry for the long vent – but I needed to! I was hoping by writting it out I’d have some epiphany, but nothing happened 🙂