(Closed) Parental Problems

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I feel you HumarockBride. Things have been really off and on between me and my mom (a.k.a. the one with the credit card). At times I’ve felt like she’s challenging me on every single decision. She has very traditional/classic taste and mine is much more modern/whimsical.

A few things have helped us to navigate our differences–

1- Stop and think about where the other person is coming from. Why do they hold such a strong opinion about the subject? Often I find that our motivations aren’t too far off, my mom and I just think about things differently. This has helped us compromise on a number of issues.

2- Pick your battles. We’d be having a smaller wedding if it were up to me. But I want to share this day with my family and it’s really important to my mom to have a larger group. And ultimately I am really grateful that she’s throwing this party for us, as Fiance and are saving for a house and a family.

3- If either of us is getting too emotional about a topic, we agree to talk about it later. We’ve agreed there’s no use in getting so worked up, although we’re both prone to the tears. 🙂

Good luck!

Post # 4
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Re: the vendor issue–can you designate one of you to be the "point person" for particular vendors? And maybe claim the the people you love the most for yourself. That way you know how things are being conveyed.

Post # 5
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Although my parents very kindly paid for most of the wedding, Darling Husband and I made the majority of the decisions.  We would narrow things down to a few alternatives, then share those with my mom to get her opinion, and then select our final choices.  Where we felt strongly about something, we just showed her what we wanted.  In several cases the response was less than enthusiastic(!) Although it was upsetting at the time, I found the best approach was to wait a few days, and then bring it up again.  At which point my mom would usually say "So you’re still set on THAT idea."  And we would tell her that we were.

It helped a whole lot for both of us to work with her – she tends to be more easily critical with me, and better behaved around him (as could be expected).

There were some things that we really didn’t care as much about, and in those cases we factored in her opinions much more.  But – even though your parents are paying – it’s still your wedding, not your mom’s!  Compromise is going to be necessary, but in the end it needs to be a ceremony and party that you’re going to be happy with.

And as far as interfacing with vendors – it’s sort of a recipe for disaster to have multiple people giving them direction.  You should definately not let that happen.  Darling Husband and I met with all our vendors, and although we sometimes took my parents with us, we gave all the direction.  In most cases we actually wrote the deposit checks, although my mom generally wrote me a check to "pay us back."  That was it was clear to all the vendors who they needed to be interfacing with.  I would let your mom and dad know that while you’re happy for their help, they need to check with you before they communicate with the vendors – unless it’s in an area where you’re just going to turn it completely over to your parents and stay out of it altogether.

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