Post # 1
I hope this doesn’t come off too annoying but I just am asking for advice.
My parent are – graciously – paying for our wedding and therefore are a part of every decsion we are making. We are 100% onboard with them being a part of the decisions as they are the ones paying for it, but we am having a very hard time with it. My mother is making decision-making very difficult and my father has recently been slightly rude to a vendor that my fiance and I love. (An email he sent seemed a bit rude to me, whereas my father just thought he was ‘doing business.’) I know you want your vendors on your side from the start – so I just dont want this to cause a future problem as this is just the first vendor we booked!
Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this subject with them? Typically I have a great relationship with them – I speak to them daily and see them very often. But now whenever I am with them I am so easily aggitaed and just don’t want to talk about the wedding. (I will talk to anyone else though so I am still very excited for it!) It’s still over a year away so this isn’t going to be over anytime soon. I really just want to be able to relax and enjoy the planning. I know weddings make people crazy, but I am trying to alleviate it just a little! Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks everyone 🙂
Post # 3
I feel you HumarockBride. Things have been really off and on between me and my mom (a.k.a. the one with the credit card). At times I’ve felt like she’s challenging me on every single decision. She has very traditional/classic taste and mine is much more modern/whimsical.
A few things have helped us to navigate our differences–
1- Stop and think about where the other person is coming from. Why do they hold such a strong opinion about the subject? Often I find that our motivations aren’t too far off, my mom and I just think about things differently. This has helped us compromise on a number of issues.
2- Pick your battles. We’d be having a smaller wedding if it were up to me. But I want to share this day with my family and it’s really important to my mom to have a larger group. And ultimately I am really grateful that she’s throwing this party for us, as Fiance and are saving for a house and a family.
3- If either of us is getting too emotional about a topic, we agree to talk about it later. We’ve agreed there’s no use in getting so worked up, although we’re both prone to the tears. 🙂
Post # 4
Re: the vendor issue–can you designate one of you to be the "point person" for particular vendors? And maybe claim the the people you love the most for yourself. That way you know how things are being conveyed.
Post # 5
Although my parents very kindly paid for most of the wedding, Darling Husband and I made the majority of the decisions. We would narrow things down to a few alternatives, then share those with my mom to get her opinion, and then select our final choices. Where we felt strongly about something, we just showed her what we wanted. In several cases the response was less than enthusiastic(!) Although it was upsetting at the time, I found the best approach was to wait a few days, and then bring it up again. At which point my mom would usually say "So you’re still set on THAT idea." And we would tell her that we were.
It helped a whole lot for both of us to work with her – she tends to be more easily critical with me, and better behaved around him (as could be expected).
There were some things that we really didn’t care as much about, and in those cases we factored in her opinions much more. But – even though your parents are paying – it’s still your wedding, not your mom’s! Compromise is going to be necessary, but in the end it needs to be a ceremony and party that you’re going to be happy with.
And as far as interfacing with vendors – it’s sort of a recipe for disaster to have multiple people giving them direction. You should definately not let that happen. Darling Husband and I met with all our vendors, and although we sometimes took my parents with us, we gave all the direction. In most cases we actually wrote the deposit checks, although my mom generally wrote me a check to "pay us back." That was it was clear to all the vendors who they needed to be interfacing with. I would let your mom and dad know that while you’re happy for their help, they need to check with you before they communicate with the vendors – unless it’s in an area where you’re just going to turn it completely over to your parents and stay out of it altogether.
Post # 6
HannahT & Suzanno — Thank you SO much for your responses. (Sorry for my delay, I’m a day time (at work! ha) weddingbee reader.)
It was great to find out I am not alone. I agree with both of you on many of your suggestions now I just have to get it together and talk to my parents. Like you both said I just need to set some ground rules with them and really get things straight, and I think that is going to be the hardest part. I think/hope that once I tell them how stressed they are making me it will alleviate most of it – I’m just nervous to make that happen.
And I was unfortunately right about the email from my father to the vendor as the vendor wrote back and said that he (the vendor) feels as if he offended my dad – UGH – it’s time for me to intervene ASAP.
Again, thanks for listening!