(Closed) Parental Support

posted 5 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

DH’s mom (who is Chinese, so you would think she would be super pushy about grandkids) told us that she and my Father-In-Law will never push us to have kids. She said she felt intense pressure to have kids and when she did, to have two. Her Mother-In-Law (my FIL’s mom) even called her a communist because she didn’t want kids and wouldn’t have more when she had an oops. Maybe your mom just doesn’t want to put pressure on you.

If you aren’t looking to start trying for a year, her comment of “in a few years when you start trying” sounds kind of reasonable. Also, you literally just got married, she is probably still adjusting to that idea so when she said “you’ll be married, so it will be fine”, she was probably telling herself that more than you, kind of like “Oh my gosh, my baby is may have a baby…but she is married, so it will be OK.”

Try not to take it so personally, especially while you both are adjusting to your new roles in each others lives.

Post # 4
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You know, I’m kind of going through something similar. I can absolutely relate to what you’re feeling. I don’t know that I really have any advice for you, but do know that you’re not alone in this!

In my case, it has nothing to do with siblings or other grandchildren. I have one sister who’s five years younger than me, and she’s nowhere near ready for kids. But where the discrepancy comes in is that my dad makes no secret of the fact that he’s ready and waiting for grandbabies, and when friends and family ask my mom, she’ll agree that she’s ready too.

But then a couple of weeks ago, I hinted to my mom that we’d like to start trying for a baby soon (DH is 29, I’m 28). She didn’t say anything, but she just made a face at me. You know when your parents are disappointed in you, and they give you that look like, “Really?! Did you really just say/do that?” It was that same sort of look.

I tried let it go for a couple hours, but it was really eating at me. My mom and I are really close, so I was SO SAD that she wasn’t on the same page as me. So I called her out on “the face” and asked her what that was all about.

Her answer was, “One thing at a time.” Now, I completely get where she’s coming from. What she was referring to was the fact that, at the time, Darling Husband and I were in the process of buying our first house (we just closed last week). And to some degree she’s right. There are lots of new responsibilites that come with buying a house, and lots of others that come with having a baby. BUT, I am 28 years old, I’m financially stable, I’m a smart woman. Don’t you THINK Darling Husband and I have talked about this? Don’t you THINK we’ll be able to decide for ourselves whether we’re ready to start trying soon after buying a house?

I know she has our best interest at heart, and she’s just looking out for me/us. But, ugh. It still bums me out. I want her to be my biggest cheerleader! I’m sure once we’re ACTUALLY pregnant that she’ll be thrilled. But I have this nagging fear now that when we do have baby news to share, her reaction is going to be lukewarm at best because it hasn’t been “enough time” — according to her standards — since we’ve moved.

Post # 5
Member
7652 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I tell my mom that the “are you planning on having kids soon?” question keeps popping up at work and church, and I kind of expected her to be excited at the thought of grandkids, but she is very neutral. She always says that “you have time.” It kind of make me upset that she says this because she was my age when she started trying and becuase of endometriosis, it took her 5 years.

I don’t know if she just isn’t ready to be a grandma or what. One day I asked her if she is even going to be excited and she said of course she is.

Until it happens, I wouldn’t take her reaction too seriously. If she gets excited over your sister-in-laws second child, I am sure she will be excited about your first. I think, like my mom, it is just hard for her to get excited about something that hasn’t happened.

Post # 7
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

My mom was never excited about us entering into any new phase in our lives. She saw every new step as “complicating our lives.” This includes dating my now Darling Husband, moving in together, getting engaged/married and having kids.

 

Her exact words on the kids subject were “the world is too scary to bring any more people into it. Just enjoy being married and don’t complicate your lives with children. You don’t know how good you have it now until you have children and can’t go back. (um…thanks mom?)

 

Well, I’m 14 weeks pregnant, and she is the happiest future grandma in the world. She calls and emails me everyday to see how “mommy and baby” are doing. She already has a place for a crib in their condo, she couldn’t wait to tell her friends and our family about our news.

 

So in short, don’t worry about it. Do what’s right for you and your Darling Husband, and your mom will come around. I promise!

 

Post # 8
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@ExcitedScaredBee:  Ahh, that makes me so happy! So happy for you, and so happy for hopefully me in the future, haha… Congratulations on your pregnancy  🙂 

Post # 9
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have had similar issues with my Mom; she is a very career oriented woman and always goes on about how she wants me to focus on my career and make a place for myself in the world so that I will never have to depend on anyone to support me. She dropped out of nursing school to marry my Dad when she was 21 and has struggled the rest of her life to stay afloat after her divorce from my Dad. I think she just doesn’t want me to ever have to feel the way she has for most of her adult life.

 

Now, I am 27 and Darling Husband is 30 and we both have stable jobs, own our own home as well as a rental property, and are very responsible when managing our money. Additionally, I just completed my Masters degree – so we feel like now is the perfect time for us to start a family. Which is great, because we are expecting! However, as excited as I was when we found out, I was scared to death to tell my Mom. She has made several comments over the last few years about how we should wait to have kids and sort of threw a fit when other people suggested grandbabies at my bridal shower.

 

We waited until 10 weeks to tell her and her reaction was not what I had expected. While she seemed very indifferent at first…she is now completely smitten with my unborn child. She emails me to tell me about all the things she wants to get for baby and seems genuinely excited to be a grandma.

 

So for what it’s worth, I honestly think that your Mom will surprise you when the time comes. It may not seem like it at first, but I think she will really be excited and won’t seem so lukewarm about it. I do totally understand where you are coming from though!!

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