Post # 16
I love how “just adopt” always seems to be the go to answer for people. It’s never that easy, as you pointed out.
I think there are tons of ways you can be involved and nurture a child. You could foster an older child or become big brother or Sisters. if you have nieces or nephews, or friends with kids you can be very active in their lives. Aunt and uncles can becone second parents so easily. being child free does NOT mean you are really child free. There are a lot of options for you to love a child.
I really am so sorry you are dealing with this. You are definitely making the most practical medical decision but that doesn’t make it easier. Best wishes to you.
Post # 17
My heart goes out to you! I’m not yet in your situation but I could be in a couple years so I’m working as hard as I can to avoid it. My situation is less serious than your though. I have fibromyalgia, hypermobile joint disorder and a genetic condition that makes me really tired. I am also recovering from a hip/lower back injury. I will be difficult for me to have kids and I have a ways to go before it will even be feasible. I am doing everything I can and tbh it is looking promising but for years it seemed really unlikely. When I was at my lowest points of being afraid about the future I found comfort in believing that if it ends up being impossible than maybe my story isn’t about that. Maybe I have a different but equally amazing story to live out. I don’t know if that helps. *Hugs*
Post # 18
A very big hug!
I imagine that in some respects this is like a bereavement, and you will need time to grieve. It sounds like you have made the only decision you could have given the circumstances, and you have been very brave in confronting it.
It isn’t the same I know, but I hope you have or find children amongst your circle you can be that very special “auntie” to, and that other things in your life will absorb and reward you as times heals the wound.
Wishing you and your husband the best with your health and your future together.
Post # 19
+1. I was going to suggest Big Brothers/Big Sisters as well! Having ongoing, personal relationships with children who need it would probably be enriching for both you and the child(ren).
Post # 20
I am sorry, I know this is a difficult decision to come to grips with…I give you SO much credit because you are thinking of someone besides yourselves…I think often people say “I want a child” and they don’t think of how they will care for it, or the life the child will have….I am in my 40s and we have decided no kids…when I was younger, there was nothing I wanted more than to have a family; however, when I hit 40, we had a conversation about what life would be like, we did timelines, etc and decided it really wasn’t in anyone’s best interest for us to have kids…I will say this – at the time, I was sad; however, we have focused on OUR lives as a couple and all the things we can and WILL be able to do because we WON’T have kids…as time has passed, not only am I at peace with the decision, I am thankful and truly in my heart know it is the RIGHT decision. Try to focus on what you and have and take advantage of opportunities you might not have had if you had kids…whether it is traveling, activities, etc….hang in there!
Post # 21
- Wedding: December 2014 - Catal Restaurant
when i was in high school i did a paper on my cousin for health class. He suffers from sickle cell anemia. When i asked him what was the hardest part of having sickle cell, he told me “It’s not the times i have had to take 30 pills a day, or missing out on normal childhood moments because i had to be in the hospital, or the excruciating pain i am in during my pain crisis, or the fact that i have been told that i wont live past 30. The hardest part is never being able to have kids because i am so afraid that they will end up living this life i have lived.”
Do not feel alone. There are millions of people out there who have made the same tough decision. *Hugs*
Post # 22
I’m so sorry. My friends went through this – there was no reason they couldn’t conceive or carry a child, but health issues led them to the tough decision not to have children.
They really struggled with it and also found a lack of support for couples in their situation. Their attitude has been amazing and they’ve taken advantage of all of the opportunities open to them – they’ve lived in three different countries, have an active social life, volunteer at soup kitchens and foster facilities, and have now adopted two gorgeous doggies. Yes, they’re disappointed not to have children, but their lives are just as meaningful. In fact, people are envious of their freedom and positive attitude.
I hope you can find some peace with your situation x
Post # 23
I mostly just lurk here but felt compelled to sign in and comment here. I don’t have any advice for you, and just as you and Swizzle said earlier adoption isn’t as easy as it sounds. I am frustrated with all of the responses who so flippantly suggested it.
My heart is with you. This is a very big and brave decision to make and you will be a better person for it. I hope that you and your husband stay safe and healthy and happy. This was probably one of the hardest decisiona you have to make in life and I hope you guys hold each tight for the rest of yor life. I am shedding a tear for you as I type and feeling very heartfelt and proud of you. I hope you find peace and contentment in life.
Post # 24
OP, I’m kind of hanging out in this situation as well. I’ve had medical issues in the past that have interfered with pregnancies, and so they didn’t work out for us. It’s really hard to deal with, especially when it’s kind of a taboo topic in regular every day life.
In my case I’m also hypo-thyroid, but on the other side, my husband has severe anxiety, and he is now terrified of passing his mental illness onto another person of late, and is not interested in children at all at this time. I kind of feel like i’m stuck waiting for him to be ready. I can’t force it, and I agree it would be foolhardy to ask him to embark on that journey with me when he’s less than fit to take care of himself right now.
But then, when we do become ready, I worry about my body continuing to be an inhospitable environment for bio-children because of my heart issue and hypo-thyroidism. No one quite understands this position, and how hard it is. It’s psychologically taxing. Like, bad. My biological clock is kind of sputtering right now, and I’m going through periods of “I want to have a baby,” and “eww, babies.” The latter being a defense mechanism, most definitely. “Standoffishness” to babies is one of the only things I can cling to that lessens the pain of loss, and dulls the ache I feel inside on a daily basis.
While I have been building resources for looking into fostering kids, it does not remove the grief process involved for your own health, and your inability / very reasonable and well thought out unwillingness to accomplish biological parenthood. It’s a long, complicated process, but I hope you get to the other side of it having become a better, stronger, more formidable person. When you figure out how to do that, please let me know, because I could use the advice too.
Post # 25
- Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club
I apologize. Sounds really tough. My husband and i have had this talk prior to marriage. I am taking much needed psychiatric meds to function, plus new meds due to a recent medical hospitalizaton due to a mini stroke. My gyno also shared potential difficulty with fertility due to releasing eggs prematurely and having a period almost twice a month. I thank god my husband and family have been supportive. I did feel for a while like less of a woman because of this BUT i feel like a stronger person because of the support and what we can build here on.
we both are public service workers and have talked about adoption; or even get loads of pets because we LOVE animals (got our doggy, hamster and hedgehog). we hope one day we can work all this out and attempt to have a kiddo, but we do want to keep my health safe to be able to provide well for our potential child
takes a strong woman to male decisions like yours. you are strong. massive hug
Post # 26
I agree with Swizzle. I feel like the people saying “just adopt” (as if that’s easy or cheap to do) weren’t even listening to you. It sounds like it’s not just about birthing a child, but having the physical strength and resilience to raise one.
You are allowed to mourn the loss of the family you imagined. Give yourself time to feel that grief. Eventually, you will be able to do exactly as ct2015 said, and start thinking about what you ARE able to do as a result of not having children. And there will be many, many of those wonderful things. Sending so many hugs.
Post # 27
l’m sorry you are going through this, I’m in a similar situation. I am not sure if I want kids yet, but i have recently been upset at the possibility that I might not get to choose. I have bipolar disorder and it’s extremely well managed and I am able to keep up a great career and a lot of hobbies etc. I might not be able to have kids because I would have to change medications and hope that something safe for pregnancy actually works…but the biggest thing for me would be lack of sleep. I literally cannot just wake up every hour or two to take care of a newborn. lack of sleep like that would destroy me and I’d end up in the hospital, regardless of medication. I’ve talked through his with Fiance and we still have yet to make a firm decision, but if we do try for kids, it will need to be planned out far in advance and we’ve agreed we will need to have a live in nanny until the kid is in school.
although my Fiance has said he would like to have a child eventually, he said his bigger priority is for me to be healthy and happy and if that means no kids, that’s ok.
again, I am sorry you have to go through this, it’s really tough. I recently got quite sad about it.. A friend who had fibroids and was/is overly dramatic about it just had a baby and she’s really gone over the top with her woe is me, saying to all of us ladies ” oh you are so lucky you can just have kids and you don’t need to worry about it. You don’t know how lucky you are!” AS SHE IS HOLDING HER BABY lol. I just don’t say anything, but it hurts and it’s not easily talked about because it’s not infertility etc…you can’t just say, oh I might not be able to have kids because I have a mental illness! I wish I could 🙂
Post # 28
I’ve just woken up (I’m in the UK) and have been totally blown away by your responses. Who knew that a forum could be such a kind, supportive place 😊 I shed a tear for all the hugs, all the people who have been through the same thing, for all those who understand how complicated this is. I would love to adopt or foster, I spent many hours looking into it but it would be too problematic due to the system itself but also due to our own limitations.
Thank you so much for those who shared their health problems, it’s not easy talking about these things but I really appreciate you taking the time to explain what you’re going through as well. I return your heartfelt words with hugs and prayers of peace and comfort.
I really feel a lot less alone and a lot more positive about the future, especially after hearing about couples who have gone on to enjoy a happy life without children. Thank you again lovely bees!
Post # 29
I am sorry to hear of your difficult situation. Many hugs to you, Bee.
Post # 30
OK, so I’m also UK. I don’t know all of the ins and outs of adoption here, but a close friend’s mother did succeed in adopting a child. She also had a lot of things going against her in terms of meeting the adoption criteria… her religion and her health (she also had both mental and physical health problems) were just two of them.
She was refused permission to adopt, like you, but she did succeed in fostering special needs children. One child ended up staying with her for many years. Eventually, she did receive permission to adopt this child. I think this was the third attempt? What swung it for her was the length of time she had been looking after the child for (the child was settled there, and considered her its Mum) and the fact that nobody else wanted to adopt a child with complex special needs.
Could you possibly look into fostering?