(Closed) Parenthood isn't really possible for us, I need hug!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

A lot of references here to adoption. I have experience adopting despite chronic medical issues and depression, so I would like to share my experience with that. Adoption seemed like a huge mountain to climb.

Check out a site called Through the Looking Glass for tips on how parents with disabilities care for children.

Private, domestic adoption of an infant can be extremely difficult. Usually, birth mother gets to select among a number of families, and while she cannot be “paid” for the baby, she can accept payment for living expenses while pregnant. No guarantee she will not change her mind after taking money. There is some type of tax credit for adoption expenses, however.

Foreign adoption — I was told the foreign country gets to set the rules and they do not have to abide by the Americans with Disabilities Act. The agency said my medical issues would be a barrier. Again, a lot of money for this type of adoption. What was really disheartening was that even when I looked into an agency that finds homes for infants/kids from other countries who have a variety of medical issues  – I was told no. That was a real low point where I thought it would be impossible.

I finally tried foster care with a lot pf trepidation. Already struggling physically and emotionally, I did not know if I could handle a child who had behavioral/emotional problems. I was warned by my own caretakers that the children might be difficult. My medical and pscyh docs had to fill out reports for the foster care system saying they thought I could handle it.

I viewed foster care as a test. If I could prove I could do it, maybe I could go back to one of the adoption agencies that turned me down. Well, my story could not have turned out better. The little girls they sent me were so wonderful that I realized I wanted to adopt right through foster care. One girl became available for adoption and it has been a great experience being her mom. She is now a teenager.

Although my experience has been great, I also want you to be aware that there can be problems. Although my child has been relatively easy to raise, many former foster kids have problems that will make parenting very challenging at times. You do have to decide if you are up to that.

Infants are available to foster, but as you said, an infant will disrupt your sleep. In all honesty, even an older child could disrupt your sleep. Just the fact that I had to get up to get the child on the school bus caused problems. I had to get up earlier than before, which may sound like nothing to people who aren’t struggling with insomnia and anxiety. But for me, since I often wake up in the night and have difficulty falling back to sleep, it did lead to a sleep deprivation issue fairly quickly.

You have to decide, and maybe you already have, whether the possibility of your having a psychotic episode would put the child at risk of being negected. No offense intended, I do not know much about your condition, but if there is a risk that you cannot care properly for the child, then you are extremely wise to make the difficult decision to not have children. Nothing could be worse than having authorities take your child away.

Hope some of this is helpful.

Post # 32
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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Tisa85:  There is lots of love on this board for you! Come on back when you need more support down the road. We’ll be waiting with open arms. 

Post # 34
2412 posts
Buzzing bee

I was hesitant to mention adoption, but since you appear to be somewhat open to it, please continue to do the research. 

Families can be formed in lots of wonderful, non-traditional ways……

Post # 35
209 posts
Helper bee

We’re facing a similar thing, because I had breast cancer I’m going to be on medication that stops me producing oestrogen until I’m nearly 40. I have been offered counselling but I decided not to go ahead with it just yet, is this something you could look into? 

Post # 37
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

You could do some “extreme baby-sitting”! I am not being funny, many people occasionally need someone to leave their kids with, for a weekend, or even a week.

It would give you a taste of what 24 hour parenting is like, with the bonus of it ending, that actual parents don’t have. And would like to, once in awhile.

Post # 38
9538 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
Tisa85:  I’m so sorry that you’re goig through this! I’m sure it was an incredibly difficult decision to come to, but it’s so courageous to make the choice that is best for you and your husband. I think many people make irresppnsible decisinos to bring a child into this world that they can’t care for and it really is a shame. 

I definitely think you can have a wonderful and fulfilling life without having your own children. There’s so much more to life than being a parent. And there are so many ways to have a connection with a child without being a parent. Do they have Big Brothers/Big Sisters in the UK? or something similar? I also think it’s great to build relationships with your nieces/nephews and friend’s children. Aunts and uncles can be a huge part of a kids life. And, for friends, so often, in this day and age, people move away from their family and don’t have support raising their kids. I’m sure tons of your friends would so appreciate help with childcare. it can take some doing to convince parents that you really want to help because they don’t want to be demanding. I offered to take my best friend’s kids for a weekend for a solid 2 years before they finally took me up on it but it went wonderfully!

I truly think you’ll be able to find a way to incorporate kids into your life and continue to have a awesome life outside of children, as well. It may not be easy, but neither is parenting. Every life has its pros and cons. You just have to figure out how your life works for you. 

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