(Closed) Parenting a non-biological child

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee

If you used a donor but YOU gave birth to them, would you feel the same way?

By the title, I thought this was going to be a thread where someone’s Fiance had a kid from a previous relationship, but I guess not! If you are their parent, and raise them from Day 1, I don’t see why you’d look at the child as though it was someone else’s?

Yes, as soon as your kids are old enough to realize that one of you is not biologically the dad, they might ask. But I have friends who were adopted (which is different, I know) who don’t want to meet their bio-parents. Some donors will not allow you to contact them, some will, I guess if you were really worried about it you could pick a donor who doesn’t allow contact, but I really don’t think someone who donated, but was absent the first 18 years of the kid’s life is going to in any way replace you… Maybe you and your Fiance could talk to a counselor about this if it’s really bothering you?

Post # 3
Member
4414 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

The people who raise a child are the parents. Biology has so little to do with it. Those who put in the time and the love toward the act of Parenting are the ones who will have the closest relationship with the child. My whole extended family has very little biological relation, there are step-parents and adopted kids, but there is no question of us being a family because that is what we have decided to be and worked toward. 

Post # 4
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

If you love and raise a child, you will love one another no matter what. The child will likely want to meet the donor but that will feel no different to your wife.

Your fears of your feelings are completely valid but you will find a way to get through the situation, together, should it arise.

Post # 7
Member
309 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
cb191:  You have contradicted yourself between your first post and your last post.  How can it be an anonymous donor if the child(ren) can meet the donor?

With that aside – if you go into this with a full heart and knowing you want the child as your own, it will be your own. You are not a step parent, you are the parent.  A child can have 2 moms, 2 dads, it doesn’t matter.  A family is a family. Don’t get caught up on titles.  My friends call their kids mom and momma  or madre to distinguish which mom is which mom. I don’t think kids will love one mom more than the other because of biology.  Don’t let yourself think of yourself as 2nd mom, get out of that mindset now, please. Love is love.

Post # 9
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Although I can’t share how it feels from the parent side, I am an adoptee from a closed (infant) adoption.

My parents have raised me since I was a month old, and I wholeheartedly consider them my parents.  They were the ones that raised me, paid for everything, and loved me unconditionally.  If anything, sometimes I feel even more loved knowing just how WANTED I am.

I do desire to meet my bio-parents and have been searching for a year or two, with no success.  Understand that if your child asks about the donor, it isn’t because they don’t love you or see you as thier “real parent.”  For me, it’s like thers a whole other part of me that I know nothing about and I would love to fill in those gaps.  But like I said, even if I meet them they didn’t raise me or love me the way my parents did!

Post # 10
Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I did a couple of donor egg IVF cycles, it never worked for me .  But one of the requirements was that we meet with a counselor experienced in assisted reproduction. It’s helpful to talk through the options ahead of time so that you can come to an agreement.

Good luck. 

Post # 11
Member
309 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
cb191:  Ok, that makes more sense. I think that is a much smarter/wiser/less complicated way to do it. Just make sure you protect youself and your parenting rights.  IMO this child is as much yours as the bio moms.  If in 10 years, you divorce, this is still your child and every right/responsibility, etc. goes with it. (sorry to be a Debbie Downer).

Post # 13
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 10, 2016

View original reply
cb191:  Have you talked to your Fiance about your concerns with this? My partner and I (also lesbians) have talked about a lot of different options for children, and we haven’t decided yet what we want to do. I think it’s more than okay to know that you want children and not be sure yet what path you want to take. 

I do understand the fear of being the non-biological parent– I worry about this too in regards to the idea of my Fiance becoming pregnant (I know for a fact that I don’t want to be pregnant). That said, I have a stepfather who is 1000% my father, much more so than my bio dad. He is my parent every bit as much as my mother is. I am sure that your children would never consider you “less” of their mother than your partner– they would know and love you as their mother every bit as much.

Post # 14
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee

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cb191:  Your second post worries me.. you think that a child who has been raised by you their whole life is going to forget all of that because ‘oh look that’s my sperm donor?’ no. Or that if they did get close to them, that would ‘break your bond’? I really suggest taking time to speak with a counselor about this, you seem very insecure about being the non-bio parent- likening yourself to a step-parent, which isn’t what you would be!

Post # 15
Member
769 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Saint Domingue

View original reply
cb191:  Valid fears until you hold and love and grow to love your child/ren more and more.  I come from a step family and am now RAISING a step family in which it is much, much more difficult to form those bonds, but my step dad IS my dad and my fiancé considers himself a dad to my children.  

You’ll be more than fine.  

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