(Closed) Parents and Friend Unhappily Ever After.. I don’t know what to do or say anymore

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Aww, so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I obviously do not know your parents but their reactions sounds waaay over the top, do they normally react this emotionally to different situations?

You know, something that keeps coming up here on the boards are parents freaking out when their kids start making wedding plans. It’s almost like the parents are all for marriage in theory but when it becomes reality and the wedding gets closer they turn into emotional wrecks, often behaving really agressive and unreasonable. It could be for a number of reasons, maybe they had visions of how the whole process would work and when that didn’t happen they were disappointed, maybe they want to be more involved or maybe they can’t bear the thought of ‘losing’ you….I’m not taking their side, it just seems that children getting married is a massive milestone for parents and something that can be very hard to deal with.

You’re definitely not wrong in wanting your nearest and dearest to share in your happiness, stick to your gut feeling and be strong, you’ll get through this.

Good luck!

Post # 4
5887 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

i would sit them both down and say, “look, i love you both, i am getting married to the man i love, and this is happening with or without you. i’d love your support with this, but if not, we are done trying to mend this by ourselves.  it is a two way street and if you cannot get over the past, you are going to miss out on a lot.”

Post # 5
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Whoa….your parents are being unreasonable. It sounds like “tradition” is really important to them, but you are an adult. I think you definitely need to sit down and have a conversation with them and explain that, though you love them, this is your life, your marriage, and your wedding. Hopefully you can work things out with them :-(. I know it must be hard not having them share your joy.

Whatever happens with your parents, make sure you spend time with some people who DO share your joy so you feel less alone in the process. A marriage is a thing to be celebrated and hopefully you have people in your life who will still want to celebrate with you.

Also, I don’t know if this is an issue or not, but perhaps plan on paying for your wedding yourself (if you’re not already). I’ve read a lot of horror stories from brides whose parents try to control the wedding (especially when it comes to insisting on “tradition”), so it might help to avoid that

Post # 6
7294 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i totally sympathize. its not fair that they are treating you like that.  i had a similar, but i guess less severe, experience with my father.  when i got engaged, i called my parents. my mom didn’t believe me at first! which was ok, i had been waiting to surprise her and never told her that we looked at rings a year prior.  but then my mom tells my dad and i could hear him in the background and all he said was “without asking my permission”.   my mom then put him on the phone with  me and he just said hello. no congratulations and no nothing!  it was awkward silence and then i got back on the phone with my mom and started to cry.  i was surprised at myself for crying because i have other issues with my dad, so i didn’t think his reaction would bother me so much.  and i also have the same experience before engagement where my dad treated my Fiance like part of the family,  since then my dad likes to go in denial so he is not overtly saying anything like your parents have been.  

so basically i totally get how you feel and i don’t think it is right. we are long past the time of women being sold off to their husbands with a dowry i think it was called. it is your life, your decision. i really don’t get the Fiance having to ask the fathers permission. that is just so old fashioned and outdated.  as if i would let that have any bearing on whether i accepted a proposal!

it does suck and i think the best for you to deal is to refrain from talking about the wedding too much with your mom, so she can’t put down your every idea. i wonder if she is acting this way as a reaction to your father and she doesn’t know how to deal. it doesn’t make it any more right for her to treat you this way though.

Post # 7
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Wow!  I am sorry.  It’s strange I think, that some parents expect to have the groom to be ask the parents these days. I got married almost 30 years ago-and I don’t recall anyone that I know of having their Fiance ask her father for permission prior to engagement.  I’m sorry that they are acting like that.  Is this beyond a “tradition”?  Is this cultural?

Post # 8
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Wow, it sounds like your parents are being really unreasonable. It’s not the 1800s anymore. Women aren’t property to be tranferred from one man to another.

I think your parents need some tough love. Sit them down (or if you think that will only lead to a screaming match, send them a letter) and calmly explain to them that you are getting married to the man you love. You hope that they can be happy, supportive, and involved in this major event in your life. If they feel they can’t do that, then tell them that they can’t be part of this experience. It would be horrible if they decided not to be there for you, but I think you need to stand firm with this. And that goes for anyone who isn’t supportive, or is second-guessing your decisions. Be calm, but firm.

As far as your friend with the sick father, I’m sure that she’d still be willing to listen to your problems and be a good friend. If anything, she might be hurt if you kept her out of the loop just because of what she’s going through. She might also appreciate a distraction from what she’s having to deal with.

Sorry that you’re having to go through this, but stay strong!

Post # 9
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Your parents are being kind of unreasonable. It always bothers me when people choose to be sticklers only for certain traditions. Your father wanted your Fiance to ask his permission before planning your proposal but was your father planning on paying for your wedding? That’s tradition too…just saying.

The best thing you can do is sit them down and let them know that you value them and want them to be a part of your day but the additional stress they are putting on you has got to go. The proposal is over and done with and it’s a new day….no need to hod a grudge forever. 

Post # 11
1268 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Is there a cultural, or ethnic diversity between you and your Fiance.  It seems like a hidden agenda is in play.

The topic ‘Parents and Friend Unhappily Ever After.. I don’t know what to do or say anymore’ is closed to new replies.

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