(Closed) Parents and Friend Unhappily Ever After.. I don’t know what to do or say anymore

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hi All,

I’m new to the hive and I really need advice.

My parents are driving me nuts. I have been with my fiance for 4 yrs and my parents have always seemed to treat him like part of the family..until he proposed that is. Then he became an enemy of the state.

It all started with him planning the proposal and trying to include them as part of the occasion, as he thought that they might share our excitement and joy. Oh boy was he wrong. My dad was so angry with him and accused him of being disrespectful, not asking him for permission to marry his daughter before planning the proposal, and tells my fiance that he was gonna hire a PI to check on his background!! And dad then gets mom to send me countless nasty smses which ends with how disappointed they are with me for having no self worth, practically being so desperate to be married off that I would let a guy just go ahead and propose to me without making sure he asked my dad for my hand in marriage.

Sigh. And all this even before I knew he was gonna propose. So ya I was plenty upset, they really sucked all the joy out of what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives. They insisted that they wanted to meet with his parents and talk to them (since we are kids with no idea of anything). We are both 28 by the way.My Future In-Laws were very understanding of the whole situation and agreed to meet up with them for a dinner, but the dinner basically was just my dad doing all the talking, and my fiance trying to reason with him to no avail.

Anyway, my fiance and I decided to go on with the wedding, hoping that my parents would come around and maybe be able to accept it in time.Then, about a month after,we were over at my parents place for dinner, trying to act like all was back to normal when my mom sees my engagement ring, and her reaction was “oh, thats big”. And for the rest of the dinner, we eat in stony silence.

So we were still trying to make nice with them, went back about 3 wks ago, when my mom started ranting about how I CANNOT use white flowers at the wedding as it is against tradition, although I have never mentioned anything about any flowers, and from that she goes on to say that my fiance has a lot of nerve coming to their house and not even trying to be part of the conversations after all that has happened.Then she goes on to say that I will regret for the rest of my life because I cannot see how I am marrying a guy who has no respect for our family and hence will never appreciate me or treat me right. I’m not even asking them for a dollar for all the wedding expenses. Everything is being paid my Future In-Laws,my fiance and I. And yet, every step of the way, my parents are complaining about the everything we choose to do with their now standard reply “We never did any of that for our wedding.”And that was when I really lost it.  I just couldn’t take it anymore. We got into a screaming match, and I told her all I’ve ever wanted was for my parents to be supportive and happy for me. I left the house in tears and haven’t went back since.

And while all this is happening, my best friend’s dad got admitted to hospital and the docs don’t know what is wrong with him until now, so I can’t tell her what is going on with me either, coz I don’t want her to worry anymore that she already is.In addition, another close friend (who i was planning to ask to be a bridesmaid) got really upset when I told her that I was getting married, coz she has been having some problems with her bf. So everytime I tell her about something about the wedding, she keeps telling me I made the wrong decision. I.e. after I sign up for a florist and paid a deposit, the very next day she tells me, that there are so many better florist out there, and proceeds to send me a list of florists which cost double or triple. And I try explaining to her we are working with a really tight budget, but she just doesn’t want to listen. 

I feel really lost and guilty and just so terribly sad and I don’t know how to proceed from here.Am I wrong to want my parents and close friends to share in our joy? Am I asking too much of them? Have I done something wrong that warrants such unhappiness from the people I love most? 

Please help. 🙁

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Post # 3
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Aww, so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I obviously do not know your parents but their reactions sounds waaay over the top, do they normally react this emotionally to different situations?

You know, something that keeps coming up here on the boards are parents freaking out when their kids start making wedding plans. It’s almost like the parents are all for marriage in theory but when it becomes reality and the wedding gets closer they turn into emotional wrecks, often behaving really agressive and unreasonable. It could be for a number of reasons, maybe they had visions of how the whole process would work and when that didn’t happen they were disappointed, maybe they want to be more involved or maybe they can’t bear the thought of ‘losing’ you….I’m not taking their side, it just seems that children getting married is a massive milestone for parents and something that can be very hard to deal with.

You’re definitely not wrong in wanting your nearest and dearest to share in your happiness, stick to your gut feeling and be strong, you’ll get through this.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
5887 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

i would sit them both down and say, “look, i love you both, i am getting married to the man i love, and this is happening with or without you. i’d love your support with this, but if not, we are done trying to mend this by ourselves.  it is a two way street and if you cannot get over the past, you are going to miss out on a lot.”

Post # 5
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Whoa….your parents are being unreasonable. It sounds like “tradition” is really important to them, but you are an adult. I think you definitely need to sit down and have a conversation with them and explain that, though you love them, this is your life, your marriage, and your wedding. Hopefully you can work things out with them :-(. I know it must be hard not having them share your joy.

Whatever happens with your parents, make sure you spend time with some people who DO share your joy so you feel less alone in the process. A marriage is a thing to be celebrated and hopefully you have people in your life who will still want to celebrate with you.

Also, I don’t know if this is an issue or not, but perhaps plan on paying for your wedding yourself (if you’re not already). I’ve read a lot of horror stories from brides whose parents try to control the wedding (especially when it comes to insisting on “tradition”), so it might help to avoid that

Post # 6
Member
7294 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i totally sympathize. its not fair that they are treating you like that.  i had a similar, but i guess less severe, experience with my father.  when i got engaged, i called my parents. my mom didn’t believe me at first! which was ok, i had been waiting to surprise her and never told her that we looked at rings a year prior.  but then my mom tells my dad and i could hear him in the background and all he said was “without asking my permission”.   my mom then put him on the phone with  me and he just said hello. no congratulations and no nothing!  it was awkward silence and then i got back on the phone with my mom and started to cry.  i was surprised at myself for crying because i have other issues with my dad, so i didn’t think his reaction would bother me so much.  and i also have the same experience before engagement where my dad treated my Fiance like part of the family,  since then my dad likes to go in denial so he is not overtly saying anything like your parents have been.  

so basically i totally get how you feel and i don’t think it is right. we are long past the time of women being sold off to their husbands with a dowry i think it was called. it is your life, your decision. i really don’t get the Fiance having to ask the fathers permission. that is just so old fashioned and outdated.  as if i would let that have any bearing on whether i accepted a proposal!

it does suck and i think the best for you to deal is to refrain from talking about the wedding too much with your mom, so she can’t put down your every idea. i wonder if she is acting this way as a reaction to your father and she doesn’t know how to deal. it doesn’t make it any more right for her to treat you this way though.

Post # 7
Member
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Wow!  I am sorry.  It’s strange I think, that some parents expect to have the groom to be ask the parents these days. I got married almost 30 years ago-and I don’t recall anyone that I know of having their Fiance ask her father for permission prior to engagement.  I’m sorry that they are acting like that.  Is this beyond a “tradition”?  Is this cultural?

Post # 8
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Wow, it sounds like your parents are being really unreasonable. It’s not the 1800s anymore. Women aren’t property to be tranferred from one man to another.

I think your parents need some tough love. Sit them down (or if you think that will only lead to a screaming match, send them a letter) and calmly explain to them that you are getting married to the man you love. You hope that they can be happy, supportive, and involved in this major event in your life. If they feel they can’t do that, then tell them that they can’t be part of this experience. It would be horrible if they decided not to be there for you, but I think you need to stand firm with this. And that goes for anyone who isn’t supportive, or is second-guessing your decisions. Be calm, but firm.

As far as your friend with the sick father, I’m sure that she’d still be willing to listen to your problems and be a good friend. If anything, she might be hurt if you kept her out of the loop just because of what she’s going through. She might also appreciate a distraction from what she’s having to deal with.

Sorry that you’re having to go through this, but stay strong!

Post # 9
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Your parents are being kind of unreasonable. It always bothers me when people choose to be sticklers only for certain traditions. Your father wanted your Fiance to ask his permission before planning your proposal but was your father planning on paying for your wedding? That’s tradition too…just saying.

The best thing you can do is sit them down and let them know that you value them and want them to be a part of your day but the additional stress they are putting on you has got to go. The proposal is over and done with and it’s a new day….no need to hod a grudge forever. 

Post # 10
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m so glad to have found WeddingBee.  

View original reply
@The Unsuspecting Bride: And ya, you really hit the bulls eye when you said ‘parents are all for marriage in theory’  coz my mom was constantly asking us when we were getting married before (talk about no pressure) since we’re not getting any younger and ‘living in sin’.. but now that her wish comes true, she’s acting like i’m lucifer’s bride!! But I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you are right, and that they can’t bear the thought of ‘losing’ me, and hopefully they will come around soon, and see that I will always be their daughter, and will always have a place for them in my heart.

@Ms. Meowerson & @McVerde:That was what we were trying to do 3 wks ago when I went home and mom started to rant. But they did nothing but scream. And no one can get a word in with dad, and mom just cries everytime she can’t get her way! I think you make a good point, and I should just send them an email, since no face to face conversation is going to work at this point.

View original reply
@dynamic_duo: Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it really helped as I thought I was the only one out there getting such weird reactions to what’s supposed to be happy news, but after reading your post I feel so much better . 🙂

And to the rest of you, thank you so much for all the support and kind words. You bees are the best and I wish all of you the happily ever after that you so deserve. *hugs*

Post # 11
Member
1268 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Is there a cultural, or ethnic diversity between you and your Fiance.  It seems like a hidden agenda is in play.

Post # 12
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
@retreadbride: No, there isn’t. Guess my parents are just very emotionally charged people.

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