(Closed) Parents and girlfriend don't get along

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
3262 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

The only advice I have: do NOT let your passport out of your sight. Ever. At any point in life. 

Post # 4
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think it’s important that she at least try (actually TRY) to fix things with your parents. The least she can do is sit in a public place and have a meal or coffee with them or something. And yes, agree that you two will leave at the first TRUE sign of antagonization from your parents. But if she’s so against this meeting, be aware that she might antagonize your parents herself or take some comments personally even if they weren’t intended to be insults.

It’s somewhat uncool that she’s trying to get you to elope without even making this last ditch effort to fix things with your parents. After all, these are YOUR PARENTS. By the way, how is your relationship with your parents, aside from this situation with your girlfriend? And how is her relationship with her parents? She might have a right to be distrusting of your parents– I can’t judge that since I don’t know the whole story. But I think she should at least try one last time before eloping.

Also, if she’s getting angry with you for even thinking about this as a possibility, that’s another big problem. She shouldn’t get angry with you for trying. You both should be able to have open, honest, and respectful conversations about this topic, as difficult as it may be.

Post # 5
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Overjoyed:  I agree with this. You’re an adult (I assume). You should be able to take care of your own passport.

Post # 6
3567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

The only way to even begin to try to bridge this gap is to get them to agree to meet again.  Discuss with both your girlfriend and your parents that any verbal arguing will not be tolerated.  It seems as though there are much more deep seeded issues going on here as far as your parents issues with her are concerned.  Maybe these things need to be discussed in a mature, calm manner. 

As far as eloping goes, my advice is to not give in to your girlfriend’s wishes.  I forsee that this will only royally tick your parents off to the point where any kind of reconciliation between them and your girlfriend will never happen.

Explain to your girlfriend that you love her, and you want to marry her someday, but eloping is not how you want to do it.  She needs to understand that the relationship with your parents is very important to you and somehow, someway, all the issues in the past need to be confronted and delt with.  I understand that she may be hurt by things they may have said, but she needs to find it within herself to at least agree (for your sake) to meet with your parents again and try to resolve these issues.

Post # 7
4659 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Overjoyed:  +100000. Never, ever, ever give anyone your passport, especially if you have even the slightest inkling that they might have some intention not to give it back. Do not trust them. Not ever. Optimism is not warranted where your passport is concerned.

I don’t think you should respect your parents wishes just because they’re your parents. They should have to earn it by respecting your choices as an adult first.

As for the meeting, I think your plan is a good one, to meet in a neutral place and leave at the first sign of a problem. 

In the end though, you need to be ready to choose – do you want to stay with and marry your girlfriend, even if it means your parents’ wrath? Are you willing to stand up to them and argue your case and shut them out of your life (temporarily or forever) if you have to?

You need to be able to say yes to those questions before you marry anyone. Anything could happen to change their opinion of anyone, and you need to be ready to stand up and tell your parents exactly how unacceptable their behavior is and what the consequences will be (you leaving and not talking to them anymore) if they don’t treat her with respect, regardless of how they feel.

If you can’t do that, please break up with your girlfriend and let her find someone with a spine, she ought to be in a relationship where she can depend on being priority #1 and always defended. No one deserves to be at the mercy of their in-laws all the time. 

If the meeting doesn’t go well, and your parents are mean, and you want to choose to be with your girlfriend, and commit to picking your relationship with her OVER your relationship with your parents, THEN you should elope (if you want to marry her) – your parents will have shown nothing but entitled, rude selfishness, not deserving of any consideration. They haven’t earned your respect for their wishes.

But if it goes well, even just “passable” or decent or not awful, you should reward that behavior in your parents by assuring your girlfriend that you will always put her first, but you want to wait and have a big wedding and do it “proper” because they’re making an effort. 

(Of course, like I said, if you can’t commit to putting her before them, you probably shouldn’t marry her at all.)

Post # 8
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

The best thing you can do is talk honestly with your girlfriend. Since it is important to you for her to try to meet again with your parents, you will need to talk to her about it again. I understand she may not like it.

Try to think of ways that you can make things easier if and when it does happen. Have your own transport and meet in a neutral location, like a restaurant. Agree in advance that if your parents show signs of disrespect and antagonize your girlfriend or your relationship, that you will firmly tell them their behaviour is not appropriate and that you will leave immediately. Have cash with you so that you can put down money for your meals on the table and go at any time without “leaving the bill” for your parents.

My husband and I have been together for ten years, married for less than two. We have a rule that I deal with my parents, and he deals with his. We do see them together, but we are each responsible for talking to or phoning our own parents. When a difficult topic is raised and we are arguing with them, the other has no responsibility to say anything at all to the other person’s family. If his family is doing something I do not like, I tell my husband and he deals with them as though it is a problem affecting him personally.

For the first three years or so of our relationship, his dad did not like me. It took his dad coming out east to Ontario from Alberta and going for a drink in a bar with my husband for him to finally admit that there was no real reason why he did not like me and was treating me that way. His dad was trying to set him up with other women and was overly suspicious and disrespectful of me. Ultimately, as best as we could understand, it was just another incarnation of his dad’s really harsh judgment of my husband as a person. My husband chose me, so his father decided he must be wrong. It had very little to do with me in any way.

I hope your family can come to accept your girlfriend in a way that is comfortable for her.

Post # 9
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well to be fair, your girlfriend is probably hurt by your parents comments and I can see why she thinks they’re being insincere.  I don’t think they’re actually trying to bridge the gap either. But if you think they’re actually trying I would have them sit down with you first as a kind of screening for what they would say.  They might be your parents but that doesn’t mean they can be rude to the person you have expressed interest in marrying.  If what they have to say is the same old rude bs about your gf then they’re just toxic people and I would recommend cutting them out of your life if they can’t accept your adult decisions.

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