(Closed) Parents and money issues!

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3082 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Do you know these guests his parents want to invite? I would just tell them that you don’t have the money to pay for their guests and if they want to invite them, they can pay for them. 

Post # 4
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Do what you and fiance want.  If your not cutting his family members, then his parents don’t have a say in the guest list.  If they want to invite friends/co-works, tell them it will cost this much and it is not negotiable.

Bottom line- it is your day, not theirs 

 

Post # 5
Member
8272 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

As long as your FI’s friends and family that HE wants are invited, I think you’re fine. And I’d have him deal with his parents – I don’t think that responsibilty should fall on you. Tell them you have X budget which has been already been allocated for your guests, and if there are additional people they would like to invite they are welcome to do so, but they need to pay X per person. I’d stand your ground.

Post # 6
Member
5423 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2012

No money = no opinion.  That’s usually the game.  They cannot demand things without throwing somehting behind it.  Besides, who’s wedding is this anyway?

Post # 7
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think you need to invite the same amount of family from both sides, then your friends and then your parent’s friends. If his parents want to invite friends or extra relatives, they need to put their money where their mouth is.

Every time they say they want “neighbor bob” invited, you say, “I’m sorry, we just can’t afford it.”

Post # 8
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Keep in mind that your ILs will be in your life for your whole marriage. I understand you sentiment and I agree that you can cut some of your FI’s parent’s guests, but I think you should make sure that all his important family members are invited and that the two sides are relatively even. A one day wedding is not worth spoiling a long-term relationship with your ILs because you decided to cut them out of the wedding.

Post # 9
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t get why more people don’t do what I did for my wedding…

If the person is your guest, you pay for it. My parents paid for all their guests (and my friends) and my husbands parents paid for their guests (and his friends). I didn’t feel it is right that my parents should have to pay for his guests just because I am the “bride.” My parents increased their budget so they could have more people come. His parents invited less because that is what they could afford.

Post # 10
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@FoxyBride14:  +1

or just say screw it and elope. Seriously. I don’t see why people need to go through hell to please others on THEIR wedding day. His parents aren’t paying so your Fiance needs to lay down the law and tell them they can’t have it both ways.

Post # 11
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

I think it’s time for your fiance to have a chat with his parents.  It’s his place to do, not yours.  He needs to explain the situation in detail with them.  I agree that it’s not fair for the bride’s parents to foot the bill for the groom’s parent’s invite list. 

Post # 12
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I think as long as your Fiance is fine with the decisions then everything is okay. In fact, I am doing something very similar. I am an only child so my parents are paying for a good chunk of my wedding. Like you parents, they gave me a set amount that they could contribute. It is not a tiny amount but not huge either considering the area we live in is outrageous as far as weddings go (They are contributing 8,000.. to put things into prespective I choose one of the cheapest venues in the area and for venue and catering alone I am spending 6,100 of that budget, my grandmother also paid for my dress and alteratoins and officiant fees so those things do not have to come from the remaining 1,900). Now this 6,100 is based upon 130 guests. My fiance and I created 6 different guest lists, “my family” “his faimly” “my friends” “his friends” “my family friends” and “his family friends”. If it was a mututal friend, they were listed under whoever knew them first and co-workers etc were listed under friends as well. Our numbers ended up being 54 “my family” 42 “his family”  22 “my friends” (I only invited the closest.. it wasn’t in our budget to have all) 26 “his friends” 14 “my family friends” 26 “his family friends”. The total number is 184! This did not include our vendors which are included in the 130 since we of course are providing them with a meal (we are including this as pastor/wife, 2 photographers, 2 DJ’s). We were only comfortable inviting 150 so we had to cut 40 peple somehow. Neither of us were cutting our friends.. We already had cut our friends list in half and have hurt some feelings already.. the people left WE want there. My entire familiy lives in the area so we both agreed that we couldn’t really cut any of them.. I grew up being close to my whole extended family and they have done so much for me while he barely knows his aunts and uncles.. That left cutting either of our family friends or his family. 

 

I tried explaining to his mother that we could not invite everyone and there brother to our wedding because with only my Fiance working right now and both of us full-time graduate students we only have a few thousand of our own money to contribute (which is all going towards gifts, hotels for our wedding party, honeymoon and rings) and my parents do not have the money to give another dime. I basically told her if it was important for her family friends (yes they were mostly HER friends, coworkers etc and people my Fiance barely knows) then she was going to have to pay for it. She started in about how she is paying the rehearsel dinner and I wanted to scream but ultimately my fiance and I agreed and most of the cuts came from his family friends and his distant family (who probably wouldn’t have come anyways). I honestly am not okay with the whole brides parents paying either. Especially when HIS family is just as able to help as mine.

Post # 13
Member
3340 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Regardless of who gave you the money, the money should be yours now.  You should be able to do whatever you want with it.  The fact that it’s coming with strings attached is the source of all this trouble and conflict, not the fact that your fiancé’s family isn’t contributing.

Have you tried talking to your fiancé’s parents about them contributing?  Like the four of you sitting down and discussing the wedding and everyone’s expectations?  You say that they can afford to contribute but aren’t; how do you know that?  Do you read their finances?  Do you know their exact incomes and expenses?

My fiancé’s family isn’t contributing money to our wedding either.  My dad gave us one third and my fiancé and I are coming up with the rest.  But if I turned to my fiancé’s family and told them we’re not going to invite his family because they won’t give us money…I think they’d flip a shit.  It’s their son’s wedding too.  His family has just as much right to be there as your family does.  It doesn’t matter who’s paying.  A wedding isn’t about throwing an expensive party; it’s about the joining of two families.

If you want to have a good relationship with your fiancé’s family in the future, then I think you need to put your parents in their place.  I wouldn’t accept money with strings attached.  It’s YOUR wedding, not your parent’s.  They can’t dictate the guest list.  I’d ask for a list from both sides of the family with who they want invited.  Then figure out what you can afford and pick an equal number from each side.  This is a really bad way to start a marriage: pitting the two families against each other over money.

Post # 16
Hostess
8579 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You want a small wedding.. but your venue isnt big enough?! How many people are you wanting there? I think what you need to do is come up with a number of guests and cap it.. if 40 guests [and then the bridal party] is all you can afford, then stick with it. Don’t invite people that you or your fi don’t personally know – that doesn’t make any sense.

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