(Closed) Parents asked me to choose,Who do I love more? Them or my fiance :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

What are the specific reasons your parents say they don’t like him? Are there specific actions they don’t like or is it religion?

Post # 5
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@jaytea1:  Just when you think parents have said it all; wham!

I think you’re parents are acting like they are in their 20’s. Childish!

Good on you for moving out and doing what is authentic to you and not what is demanded by your parents. Who by the way do not live your life; that would be you.

As far as making contact again I would let the dust settle and while you do work on pulling your thoughts together preparing for their reactions to any form of contact from you. Based on their level of thinking I can’t imagine it would be good. But in my mind you have made the grown up decision and stick to your guns.


Post # 6
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t agree with anyone who makes you choose “who you like more”

Post # 7
9117 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

An emotional ultimateum, regardless of age is an incredibly selfish and heartless thing to do. “Them or me.” is so painful. I’ve been there, so I can sympathize. Right now, there isn’t much advice anyone can tell you. You need to do what you need to do for your relationship and your life. If you can afford to move in with your fiance, do it and don’t look back. You never know, maybe your parents will come around, but if their arguments are religion based, there’s a good chance they won’t.

All you can really do is assure them that they raised a level headed, responsible daughter and you’re doing what needs to be done to stay emotionally healthy.

Post # 8
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

What’s more important to them their daughter or being hardheaded and stubborn? If he treats you well and loves you they should be thankful. As long as you handle this as calmly as possible and do what’s best for you they’ll come around eventually. 

Post # 9
42 posts
  • Wedding: January 2014

Oh boy this really is a tough cookie to answer.

On one hand your parents are being very protective of their loved one (they obviously love you a great deal and want what’s best for you) but on the other hand you want to be with the love of your life.  Is he really the one for you?, Will you still be together in 5 years, who knows?.

Partners come and go, parents are there forever (Kind of).

I would go with how you feel rather than what you think (men generally go with what they think).

If you did choose your partner then of course your parents will be angry initially but will probably get over it with time. OK they might give him the shoulder when he comes to the house and always think of him negatively but they will still be OK to you.

Im sure that my Father-In-Law and Mother-In-Law have also given my partner an ultimatum that she hasn’t told me about (nobody is good enough for their sweet pea).

Off to bed now, very tired ……..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Post # 10
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My good friend growing up was in a very similar situation.  Luckily she was in a large Catholic family, so she had sisters to take the pressure off.  By the time she was having relations with boys, her parents were more desensitized.  They still got all up in arms and they did refuse to go to any wedding that wasn’t in the church, but they eventually made peace with all their children, even ones who had children before marriage.  I don’t know if you have any siblings or not.  But I do think they’ll eventually come around.

Post # 11
4948 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

They don’t have to like your decisions (living with him before marriage), but that doesn’t mean they should treat you like that!

I can’t believe grown people would ask their adult children to pick and choose “who do you love more?” That’s emotional terrorism.

Post # 12
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

That’s terrible. People feel strongly about others based on their experience with them but if they’ve had little to no contact and they are just mad because of their wishes and their beliefs then you don’t need that. You have to respect your parents but aas an adult they should respect you too and they aren’t. You aren’t a child anymore and you need to do what makes you happy with the rest of YOUR life not what makes them happy for THEIRS, that’s THEIR job not yours.

The choice thing especially coming from parents has officially blown my mind. That question is a DEAL breaker for me for ANYONE who asks it.

Post # 13
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I know how you feel.  My parents are also devout Catholic and I’m one myself.  However, I did live with my husband before I married him, and almost everyone in my family (except my grandmother and my brother) had something to say to/about me about “living in sin.”  This included my aunt who had been having an affair with a married man and an uncle whose own daughter is a stripper (and he goes to watch her shows)!  Oh, and did I mention that every last one of the people who judged me (except my parents) are divorced as well (another thing the Church does not allow)? 

It calls to mind that passage in the Bible about how one should take the plank out of their own eyes before trying to take a splinter out of someone else’s!  My grandmother is the most devout Catholic out of them all and yet she did NOT judge me, which only goes to show the difference between actually LIVING the Catholic faith and being hypocritical about it.  I guarantee that your parents are not perfect either (as none of us are) and the fact that they asked you to choose between them and the man you are about to marry proves it.  They ought to know that even the Bible says that a woman’s place is by her husband’s side!  “A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto His wife and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).  If they want to preach Catholicism to you, then they should at least be consistent about it!

However, I’m not sure that arguing the principles of Catholicism is necessarily the answer here even though they ARE wrong to be treating you the way they are.  The best advice I can offer you is to refuse to answer the question of who would you choose on the grounds that it’s not a fair question to begin with, and even if it was, your Catholic upbringing would have taught you to place your husband before your parents and of course you don’t want to hurt your parents by telling them that, so the best thing to do is to tell them that you can’t and won’t answer that question if they ask it again.

In the meantime, try to ignore the naysayers.  I had my reasons for doing what I did and I’m sure you did too.  We’re grown women, we make our own choices, and we need answer to no one for them but God.  Only He can judge us.

Post # 14
39 posts
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think you made the right choice to do what makes you happy.  Its your life and obviously your parents have forgotten that.  

I would quote this bible verse to them: “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” John 8:7.  Maybe it will be a reminder to them that just because they don’t agree with your “brand of sinning” so to speak, doesn’t give them the right to judge with hate as if they were sinless.

If that doesn’t work remind them you are 24 and not 16 and its not their decision. 

Post # 16
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jaytea1:  Best of luck to you and remember to be as firm with them as you need to be.  They need to understand that you are a grown woman now and that YOU make your own decisions.

The topic ‘Parents asked me to choose,Who do I love more? Them or my fiance :(’ is closed to new replies.

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