Post # 1
Just need so advice/opinions.
My Fiance andI got engaged after only dating for 6 months. I definitely love him but we’ve had some rough few weeks. Both of us just graduated college andI have been independent from my parents for several years now (completely financially on my own,make my own decisions, etc) . He on the other hand, has not been, ever. Most of our arguments come from the fact that he has a hard time letting go of them (financially and emotionally). He is very, very, stingy with his own money but will ask them/ make them pay for things whenever possible. I understand that we were raised differently but it concerns me because I need to know that HE not his parents can take care of me and that I don’t come second to his parents (which has been a pretty big issue when decision making).
We’ve been doing really well lately but he just confessed to me that he still owes money on my engagement ring. So I said, ok how much do you still owe the bank? And he said, well it isn’t the bank it is my parents. So I said, ok, how much do you still owe them? He still owes them ALL OF IT. They paid for all of it. His parents bought my ring. That was 6 months ago and he has had a steady job for 3 months of that. And he hasn’t paid them back at all. And just now told me.
I feel like it isn’t even my ring. Like, it literally has nothing to do with us now. I’m just really hurt that his parents had to be involved just like they are in EVERYTHING. Am I wrong?
Am I wrong that I don’t even want to wear the ring anymore? Am I being a bitch?
Post # 3
Gosh. I really understand your frustration! I have no real help. I would recommend just having a calm discussion with your Fiance during a time you can both sit down and talk about it. Let him know how it makes you feel. Best of luck!
Post # 4
I understand how you feel. I get really frustrated that Mr CL’s brother is completely reliant on his parents, and still lives at home rent-free, despite having a full time job (with his dad, of course…). I can’t even imagine what it would be like to have my partner have no sense of self sufficiency.
Perhaps you ought to speak to his parents about your concerns? In the long run (in terms of repayments etc) it may be good that he didn’t get a bank loan to pay for your ring, but it may be worthwhile sitting down with his parents to work out a repayment plan, and organise for money to be automatically transferred from his bank account to theirs so that it’s being paid off without needing his intervention. From the sound of it if he’s left to his own devices he just won’t get off his backside and pay them back.
This lack of independence is something you really need to work out before the wedding (and in my opinion, before you even start to plan the wedding). Have you had a proper conversation with him about why you’d like him to rely less on his parents? And are his parents trying to wean him off, or just indulging him?
Post # 5
No, you’re not being a bitch. His financial dependency is a valid concern considering you two have decided to start a life together. If it were me, I would definitely be nervous about what life would be like if we always had to defer to my in-laws whenever we wanted to make any sort of costly investment (like a home or a new car), especially if I had only known him for six months. How your finances will be handled post-wedding is something that you guys should definitely talk about before you get married.
As far as your ring goes, I think telling him that you’re uncomfortable wearing a ring that is essentially a gift to you from his parents might give him the push he needs to start paying them back. It would be important to me that the ring was from him and I would hope it would be something that was important to him, too. That being said, he proposed to you because he loves you and wants to spend his life with you. That’s something that’s between the two of you, ring or no ring.
Post # 6
The ring is just a symptom of the bigger problem – he needs to become more independent. Is he still living with his parents now? Maybe he should live on his own for a year or so before you guys get married. Whatever you decide, it’s best not to go into a marriage hoping to change who your Fiance is. This is something you should address before the wedding or accept.
Post # 7
Tell him to get off the nipple and start being a man.
How is he going to support you if he isn’t willing to buy the ring himself? I’m all for saving money, but that’s ridiculous. That’s being selfish and a moocher. He can’t be a baby his whole life.
Sorry for sounding harsh, but stuff like that needs to be nipped in the bud, PRONTO.
Post # 8
It sounds like he needs some time on the couch with a therapist. Until he disconnects from needing them on the same level a young teen will, he will not succeed in being a reliable husband and eventually father.
Post # 9
fewf! Glad I’m not crazy.
Thanks for the advice ladies:) I appreciate it!
Post # 10
it concerns me because I need to know that HE not his parents can take care of me and that I don’t come second to his parents (which has been a pretty big issue when decision making).
Yes – you need to know this. However, I would approach it with him by asking very general global questions about his opinions on money. What are his values when it comes to money? What is his strategy for saving / spending. How does he view the role of financial independence, and does that include or preclude money he gets from his parents?
Instead of you TELLING him to pay back his parents…. ask him if he wants to and what his plan is to settle that debt. His actions are indicating that it’s not a priority for him. LISTEN to his ACTIONS – they will tell you everything you need to know.
Post # 12
I don’t see it as a big deal that he basically got a loan for his parents…since he has only had a steady job for three months maybe he was waiting to make sure it was going to stick, esp. if he is stingy with his money. I would suggest to him that he should start making payments soon though…but it isn’t any less your ring. We are doing the same thing with the wedding band. I don’t really have an engagement ring because I didn’t want one. We both didn’t feel like we could go without the wedding band though. Instead of using credit, our families are big on family loans because my mom has had some issues with credit cards. He borrowed from his mom, but he is making payments. Your Fiance did just graduate and is still in that dependant on his parents mindset. I’m sure that once it clicks with this steady job, things will get better!
Post # 14
@puppiekisses: Ouch…I’m going to say a prayer for you, girl. That’s really rough. I hope she stays in FL with her daughter.
Post # 13
Listen girl, its better he owe his parents than the other way around…mine has a mother that lives one social security check at a time, divies out all her money to her other kids, and has been mooching off us for two months only to throw away MY loaned money for her plane ticket just to go back to Florida with her daughter instead of PR. I’d pay almost anything to get this woman out of my house…she sucks up resources and we wouldn’t be going into more dept as a couple. So be grateful these kissup parents are involved. It may be hindering your Fiance from growing up and being independant, but don’t think of it as their fault, just help him start small payments. Make realistic goals he will stick to and if his parents aren’t expecting him to even try and pay it back, at least you can give him positive feedback as he makes even the smallest effort. Don’t discourage him. You can avoid making him upset and at the same time get what you want. But change your mind about how you feel for your ring…for parents to help their son hold onto a girl, that’s pretty sweet in my opinion.
did i meantion future inlaw snores, has cyatic nerve issues, lump in her chest with no money for a sonogram, emphasima, and we live in a STUDIO! so guess who i’m sleeping next to tonight…and every night since the beginning of august??? dont’ feel a bit sorry for you girlfriend, at least you don’t see your Fiance on an airmatris every morning
Post # 15
@lynngirl88: i wouldn’t rush with the wedding planning. you sound so mature, responsible and independent. i think if you got married, you may find yourself looking after a manchild. he is going to need to grow up and take some responsibility for himself. i am afraid that if he doesn’t change, you will grow to resent him in some capacity, which is never good for a relationship. you are just light years ahead of him on the independence scale. hopefully he can show you that he is ready for this.
i only say this because i was there. unfortunately, i went through the the marriage. it did not last long. he just didn’t get it. there was no effort to grow up at all. it was like he was playing house for fun.
i agree with pp. find out what his plans are to repay his parents.
talk to him about what his goals are and how is going to achieve those goals. short term and long term goals. these will reveal a lot about a person.
Post # 16
Personally, and this is totally unreasonable, but I would feel the exact same way as you. Yes, I understand that it is better to owe your parents than it is your bank, but money and families should never mix after you are over the age of 18. And he hasn’t paid them a dime? Didn’t put down a deposit? No promises on how/when he would pay it back?
Is he still living at home?