Post # 16
Your mom is behaving so poorly. My mom’s former best friend had an affair with my father and is now married to him, and she is awful to me and my mom- including not allowing my mother to step on their front porch, as if my mother were the jerk in this scenario- and still, my mother never behaves like yours is. My point is if my mom can suck that load of crap up for the family, so can yours no matter what this woman has done. The issue is between sm and your mom, not you and your mom and sm.
I would seriously want to do this without their help at this point. if you are prepared to do that, I would let them know how you really feel. I would tell them they are ruining what should be a celebration of joy and togetherness. I would tell them that this isn’t the time for exacting decades old grudges. And I would tell your mom I am not a pawn to be used to hurt someone who she feels wronged her.
She is the mother, that is clear, step mom isn’t equal to her- but to use your wedding to get revenge is low.
Post # 17
You are a grown up adult. It’s time for you to step up and accept that role.
I would tell your parents that you have decided to finance your own wedding because you cannot deal with the emotional blackmail. They will likely threaten not to attend, but chances are that in the end, they will attend your wedding.
Despite the fact that you love them, they are being immature and spiteful after divorcing decades ago. Time for them to move on and for you to stop validating their behavior by acquiescing to their demands.
Post # 18
I think that you need to have a sit down with them as this is out of control. It’s one thing to ask for certain guests to be invited or certain traditions to be followed or even a certain dinner to be served but to ask for half of your family to basically be shunned in order to spotlight how wonderful your mom/Stepdad is really leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I think that it will backfire and end up making your mom/stepdad look like jerks.
I would try and talk to them (with your FI) and say that while you appreciate everything they do and don’t want to make them uncomfortable the fact is that your dad is still your dad and while you mom/stepdad are obviously a big part of your life it wouldn’t be right to ignore your father. You are happy to be sensitive to your mom’s needs but in the end she is an adult and needs to act like one – sometimes we don’t get our way 100% but we still have to do things and showing up at your daughters wedding is not something that she should even threaten skipping over some stupid lady getting a damn flower.
Post # 19
I would cancel and elope or have very small wedding I can afford. I would not be held emotionally hostage like this. They are being brutally unfair putting you in this position with your step mom. Their grudges are not your concern.
Post # 20
I feel so badly for your stepmother. Your mother, no offense, sounds awful.
Post # 21
lolita1027: Stepmother (as of yet) has zero clue about any of this, at least. It’s been entirely my burden to carry. Mother is definitely pushing me away with all of this, yet claiming it’s my fault/me being a bad daughter.
Post # 22
I’m 100% w PPs here. Scale back, have the wedding you can afford and talk to your mom and stepdad. “While we greatly appreciate the fact that you made an effort to contribute to our wedding expenses, that contribution ultimately came with strings attached that didn’t seem to be right to us. Ou wedding is about our love and the joining of families. You seemed to want to make it about your bad relationship with MY FATHER and the exclusion of my stepmother. Just like you, stepdad, have a place in my heart, she has one too. Just like you are my mom, he is my dad. Fighting over how to word invitations was the last straw as it would’ve looked like you paid for 100% of the shebang wo acknowledging our own contributions. We would love to have everyone there, and everyone will be invited, but it will ultimately be up to you mom if you want to attend your daughter’s wedding, up to you stepdad if you want to attend your stepdaughter’s wedding.”
Post # 23
One more rant: Meanwhile, they’re paying thousands for my mom to get plastic surgery before the wedding (though claiming the eyelift was because “her vision was impaired”… which seems 100% false because my mom has never had eyelids that droopy).
UGH! Thanks for letting me vent, bees. Your support & guidance (even if it’s brutally honest, which I appreciate <3) means the world to me right now.
Post # 24
RollTide2012: any chance that your dad’s new wife is younger/hotter? sounds like you mom is having some serious confidence issues and it’s really sad that she is taking it out on you/your wedding
Post # 25
RollTide2012: It sounds like they’re being unreasonable. But I do have to say they were right about the invitations. If your future in-laws are hosting the rehearsal dinner, that should go on the rehearsal dinner invitations, not the wedding invitations. The bride’s parents names were “traditionally” on the invitations because they were the hosts. That’s it. They were literally inviting people, so the invitations said “Mr and Mrs blah blah invite you to the wedding of blah blah.” It seems like people have begun to see that as a way to list out special people, or “honor” someone but you should do that in toasts, not the invitations. If your in-laws are not hosts or co-hosts of the wedding, the only reason their names should be on there is on a “son of …” line after the groom’s name so more distant relatives know who is getting married.
I would have given them the invitations and held firm on the corsages etc. Since that ship has sailed though, I would return their money and tell them your integrity is worth more than that.
Post # 26
Daisy_Mae: We’re doing the same invitation for both rehearsal & wedding (since everyone is invited to both), and having all those names would have been super bulky & awkward. Instead- we offered to put a note saying “Heartfelt thanks to Mr & Mrs (FH parents) for hosting the rehearsal dinner & Mr & Mrs (mom/stepdad) for hosting the wedding”. Parents seemed fine with that– they’re upset simply over the word “reception” instead of “wedding” when thanking them. I just didn’t think about how much “wedding” versus “reception” was going to be a big deal– since wedding seems to imply they’re paying for everything even though FH & I are contributing more than them.. reception just seemed to make more sense.
Post # 27
Sorry bee you going through this. At this point the only place you can cut cost is the decoration.
1-you can reject their money and cut cost on the little things or
-2 Accept their money and told them you will pay them back
The petty side of me would take the money and do everything they ask like don’t give my stepmom a corset. At the end of the night instant doing a bouquet toss I would honor my stepmom with the bouquet and say thank for your support. She will be mad and stop talking to me. Whenever someone ask my why she cut me off I would explain to them how petty she was.
Post # 28
Post # 29
RollTide2012: I’m not quite understanding how your mom/stepdad can argue for the invites to say they hosted the wedding when in fact they’re not since they’re not paying 100% for it… have you told them that you and FH have contributed $20K and that according to financials, you are hosting your own wedding and that they have just significantly contributed? Therefore, there is no actual precedent that says you need to have the “wedding” wording for them. Etiquette says whoever spends the most, hosts the wedding!
I’d be done playing games with these children. If they want to play hard ball and claim they’re not coming to the wedding because of one word on an invitation or because you’re acknowledging the mere existence of your stepmother…they are not worth having relationships with. You shouldn’t care more about a relationship than the other person cares about it. Apparently to them, your wedding is only worth attending (and therefore your relationship with them only matters) if they can use you to hurt people. HOW PETTY. And these are supposed to be parents? I am absolutely appalled at how they are dragging their child through their emotional damage that should have been worked out decades ago. No wonder these people divorced! Grudges are such UGLY things. Forgiveness is soooo much cleaner.
Post # 30
Wow!! I read the whole thing– that’s a horrible burden for you during an excessively stressful time already. The most important thing to remember is that it’s YOUR day. Money is a downer- sucks to borrow but also sucks to spend your own.
Maybe say to your mom that this is a once-in-a-lifetime event. You would love to have her there, but it is your day. I agree with an above poster that you should write out your budget and show exactly where her share is going– if she wants to retract it, she will see exactly what gets taken out (flowers was the example provided).
Bottom line, do what YOU want. You and your fiance seem to have a back-up financial plan if you end up returning the parental “gift” from hell. Also it’s not like you’re using the money to pay for strippers to walk you down the aisle at the church– it’s being used for logical, necessary wedding items. What is your mom’s problem!! If her issue is over something as petty as the wording on an invite- word it how she wants. That’s super easy to give in to. Stay strong in where you want to put her donation though, and as long as you show her where it’s going, it’s up to her if she wants that part of the wedding to be paid for or not.
Good luck.. this is a tough one.