Post # 31
This all sounds completely awful and I agree with PP your mother sounds horrible! I’m sorry you are going through this. I wouldn’t cave in to any of her demands or “suggestions”. I would move forward at this point and scale back what you can and stop talking to your mother about the wedding. Send them an invite like everyone else. Invite her to any wedding related events that are left but don’t ask her suggestion/opinion/etc. It is up to them if they show up or not.
Once the wedding is over if she says anything be prepared to pay back whatever money they have contributed but don’t dicuss it now or take any more money from them to pay off balances. If you talk about it now it just creates more stress and opportunity for her to try to bully you. Cut her off from those opportunities until after the wedding and then you can shut her down by writing her a check and ignoring the rest of it.
Post # 32
I think you should stand up for your other family. I would not continue to tolerate such mean-spirited behaviour. Your mom is sadly using your wedding as an opportunity to lash out at your stepmother in a public and mean-spirited way. She should be ashamed of herself, looking for opportunities to exclude and embarass someone at an event she is meant to be “hosting”.
This is your and your fiance’s wedding, so take back control of it immediately. It sounds like you have already paid the lion’s share of things and they haven’t kicked in what they promised anyway. Tell them negotiations are over and they are welcome to come if they can shut up and behave – otherwise stay home. Didn’t your father and stepmother also contribute financially to your wedding?
Post # 33
Father/stepmom have only minimally offered to contribute ($1,500 originally– now they’re saying $1K), but none of that money has yet been seen.
Post # 34
That was very nice of them to gift you with money for the wedding, key word gift, as it sounds like you all clarified that early on. That does not entitle them to get everything their way, or exclude the other half of your family. They are acting very childish. If I were you, I would seriously consider thanking them for their contribution so far, remind them that your dad has also contributed, which was very kind, and I would tell them they’re “off the hook” to help out any more (aka the 60% they haven’t given yet). I’d be tempted to even pay them back for what they’ve put in.
You just need to trust your inner voice, and be the woman you want to be. If you don’t want to slight your step mom, then don’t! Do what feels right. It sounds like this problem lies entirely with your mom and your step dad is just supporting his woman. They are adults, they can make their own decision, but you don’t need to be manipulated along the way. Be the good person you are, and let the “adults” work out their differences in their own way, up to them!
Post # 35
Honestly, even if your mother was paying for the whole thing it doesn’t give her the right to treat others poorly. It just makes her look bad anyway, not your step-mom.
Post # 36
You should really just have had the invitations say “our name & fi name, along with their parents (list all 6) invite you to attend [wedding info]” rather than saying who paid for what.
Money always comes with strings, but this, THIS, is beyond string. This is a full blown marrionette theater. The Von Trapp kids would have needed Uncle Max and about 20 other austrian children to help them sort out all the strings for this little play your mother and stepfather are indulging in.
Give the money back, thank them for their “loan” and tell them you found a way to pay for the wedding yourselves and that you look forward to them being there.
Post # 37
Okay, your mom is acting like a child – particularly about your SM
I also think its a little petty for you and your Fiance to want to be so hung up on making a (subtle) point about how much you’re contributing vs. how much your mom/SF are chipping in. Yall will know, and beyond that, does it really matter? I’d just thank them for hosting the wedding and move on. Not a sword I’d choose to fall on.
AND (while I’m being the bad guy) — you’d be better served to leave her surgery out of this. Her $$, her body, her choice. Just reads as bitter.
Post # 38
Those are fair points, and the rational side of me can hear them. After several weeks of continually falling on every sword they put in our path, however, I chose the smallest one to not fall on– and even that turned out to be a huge deal. Can you imagine if I chose one that were bigger?
You’re right– the surgery bit is bitter. I guess I am bitter for the years of them pointing out how my father supposedly “has millions, but refuses to help you with anything!” (which I still have never seen any proof of; plus he contributed to some of my education) while saying of themselves “And here we are poor as can be, so we can’t help you with anything”… only to have them spend thousands on art & plastic surgery. I will admit it is bitter & childish. Hence the word ranting when used to describe that part. My apologies
Post # 39
This is going beyond ‘strings attached’….strings attached is ‘can I add 10 people to your guest list’. What they’re doing is using money, threats & bullying to glorify themselves (oh-so-important they be publicly credited as hosts/ grandpoobahs of the entire wedding) and even worse, to try and force you into doing things (excluding your step-mom) that go against your own sense of decency. They should be ashamed of themselves, but of course they won’t be. Scale down if you possibly can and minimize their role in the planning as much as possible. I’m so sorry you have to deal with people who would put their own agendas before their daughter’s happiness.
Post # 40
Hmm my point may not be the most popular but why are you having a wedding you can’t afford? Your mother’s behavior is not good and should not to be condoned but I don’t understand brides that borrow money to have the wedding, money always comes with caveats. Have the Weddinf you can afford and then whatever you receive is a gift. You mentioned your dipping into savings, by all means please do and return the money to your parents so you can have the wedding you want. I have similar family issues and paid for the wedding myself, no additional input. Any money we received was a gift. Just a word of caution as this will not be fixed until you don’t use their money
Post # 41
OMG you poor thing! This is just awful. You did nothing wrong here at all. I have no words of advice, but just want to say sorry this is a crappy situation :::hugs:::
Post # 42
I can hear how distraught you are from your post and updates, I feel for you. My 2 cents take a breath and sit down calmly with Fiance and discuss the issue and as a couple make a joint decision on how you want to proceed. If it’s returning the money then do that, if it’s cancel the whole event and take the loss and elope then do that. But make that decision together and announce it and your reasons as a couple to all the parties involved. If you go ahead with your wedding as is, please do not exclude your step mother in any way, social exclusion and isolation is a form of bullying even if you are being bullied into acting that way by your mother, someone has to stand up to the bully. Check and see if you can yank the invites and write them as you see fit. Good luck bee keep us posted.
Post # 43
I haven’t read all responses, but I’d call mom / step-dad on the fact that you asked them early on to write out any conditions. They neglected to do this, and sprang hurtful conditions on you at the relative last minute after contracts had been signed. I’d (and probably unnecessarily up the drama) suggest that they intentionally waited this long to put you in a difficult financial postion so that you feel obligated to concede to them.
I would try to cut back where I could. I’d tell mom/stepdad that I would love to see them there, but you’re doing it your way which will include your wording on invitations and step-mom getting a corsage. If they cannot come – you’ll miss them but that will be their decision and you will not let them make you feel guilty about it. And, sadly, as you’ve stated you now see a not so nice side to your mom. I’m sorry that it had to happen on what should be a happy time for you.
Post # 44
My stepdad even said that my mom planned on acting as if everything was fine, and if I still insisted on giving my stepmom a corsage (even one that was smaller/like ones I would give my aunt), she would suddenly become ill a few days before the wedding & neither of them would be able to make it.
Real mature of her. Seriously, she would skip her own daughter’s wedding simply because your step-mom had some sort of acknowledgement, like a corsage? She needs to get real, honestly. She’s being petty and selfish, and is only hurting you in the end.
If it was me, I’d not take any additional money from them. I’d tell them this is what’s going on, we’d love to have you there, but if you choose to let something petty this like keep you away, it’s on your conscience. Period.
And I would never exclude my father’s wife. Particularly in a situation like this.
Sorry bee, this is horrible of your mom and step-dad. Very selfish and rude. I can understand how frustrating and hurtful this is.
Post # 45
Oh my god OP. I feel so bad for what your mom and step dad are putting you through. They are terrible and I would have an awful time ever dealing with them again. I would find a way to get the 6k together to give back to them asap.
Don’t let their threats of not attending phase you. At least while you’re in front of them. And do not cry. Don’t give them the satisfaction. They might say its not manipulation, but it is. And I bet they are gaslighting you too.
When they say they won’t attend you say back “I’m sorry you feel that way, we will miss you” and then turn away