(Closed) Parents can’t contribute to the wedding

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If your parents can’t contribute…well, they can’t.  I’m sure it had to be difficult for them to tell you that.  No parent wants to be unable to contribute to his or her daughter’s wedding.

That said, there are more kinds of contributions than financial.  Your mom can help you with writing out invitations, with picking out your dress, with just being there for you during what is often an emotional and stressful time.  There are also inexpensive but meaningful things that they probably can afford to buy for you — your cake topper or maybe your bouquet for example.  Maybe your mom could provide your “something borrowed.”

for the invites, I don’t know that they really indicate who is paying anymore.  I’m not sure it is any guest’s business who paid for what.  There is no reason the invites can’t read

Mr. and Mrs. Bride Parents

and

Mr. and Mrs. Groom Parents

request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their children

Bride

and

Groom

(or something similar). Both sets of parents are contributing…just maybe in different ways.

 

Post # 4
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

i’m sorry you’re feeling this way.  I have to say that these days the old traditions of who pays have really gone out the window.  I think the people who should pay are the ones who want to and the ones who can afford it.  I don’t think anyone will look down on you or your family for not being able to contribute, (at least I would never ever do so).

Post # 5
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

No one other than you and your parentals need to know the financial situation.  I’m in the same situation – just reversed.  My parents are contributing, his aren’t because the means aren’t there, and that’s ok.  I think he should sit with his parents and make it clear that although they might not be able to give any money, they are still the parents and should still be involved.  There’s nothing wrong with including both sets of parents (or neither) on the invitation, rather than singling out one side.  No invitation wording is set in stone.

I know it can be very frustrating and I’m sorry you have to go through this.  Regardless of what happens, make sure that both MILs ard Future In-Laws are involved where you want them to be, and always include both, instead of just the one contributing.  Everyone involved needs to have the same understanding and things will get easier.

Post # 6
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It’s small in the scheme of things, but I agree your guests don’t need to know at all who is financially backing the wedding.  I think you can still do both of your parents names on your invites or else you can say “together with their parents”.

I think it’s even more appropriate that your FI’s parents are helping out if they are the ones that want a big wedding.  Go easy on your parents, I am sure it isn’t easy for them either!

Post # 8
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I concur with everyone else. Neither of our parents can afford to contribute. That doesn’t mean we won’t recognize them in the ceremony. However our invitations said:

M + J invite you to celebrate their union… blah blah blah

 

Post # 9
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You and your Fiance should go together to his parents (or just him if that’s more comfortable) and ask dollar amount. I know that seems a bit…uncouth…but you can’t realistically plan a wedding without a budget.

Of course it could be that they expect you both to pay for it and they offer to pay for certain things once they know the cost. So you might be better off figuring out what the two of you can afford first and then if they offer to pay for certain things you can add on later (more flowers or food).

This might end up being a better option because if you’re paying for it, it allows you to set limits (guest list, etc). Then if they insist that you MUST have certain things at the wedding you can simply say it’s unaffordable (at this point they could chip in or forget it).

Post # 11
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My FI’s brother is getting married next month and they are paying for the wedding entirely on their own.  Still though, they included both sets of parents names.

I think it would be appropriate to sit down with FI’s parents and thank them profusely but also ask how they would feel if you included your parents name on the invitation as well as theirs.  Since they are offering to pay, which is not traditionally at all, they sound like very generous people and I’m sure they would be fine with including your parents names as well.

Post # 12
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree with Neva. It’s unfortunate that they couldn’t contribute financially for the wedding, but there are other ways to help. My parents are divorced, and my Dad remarried. My Mom couldn’t afford to help with the wedding, but she and her friend are throwing the bridal shower instead of my Maid/Matron of Honor because she wanted to contribute somehow.

I also think it’s a good idea (like everyone else said) to talk to FI’s parents about the invitation. That’s something I did with my parents, which understandably is less awkward than FI’s parents. I asked my Dad and Stepmom if my Mom could still be on the invitation even though she wasn’t contributing. It all worked out. My invites say:

Mr. and Mrs. TerpBride

and

Ms. TerpBride Mom

blah blah blah.

But theres also that style that’s like

Mr. and Mrs. Groom’s parents

invite you to the blah blah blah between

Groom

and Bride,

daughter of Mr. and Mrs.

 

That might work for your invites too, because it still includes your parents, but the in-laws are still the hosts.

Post # 13
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Aww, and I’m sorry about your parents. My mom can be the same way. My Dad makes significantly more money so he bought my car and paid for college, but she couldn’t contribute even a little.. But then her and her boyfriend purchased NFL season tickets. Bleh. Oh well, I hope your situation clears up! Vague budgets are a pain because then you have to run every little thing past them instead of budgeting on your own..

Good luck!!

Post # 14
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

it is your wedding after all. You are an adult and we don’t expect our parents to pay for our cars, our babies or our medical bills. It’s your day and you and your future should take care of it as adults. you can ptu his parents names as the ones to anounce the wedding. no biggie.

Post # 15
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I have to tell you that as I started reading your post I thought I was reading something I had written. My Fiance comes from a huge Dutch family and since I got engaged my parents have almost gone bankrupt- good thing I saved while I was on my internship last year (junior) of college. Because of them not being able to contribute (after promising me they would be able to) my mom was so upset with all of it that she wasn’t able to even contribute emotionally or creatively. Anyway, I’ve found that I just accepted that my story wasn’t as traditional as most, but that’s ok. No matter what happens from now till next year when you’re married- what’s most important is that you’re getting married and starting a new life together πŸ™‚ 

Post # 16
Member
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I completely understand!!! Except it’s a bit of a struggle for us, because FI’s family sa us down the day we got engaged and said that they would like to contribute 1/3, have my parents contribute 1/3, and us 1/3.  My family is the large family, but they are also very poor, and are not working (either of them) as they are both battling cancer right now.  We sat FI’s family down to talk to them about it, and have agreed that Fiance and I will pay for 2/3 of the wedding, and his family is still wanting to contribute 1/3, even though they have the small family, which is great!  My parents have always struggled with money, so we just moved forward, and are okay with paying that amount.

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