Post # 1
So I haven’t been the most emotionally stable lately. Something about being 24 weeks pregnant, the 10 inches of snow outside (and its STILL snowing!) and chasing a 2 year old has gotten the best of me. So bare with me ladies through my emotional times!
I wasn’t sure where to post this. It is about my pregnancy so I thought I would post it in ‘Babies’ but its more emotional for me then anything. So unfortunetly my Grandfather was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer this past May. He wasn’t given long and actually had to miss my wedding. Up until the day before the wedding I was at the hospital checking up on him and making sure he knew that hes very well thought of and will be the very first person to get pictures from my wedding. And he was. He recieved all the best pics even before I did! So needless to say he is VERY important to me and theres nothing I wouldn’t do to honor him…well thats where this part comes in. Just a FYI he is still alive and fighten, which is something we all are SO thankful for!
I am due for my second child in March. I have to have another repeat C-section do to medical reasons so it has to be scheduled. My husband and I both wanted March 17 immidietly. We all (myself, hubby and son) were born on holidays and I wanted so bad to have a little St. Patricks baby. Plus I know no one who has that birthday. When my parents found out about this they pretty much looked at me in disgust that I wouldn’t have my baby on my grandfathers birthday. (March 23). My dad pretty much laid a TON of guilt on me how I am my grandfathers favorite grandchild and how he would be so happy if I did that and I pretty much would be dis-respecting my grandfather if I didn’t. Okay, so way to make me feel like the worst person on earth! My problems with doing this are; March 23 is not ONLY my grandfathers birthday but another one of my friends, and a “friend” who enjoys treating me like crap. I told my mom and dad that I want my daughter to have her own day and if something happened to where my grandfather didn’t make it until the birth that I didn’t want that day to be tarnished. I want it to be a happy day and I just know that it will be filled of my father guilt tripping me into making sure we talk allll day about my grandfather. (yes I have those types of over controlling, over bearing, guilt tripping parents that landed me in therapy for around 5 years)
Its not that I wouldn’t do this for my grandfather. Its just that this is my daughter too. She will always know about him and see pictures and hear stories. I will always honor and respect him. I just don’t want my daughters day to be a shadow of his, which is what my parents (especially dad) will make it out to be.
I know if I stand my ground and do March 17 that the whole day I will be reminded of what I did. I can just imagine right now being in recovery and my dad walking up to me saying how my grandpa would of been so much happier if I waited. Grr… I’m seriously tired of living my whole life in guilt!
What should I do? Just cave in and do it? Thanks for listening once again ladies!
Post # 3
Oh, I am an evil person for even suggesting this….but could you just tell them you are at least considering the 23rd (you are…you may have ruled it out, but you are thinking about it), but when the time comes, maybe (omg I can’t believe I’m advising this, but my parents sometimes act this way too) have an appointment with your ob/gyn a few days before the 17th…and tell your parents the doctor recommends for health reasons that you do the c-section sooner rather than later (purely for mental health reasons – YOURS!).
OK, seriously, I can’t recommend this, but I do agree with the other posters that this is your decision and your husband’s — not your parents. You are the parents of this child and if you and your husband feel that you want your baby to not share a birthday with a family member, then they are way out of line for making you feel bad about your decision.
Post # 4
stand your ground. it’s your body and your baby. tell your parents that you want march 23 to be a day just about your grandfather
Post # 5
Honestly I can’t imagine your grandfather being upset over this….or being “so much happier” if you’d chosen to have your baby on his birthday as well. I’m sure he just wants you to be happy. You are choosing your child’s birthday, that’s your perogative as a parent, and you need to tell your parents to lay off the guilt trip, that their opinions don’t matter in this anymore. They don’t–it’s your and your husband’s decision. Choosing to NOT have your child on his birthday is not disrespectful in the least. I can’t even fathom how your parents rationalized this.
Post # 6
Gosh no, do not cave in. I agree with all the reasons you posted; in fact as I was reading your post, I thought that “No, they should get their own day!” If your grandfather were to pass, people often mourn the birthdays as well and that would taint the happiness, I feel.
I think I would create boundaries surrounding your birth; if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it. And if you do say anything about it not being the 23rd, you’ll be asked to leave. Just create boundaries that you are comforable with and then enforce them.
You are the parents- YOU decide.
Post # 7
Its SO good to hear others see my point! You have no idea how relieved that makes me feel!
@Neva: You are totally NOT evil for suggesting that! I’ve also thought about doing that too. I sorta wish I told them the doctor just had to pic based on her schedule.
Post # 8
Let me just start out by saying that I think you should stand your ground.
I share my dad’s birthday, so I definitely think it would be special if your daughter and her great-grandpa had the same birthday. It is so special sharing that day with my dad. That being said, your grandpa is very ill and may not be around for many of your daughter’s birthdays. Having her on that day may make her birthday be more about your grandpa’s passing than about your daughter’s birth.
My suggestion: Tell your parents that that day is very special to your grandpa, and you want that to be his birthday for forever. You may also mention to your parents that this issue is a pretty pathetic thing to be arguing about while your grandfather is sick. Remind them that in the–potentially–last months of your grandfather’s life, that you do not want him to remember you and your parents fighting, especially about something that is, on the whole, pretty silly (I’m not meaning to belittle your situation, just hoping that your parents can see how childish they’re being). Most parents don’t get to choose the birthdays of their children. Heck, it could happen that you go into labor well before the 17th even and have to have a c-section earlier–it’s what happened when I was born. Please suggest to your parents that you use this time to be thankful for the new life that’s due in March and to celebrate the life of your grandfather! Good luck!
As a side note and purely out of curiosity… what are the holidays that the other three of you were born on?
Post # 9
Going to go with the stick to your gut and say it’s health reasons thing. I wouldn’t want my baby to be born on the same day as an ailing grandparent because I imagine it will be bittersweet for everyone who knew/knows/will know both.
Also – I think it’s cute to have your baby follow YOUR family tradition of Holiday bdays. Now you are your own little family unit and your parents should respect that. I can see my parents trying this too if they ever had the chance – and what I’ve learned is they will get over it, whereas you might have built-up anger with it for a LONG time. I vote March 17th!! It’s adorable anyways.
Post # 10
I really want to agree with you, but I can understand your parents side as well.
Post # 11
I completely disagree with your family. Stand your ground! It is your body, your baby.
Post # 12
I was born (by nature, not choice) on both my grandmother and great grandmother’s birthdays. I don’t think that it really bonded me to them, or them to me, any more than our relationship bonds us anyways ya know? I mean sure it was always a fun factoid but really— it doesn’t matter. stand your ground.
Post # 13
Go with the 23rd…it’s my bday as well hahahaha
Honestly I would stick with the 17th. After my grandfather passed away his birthday became a very somber day for me and my family. I am sure if I had a child on the same day my family would be overjoyed with the new baby but that feeling of my grandfather not being there on his birthday would always be there. Flat out tell them that you are happy with the choice you have made and you will not be discussing it any further.
Post # 14
Go with what is healthiest for your child. It may even be a non issue, as she/he might not be ready yet by the 17th or labor might start on its own another day. Just tell your parents, when it happens it happens!
Post # 15
Thank you again everyone! It DOES feel sooo good to have support on this! Theres nothing worse then feeling like your totally disrespecting your family.
@Oribel013690: Well I was born on Mothers day, my son was Fathers day and my hubby, well…. hes an April fools baby. haha
Post # 16
MissFlipFlops- I would totally stand my ground if I was you. I like your tradition of holiday birthdays. I agree that you may go into labor before that day, but just saying. I agree that you should tell your parents that your doctor, said that for health reasons you should give birth before then. I also agree that it will be a bittersweet day if you do have her on your grandfathers birthday, because people will be thinking that if your grandfather was still alive he would be whatever age, and then probably get sad. You don’t want your daughter to get stuck with that. Go with what you want, because if you go with what your parents want, you will be making them happy, not yourself, and do you really want to be unhappy with your choice every year when your daughters birthday comes, and people are mourning your grandfather instead? I certainly wouldn’t. Your parents will get over it, and no one can say that your grandfather would be happier if you had her on his birthday besides him. Your parants can not speak for him, only he can speak for himself. He actually might be more mad at his child for making his favorite granddaughter feel guitly, haha. Take care, and I hope your grandfather fights through this.