(Closed) Parents controlling: offer to pay for the wedding then takes the money away!!!

posted 5 years ago in Money
Post # 4
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Lepagano:  One thing I’ve learned is that it isn’t always wise to plan an event with someone else’s money…particularly in your case where your mom has already shown you that she’s fickle with it. I would tell your mom she can forget paying for it and then you and your fiance can work on your relationship. Once you’re ready to move forward ONLY do what the two of you can afford. Don’t get reeled back into your mom’s wallet because she sounds manipulative and nobody needs that added stress. Money causes issues in so many relationships/families and it’s not worth it!

Post # 5
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

One important life lesson I’ve learned is this – when you have a fight with your SO and you go and tell someone else (friend, parent, etc) they won’t forget. So even long after you’ve made up with your SO, the person you told will always remember and will usually harbor resentment/hard feelings. Keep that in mind when communicating to your mother about your SO in the future.

Post # 7
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

On the one hand:  Although your mother seems to be wayy too controlling as I’m assuming you are of age and therefore can make your own decisions, the reality is that many times the people surrounding us see things more clearly than we do.  What do your friends think? Siblings etc? Is it just your parents? Or do people generally see many problems within your relationship?  Maybe you should try to see things objectively, how they would look from the outside WITHOUT all the feelings you have for you fiance (I know its hard, but love makes everything subjective).

 

On the other hand: I think its reasonable for your parents to contribute to your wedding, however they don’t seem to like your fiance very much, or they are just having trouble letting you go, so I personally wouldn’t accept their money with so many strings attached.  It should be a GIFT, not a CONDITION, so I think your parents are actually behaving with great immaturity in that respect, but it is their money so I guess the only thing you can do is choose to accept or reject it.

 

PS: I obviously don’t think its right for them to condition “if you don’t postpone your wedding, we won’t give you the money”, however like I mentioned before, do they have a point?  Are you and your fiance compatible? Are you ready to spend your whole life together?  Do you love/respect eachother and treat eachother well?  Have you been with him long enough to know this? If your (and his) answer is yes to all of these questions then I would go ahead with a more intimate wedding and pay for it yourselves, I would also talk to my parents, they may be trying to help just in a very bad way, sometimes communication is the best option.  However, if after talking to them you realize it’s just about controlling your life, you need to make it known you’re a big girl and can make your own decisions.  Obviously its hard to say without knowing WHY you want to postpone your wedding, whether it is a big issue or not but I would do what I’ve mentioned previously.  I really hope this helps, and as far as not being able to invite all those people, you could have a really small ceremony in a cheap/free location (national parks etc) with just friends and family and invite everyone to your reception but just have a cocktail party rather than a sit down dinner (mention this in the invites), or a desert event would be nice too, and you wouldn’t lose your 5k deposit!  Another option is you could always elope and send a letter to those invited as to why you are doing this (basically some romantic poem without mentioning anything too personal or about your parents since this could blow over).  Another option could also be to have a normal ceremony and then just have a cocktail party, with just drinks and a lot of dancing (maybe snacks/canapes too) and this can be done in your existing location or a new one.

 

Post # 8
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Yo, chick, you don’t need your parents money or blessing or Jack SQUAT to get married, except the $25 application fee and an officant. Nothing else matters if you really want to marry this guy. Nothing else. 

Plan the wedding you can afford and if you really want to marry him you will find a way yourselves.

Move out of your parents house, live WITHIN your means and plan the wedding you can afford/

Post # 9
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Lepagano:  If you’ve already sent the save the dates and have decided to postpone the wedding, it’s best to let those people know there’s a change of plans ASAP. You don’t have to explain why at all, so don’t feel pressured to give a long drawn out explanation. Also, whenever you guys are ready to get married, you don’t have to feel pressured to invite all the people you were originally inviting. We originally had over 130 people on our list. We never sent out save the dates, but we did spread it by word of mouth. However, a lot of things have happened and we’ve changed our plans. We’re probably only having about 30 people altogether now. I can’t be bothered worrying about if the other 100 people will be upset because it’s not that serious to me. I mean, they’re entitled to their feelings but I’m not going to let that control what I do. See what I’m saying? People will get over it and at the end of the day you want to be happily married with everything paid off…not married with debt, or nothing left in savings!

You should probably consider downsizing tremendously and having an intimate wedding. Or maybe you could elope and have an awesome honeymoon all in one. There’s more options available to you than just a traditional wedding. Best of luck!

Post # 10
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Lepagano:  

I can relate a bit. My parents offered the money and then pulled it away. Not because they didn’t like my Fiance, but they didn’t like the direction I was going in, for my wedding (I wanted small and intimate. They wanted to invite all their friends I didn’t know). My parents have ALSO disowned me before, for really stupid reasons (they didn’t agree with my career choice). They are extremely controlling and manipulating when they pretend that they aren’t and that it’s all in my head. 

 

However, I WAS making my own money. I had my own career, a great resume, good education, my own business, I had life all together, my parents just weren’t happy I wasn’t exactly a doctor, lawyer, or banker (I’m a tech entrepreneur). I think it makes sense for your parents to want you to move out of the house to start living on your own. I also think it is reasonable for them to want you to work things out with your Fiance. They are still parents and it sounds like they care about you. 

 

 

My Fiance and I ultimately got together and determined a budget that would work for us, and planned the wedding assuming that budget. Eventually my parents came around and gave the money again, but by that time I had thrown all my visions of my dream wedding away and I was happy with the downsized version. Tell all the people you sent Save the Dates to that you will have to postpone, you don’t need to explain yourselves, your friends will be there for you no matter what.

 

I’d say, plan a wedding you can afford. Money with strings comes at a great emotional toll and having been in your shoes, I wouldn’t take it. 

Post # 12
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Lepagano:  Thanks for replying so clearly.  Honestly, but what I can tell, you seem to be very level headed and I understand having children is a make or break issue for you.  My partner wants children and I’m not quite sure yet, I’m very young at the moment and although I love children, they are a huge life-long commitment and it is a decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  Hence why I’m not sure and I don’t think I will be until the time comes where I’m ready but then again I have quite a bit of time to figure that out.  Due to that, I think that its great that you’re taking your time to figure out what you both really want in life, and it seems that your parents are the only ones objecting to this relationship.  I would talk to them, even if its just to get closure (is it really worth having parents like that in your and your FI’s life?) or in the best case scenario to let them know how you feel and hopefully they can apologize for their attitude.  I know they may not make you feel that way, but you seem to have your life together as a successful adult and you are by far good enough.  Obviously make sure that he wants to have children FOR HIM and not for you, I tell you this because I’ve always had the feeling my dad decided to have my brother and I, because its what my mum wanted (she never pressured him or anything) but because of that he hasn’t been the greatest father and has always lived for himself rather than putting us first (ever). 
Do what you feel is right, it seems that you’re ready (or getting there) to get married and if your Fiance is ready too, that is what matters.  Like other Bees have said, you can always just down-size it’s your wedding after all, or one of the options I mentioned before.  Just think about it this way, how accomplished are you going to feel when both of you contribute to your own wedding? Sure, its nice to get that gift, but in these circumstances, its not worth it.  Smile

Post # 13
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Lepagano:  Thanks for replying so clearly.  Honestly, by what I can tell, you seem to be very level headed and I understand having children is a make or break issue for you.  My partner wants children (although he doesn’t mind if we decide not to have any) and I’m not quite sure yet, I’m very young at the moment and although I love children, they are a huge life-long commitment and it is a decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly.  Hence why I’m not sure and I don’t think I will be until the time comes where I’m ready but then again I have quite a bit of time to figure that out.  Due to that, I think that its great that you’re taking your time to figure out what you both really want in life, and it seems that your parents are the only ones objecting to this relationship.  I would talk to them, even if its just to get closure (is it really worth having parents like that in your and your FI’s life?) or in the best case scenario to let them know how you feel and hopefully they can apologize for their attitude.  I know they may not make you feel that way, but you seem to have your life together as a successful adult and you are by far good enough.  Obviously make sure that he wants to have children FOR HIM and not for you, I tell you this because I’ve always had the feeling my dad decided to have my brother and I, because its what my mum wanted (she never pressured him or anything) but because of that he hasn’t been the greatest father and has always lived for himself rather than putting us first (ever). 
Do what you feel is right, it seems that you’re ready (or getting there) to get married and if your Fiance is ready too, that is what matters.  Like other Bees have said, you can always just down-size it’s your wedding after all, or one of the options I mentioned before.  Just think about it this way, how accomplished are you going to feel when both of you contribute to your own wedding? Sure, its nice to get that gift, but in these circumstances, its not worth it.  Smile

 

Post # 14
Member
2437 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Lepagano:  I would start wedding planning all over.  I would figure out a budget with my Fi that we could afford without the help from people who want to hold it over my head.  Your wedding is about you and your celebrating your future with your husband– remember that :), it will help in moments of stress.

 

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