Parents disapprove of moving in before marriage

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1937 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You don’t. You realize that you are a grown adult who makes her own decisions. You do whats best for you, not what your parents want. Tell them that you are an adult and make your own choices and this is your decision. 

I also recommend not living with them in the meantime as that gives the impression that they get a say in your comings and goings. Instead just live with your boyfriend in his apartment temporarily before you move together somewhere. Put your extra furniture in storage. 

Post # 3
Member
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

You move in with him as and when you both are comfortable with. They don’t really get a say

Ask them why they are against it

I had a similar situation with my parents and they were worried about my ‘lack of security’ for if there was engagement/marriage then I’d have some protection if he locked the doors on me during a break up, especially with moving out of the same town as them.

I told them I understood where they were coming from bit for us it was the first step towards our commitment for life. I reassured them that it was a trial period and if it wasn’t going anywhere then I’d move out within the year. We lived together 9 months and he proposed, less than two years later we were married. It doesn’t work like that for everyone but it did for us

Make sure your parents know that you’ve thought it through and there is a plan B if plan A doesn’t work

Post # 4
Member
570 posts
Busy bee

Same and I did it anyway, and everyone survived and dealt with it. You don’t need a blessing at 26.

(when we visit my parents (out of state) we still sleep in separate rooms as an engaged couple 😂)

Post # 5
Member
10542 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If you were raised Catholic it’s probably just leftover from that even if they aren’t still religious or practicing. Though it doesn’t really matter why they disapprove. You don’t need their permission or approval to move in with your boyfriend. 

My brother ran into a similar problem with our parents (well my mom, my dad didn’t care) when he moved in with his then-girlfriend, now wife. My mom flipped out about it. Caused a bunch of stupid drama over it. For a point they weren’t really talking. But she got over it and now it’s all pretty much forgotten. It was stupid of her to get upset about it and it would have been ridiculous of my brother to give into her, I think that would have actually caused more problems long term in that giving in would have made her think she gets a say in how their relationship works or how he, as an adult, chooses to live. There was a few months of drama but now it’s over and a clear boundary has been established there.

Post # 6
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You need to realize there will be times where your life decisions conflict with your parents’ ideas of how you should live.   This is simply a part of being an adult.  Make your decision and don’t make excuses or apologize for it.  If they are healthy parents they will realize that its your life to live and they’ll eventually get over it.

 

Post # 7
Member
1538 posts
Bumble bee

If I took into account how every family member felt about the personal decisions I chose to make in my life, I wouldn’t be where I am right now – happy, married, pregnant.  You do you, boo.  You don’t owe anyone an explanation, period.  You are an independent adult who has the luxury of doing exactly as she pleases – embrace it.

Post # 8
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Let them know that you are an adult so you will make the decision that you feel is best for you. My family was totally dramatic when I moved with my now husband to another state and we started living together. However, it wasn’t up to them because I was an adult! 

Post # 9
Hostess
4550 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
@virgo94:  My parents are very religious and VERY judgey about my friends moving in with S.O.’s before marriage.  I was really not looking forward to breaking it to them when my D.H. (S.O. at the time) and I decided to move in together, but it was what we both wanted.  I just dropped it into a conversation as a done deal “S.O. and I signed a lease on this super cute place!  You’ll have to come see it when you come visit!”  They honestly handled it a lot better than I expected, and even if they had not, we were firm in our decision, and it would not have changed our minds.  I do sympathize.  I would’ve definitely felt hurt if my parents had made the same comments to me that they made about my friends.  It sucks when our parents have different opinions on our life decisions, but if you and your S.O. are happy with this decision, stand firm. 

And even though you didn’t ask, make sure if you value marriage that you discuss that specifically with your S.O. before moving in.  One of my friends just assumed moving in was a step toward marriage and she’s still waiting 5 years later, resentment building every day.  I don’t want that to happen to you! 

Post # 10
Member
1959 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

My sister with BPD is dating a serious ass. He’s 20 years old and doesn’t even have a driving permit, let alone a license. He has no job and isn’t planning on ever going to college. He just plays video games and watches anime all day. 

I absolutely understand their fears about her possibly moving in with him. Maybe your parents just have a completely valid fear of something and they’re just trying to word it, though are unsuccessful. If you care about what they think, try to sit them down and ask for detailed information about what they fear, and try to reassure them. 

Otherwise, PPs are right. They have no say, and you don’t NEED to assure them of anything. You’re a grown woman!

Post # 11
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Going back to your parents house for the gap gives them the impression that they have some say in your life. They still see you as a child and dependent, obviously. I assume you are indepdendent from them and have your own income? 

If so, I would recommend packing up all of the things you don’t need for the short term, renting a storage unit for a few months, and just staying with your boyfriend for the next while. It will be almost like a “trial run” of living together. Then, you can search for your “together” place and pull your furniture out of storage. You’re already going to have to live it twice… why move it to your parents?  Just skip that step. 

 

Post # 12
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

You have to make your own decisions and be confident in them. However, I don’t think moving in with them temporarily and having opposing views on this is a good idea. You’re a grown adult but living under their roof puts you in a weird spot of having to either disrespect their wishes or give up some independence. It gives them more say in your personal life. I get that options are limited but would try to find another alternative. 

Post # 13
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
@virgo94:  Having grown up with parents who share the same views, I can tell you that nothing you say will change their minds on this. This is what they believe. So, keep in mind that if you go to live with them for a while, you’re under their roof and their rules. If you can’t follow them, it’s best that you live with your boyfriend while you wait to move or find other living arrangements. 

Post # 14
Member
4106 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
@virgo94:  You say nothing. You are 26 years old. They are free to voice their opinions (no matter how silly they are), but you do not need to pay any attention to it. If they don’t want to move in together before marriage – cool, they don’t need to do it. It’s none of their business. 

Personally, knowing that these are their views, I would not move home with them. If they are going to try and dictate where you go and how you spend your evenings, it’s best to find an alternate solution. Get a storage unit and move in with your boyfriend now. 

Post # 15
Member
243 posts
Helper bee

You can’t make them more comfortable with your plans.   If you move into their house, then you will have to follow their rules until you move out.   That means not sleeping at your boyfriends.   Its probably not worth it to move home.

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