Parents disapprove of moving in before marriage

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
13 posts
Newbee

I agree with many of the other posts. The decision should be based on you and your partner. No one knows your relationship better than the two of you. I wouldn’t recommend you move in with your parents because it will indicate to them that they have power over your relationship. Take charge and move in with your boyfriend if that’s what you want! 

Post # 17
Member
24 posts
Newbee

View original reply
@virgo94:  it’s your decision.  If you guys plan on getting married, that’s between you and him, parents don’t have the control anymore,  totally up to you 

Post # 18
Member
7786 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you move in with your parents you deal with their rules. 

Are you still dependent upon them for financial support? Are they helping to pay for your wedding? Are you just concerned about what they will think of you or are you also concerned about losing their money?

Post # 19
Member
364 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like your parents are afraid of something. It’s hard to give advice without knowing your dianamic with your parents.  I don’t however, see an issue with sitting down with them and having a calm thoughtful conversation about their reasonings. Saying what you basically said here and then allowing them the freedom to tell you their reasoning. I have a feeling if they feel heard and get whatever reassurance they need they will lighten up a bit. Maybe they don’t want him to stay the night and are afraid that will happen?

I do take notice of the fact that they potentially could have power over you (that is an odd power dynamic for your age) where you go really should be something you tell them if you wish ya know? Hopefully, you all have the relationships that allow for this type of conversation. 

If after the conversation, after you hear their side and get to the bottom of it then you can take a bit to decide. If they absolutely wont bend then moving back home may not honestly be reasonable. 

Also remember that your parents love you more then anyone else on the earth and it’s never a bad idea to hear them out. But after you have, and you still can’t come to a mutual agreement then you need to do what you think is best. 

Post # 20
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’m surprised by all the people who are saying that if you do decide to live with your parents you have to follow “their rules”. Whether you live in their house or not, your parents don’t make rules for you anymore! You’re an adult. I think it’s fair that they can decide who stays over at their house, so they could decline to have your boyfriend spend the night, but they truly cannot stop you from spending the night at his place. All they can do is tell you that you’re not welcome to stay with them anymore.

I think you put it to your parents like this: “if you’re open to having me stay with you for a few months I’d be really grateful. That said, I do plan to spend the night with him regularly throughout that time. Spending nights together is an important part of our relationship, and not something that’s negotiable. Knowing that, am I still welcome to live at home?  If not, I’ll need to make other plans.”

When I was VERY young (21) and moving back to my home city after university I decided to move in with my boyfriend of the time rather than returning to my parent’s house — mostly because his place was cheap, and I wanted the freedom from their helicoptering ways. My parents aren’t prudish about sex/living together before marriage, but they did heavily question if this was a good idea or not. Well, obviously I did it anyway, but the main consequence of their objections was that when my relationship wasn’t going great I couldn’t bear the thought of proving them right, so even though at that point I would have LOVED to leave the guy and move home i stubbornly stuck it out for several extra months. Moral of the story being that my parents’ objections achieved the opposite of what they would have hoped! 

 

Post # 21
Member
2672 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
@denkyem:  PPs are saying the same thing you’re saying. If OP lives with her parents, and doesn’t follow their rules, they’ll likely not allow her to stay. That’s what we mean by their house, their rules.

I was spending nights with my husband back when we were dating and when we were engaged, while I was living with my parents and paying rent to them. It got to the point that they said I could either live with them and abide by their rules, or move out. So, 1 month before my wedding, I moved in with my husband. 

Post # 22
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

Your parents know that even when you and your boyfriend lived in separate apartments, you most likely didn’t spend your time together chastely holding hands.  Moving in together makes it more difficult for them to close their eyes, stick fingers in their ears and scream “LALALALA NOT THINKING ABOUT IT.”

It’s a “them” problem, not a “you” problem.  Live your life the way you see fit.

Post # 23
Member
876 posts
Busy bee

If your parents don’t approve of people living together before marriage, your parents should make sure not to live with somebody before they get married. 

Post # 24
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee

I think parents always get a bad rap for not wanting certain things but as you get older you do see things differently. 1. You’ve seen many couples live together and break up. 2. They may wonder why you would choose living together over marraige. At 25 and 26 you are old enogh to get married. If you are so sure of your relationship, why aren’t you getting married? If you don’t want marriage that’s fine. Biut as you get older you see many women suffer because they want marriage and their boyfriends don’t. 4. As a parent you want your children to have the best. Sometimes it is nice to enjoy the single life before you get into marriage or a long term relationship. 5. It is popular now to live together, buy a house together, etc. Often these things do not work out. Married people have more legal protection than those who live together. Why not sit down and ask your parents what about living together really bothers them. Then listen.. Of course, you can choose what you want. But they have years of wisdom and experience that you don’t. They also may have doubts about your boyfriend. They may like him but they might not be sure he is the right one for you on a long term basis. Parents look deeper and want the best person for their adult child. Sometimes they see things that you can’t see. Be your own person but be open to their perspective if you can. I would plan a lunch with just the three of you and sit down and talk about it.

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