(Closed) Parents divorcing after wedding…

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 18
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I truly applude your Mom’s devotion to her family. Yes it would have been much easier if she had not said anything to you at all but obviously she feels close enough to you to speak her mind. She probably has been unhappy for many years and has put off obtaining her freedom so your wedding will be spared the divorce drama.

As for wanting her to wait another two years, well she has been waiting 30 years to pursue happiness and finally sees the light at the end of the tunnel. Your brother is old enough to handle the reality of a divorce so let it be. Focus on your wedding and creating YOUR happy family.

An unhappy woman who sacrificed over half of her life for her family is selfish? Because the timing isn’t right for everyone else? Guess what? At her age she probably wants to break free and celebrate life before she gets too old to be able to do anything.

Post # 19
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@Bride2Be929:  Here goes some really unwelcome input: I think it’s really alarming that you’re eager to spend $17,000 of their money right before they go through a divorce. Unless your parents are very wealthy and have tons of savings, that’s a chunk of money one of them might really need, if not for lawyers and a second home, then possibly for therapy or any other unexpected expenses this may throw at them. I know they offered up money, but your dad doesn’t even know the conditions in place now.

Also I think your mom has been confiding in you because she wants your support, and it’s not fair for you to resent her in anticipation of your brother’s and father’s resentment. That’s their issue (which they may or may not have), you’re only responsible for your own feelings. Your mom is trying to come to you as a friend and reach out when she’s going through something huge. Please be fair towards her, the woman raised you through thick and thin.

Post # 20
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

As a parent, I feel terrible that your mom put you in this position. This is an issue between your parents and it definately isn’t your job to carry this secret/burden. I can’t imagine ever putting my kids in that position. I would tell that you don’t want to talk about it any longer when she brings it up nd encourage her to keep her problems with your dad between the two of them (hopefully this is something they will both be able to do while they divorce, it makes everything much easier on everyone.)

I don’t think you are selfish for hoping they would work things out if they had more time, or in wanting your wedding to be over before your family goes through this.  Divorce really does bring out a lot of emotions and completely changes the dynamic of a family, I don’t think anyone would want to go through that while planning and celebrating their wedding.

Post # 22
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Bride2Be929:  It sounds like your mother has sacrificed quite a bit for her family. And while you may think it is selfishof her I think you need to look at it from her point of view. If you had married a man you didn’t love, but hoped one day you might, then almost 30 years later you finally decided that the children were old enough that you could move on and you can’t.

And I disagree that she wasn’t forced to stay. It sounds like she was forced to stay, for you. She finally got up the courage to leave, which is actually harder than staying, and you asked her not to. You said she hasn’t worked in over 16 years, do you have any idea how hard it is to find a job anywhere with that kind of gap? Do you think this will be easy on her? I doubt your father will still be willing too support her when she walks out the door and she knows that and I doubt she is expecting it.

I may be in the minority here and you may not like what I have to say, but I think what you did was wrong. Knowing your mother is unhappy and then getting upset with her because of it seems wrong to me. You put her in this position. She came to you hoping you would be understanding and probably thought you would be there for her. It was just the opposite. Please try to look at it from her side instead of yours or your fathers. Think about your life in those shoes. And money desn’t buy happiness, in fact most times I find hte more money there is the more unhappy people tend to be.

Post # 23
Member
4346 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013
Post # 24
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

 I think the point to her thread was that she was worried about how this is going to play out with her father (unless I misunderstood?). I don’t think she needs anyone’s opinions on if she is wrong for hoping her mother would work it out by the wedding since it seeeeeeemed like it was a rash decision on her mom’s part.  Come on, she’s hurting too.  Let’s try not to tell her that she’s a bad person for being hopeful. 

Post # 25
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@Bride2Be929:  i completely understand your feelings and i also agree with the way in which you have chosen to handle this. I don’t think asking your mother to wait was selfish, some people may see it as this, but not me. I would have given my right arm to have my parents together a little longer my mum’s timing wasn’t great either, she decided to leave my dad whislt me and my brother were sitting our exams. I think she could have waited. i was obviously much younger than you are and after time i realsied  she had her reasons for her timings although i still don’t agree with them. i hope you manage to maintain a good relationship with both of your parents and your brothers, i know this is going to be hard for all of you. 

 

i hope you manage to put this to the back of your mind on your big day and hopefully one day you will except this as your mothers need to find herself. i think she may have chosen to confide in you because she may have hoped you would understand, surely she sees the love between you and your Fiance and wants this for herself. 

 

the one thing i have learnt from my parents divorce is that i would rather my parents apart and happy, than together and not, i wish for both of your parents to find happiness, i know your dad already is but i hope he manages to find light at the end of this dark tunnel and experience this happiness again. good luck to all your family.

Post # 27
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Tell both of your parents, especially your mom, to keep you out of it. Don’t let either of them talk to you about the other one or the divorce. This divorce will be hard for everyone involved, but realize that this is something that your parents alone need to handle. Also try to be less judgemental of your mom, there’s probably a lot more to the story than you are aware of. Throughout the divorce and afterwards, make a conscious effort to keep your relationship with each parent separate from their relationship with each other.

Post # 29
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Bride2Be929:  I did not bash you. I asked you to look at it from her point of view. I purposefully kept what I said very nice considering it is not what you want to hear.

And you yourself said her comments were hurting you. If that doesn’t translate to upset then perhaps I used the wrong word. I am not trying to attack you, just trying to make you realize that this is more difficult for her than it is for you. I am just asking that you keep that in mind.

My parents are divorced so I have been down that road. My dad split up with his long time girlfriend right before my wedding and then got back together with her. I personally would never dream of asking him to change his life to better suit mine. It made things awkward as hell. But it is his life and not mine. I guess that is where I am coming from.

Post # 31
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@Bride2Be929:  

I understand that. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that now is the time that you have to realize that it is going to happen. After a year and half (and honestly your mom has probably been thinking about it longer than that), you have to accept that she has thought it through and made a decision. Accepting this isn’t easy, but you can make it a little better if you refuse to let either parent vent to you about their relationship and you stop letting yourself hope they’ll get back together. Good luck!

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