Post # 1
- Wedding: Los Coyotes Country Club
Long story short my parents are splitting up. Dad moved out and mom changed the locks. I’m an adult and don’t live at home, yet I still feel like my world has completely shifted. I wasn’t blindsided by the announcement but the reality of it leaves me feeling numb. I want my parents to be happy but I’m still sad and feel guilty because I dont welcome this change.
Are there any bees whose parents divorced after they were adults? Any advice or good books to read about this?
Post # 2
My parents divorced when I was an adult, but I was not blindsided. My parents never argued and got along great. My father started a new job and I started to notice a change. I actually commented on this to my mother, but she even says now she was in denial (she saw it too). He ended up leaving about a year later. it was tough but not as tough as it would have been a year and a half earlier.
I don’t have much for advice other than do not let either one of them talk trash about the other to you. Stay neutral. If you need someone to talk to you can always find a support group.
You;ll get through this. So sorry. Hugs! Hope someone comes around with better advice than me.
Post # 3
My parents divorced over a year ago – I am an adult and well it was a mess! I knew it was a long time coming but the way it came about was hard. They sold the house within two weeks of personal agreement on percentage based settlement (without the need of mitigation) and both lived with me and my Darling Husband for a few months and separate rooms. Dad moved overseas to family and my mother is still around though no longer living with us. Interesting situation to say the least Darling Husband and I have spent the last year or so helping them. We helped them sell their stuff, move furniture, sold two cars, allowed them to stay with us and are still storing alot of house items they were unable to sell (photos etc).
I look back and though I feel it could have gone differently I am happy for both my parents. They are adults and this is what they wanted. I am happy I supported them and helped when they needed it. (we are a small family and live internationally from family) I thought it would be difficult but to be honest other than their own perspectives and some personal issues the actual divorce wasnt so bad. It will be ok, it may be hard for a while and you dont have to be as supportive as I was with my parents. I wouldnt have offered to help as much as I did, or offer accommodation if I could do it over, but I did the best I could.
Just remember its nothing to do with you personally and you only have to deal with it however you feel.
Post # 4
My dad and former stepmom announced their separation a few months after I moved out for college. I was completely blind-sided. I hadn’t always gotten along with my stepmom but their relationship was always a constant in my life and it hit me very hard! I fell into a bad depression… It’s hard to even talk about it. But I eventually was able to recognize that I was depressed and sought out my doctor who prescribed anti-depressants. It helped me get back to normal and then I went off of them when I felt more stable.
That was about 7 years ago. If I could go back, I would just try to be more aware of my own feelings before it got so bad. Also, many lessons come out of their divorce and our family grew closer to Christ. If it were not for this divorce, my father would not have become the family man he is today and we would have continued out strained relationship. It’s easy to look back now and see the good. I pray you get there some day! *hugs*
Post # 5
My parents have been on the verge of divorcing a number of times the past few years, especially recently. My mom has walked out of the house and left, etc. Ultimately, I found a sort of solace in the fact that they are adults, and they make their own choices. They deserve happiness if they are not happy. It doesn’t change their love for you.
Wishing you the best, OP.
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2016 - Winery
I’m 27 and my mom is currently planning to divorce my dad. It’s been a long time coming so I wasn’t blindsided. However, I know my mom is refraining from telling my pregnant sister because she will freak out. It didn’t bother me as much as it’s probably going to bother my sister. Sometimes people just shouldn’t be married anymore. My mom is 58 years old; I didn’t want her to be in an unhappy situation anymore when it’s already gone on long enough.
I would echo the “try to remain neutral” advice. I unfortunately found out too much about why my mom wanted a divorce and I will never look at my father the same way again. It really took a toll on my emotions during an already-stressful time.
Post # 7
Mine did when I was 17. My advice is don’t get sucked into their problems. Refuse to listen to one gossip or complain about the other, refuse to be put in the middle. My parents have been divorced now for quite a long time and it still causes problems. Rearranging the family dynamic is very hard, especially when the new relationship shit show starts. Keep a diary, get a counsellor, confide in a friend. Good luck to you.
Post # 8
Although my parents didn’t divorce as an adult, I do know the exact feelings you’re having. I felt like my world was crashing down when they divorced. I was 8 years old and it bothered me for a few years. What really helped me to cope is that my parents let my brother and I go see a counselor. If you really feel that you are having a break down, start looking for a counselor. I’m so sorry and things will get better love 🙂
Post # 9
my parents divorced when I was in 7th grade. So I wasn’t an adult but I was definitely old enough to understand what was going on. When they first told me I cried but it was mainly due to the fact that I had to see my dad cry which is a tough thing to see. Also, I would have to move and I really didn’t want to move again. I never really cared that they were divorcing though. I always thought I was weird for not caring since most people are destroyed when that happens to their parents. I guess I just knew that my relationship with my parents didn’t depend on whether they were married or not. My dad would always be my dad and my mom would always be my mom. They still treated me the same and I still saw both of them all the time (my dad moved like 10-15 minutes away). On the plus side I gained a huge, sweet family on my step-mom’s side and the greatest step-dad anyone could ever ask for (and a pretty cool step-sister too).
Family gatherings and holidays did take some getting used to. It was a pain to have to go to 2 different (possibly 3-4 if you have a Fiance or husband) places on holidays. If they ever become civil you can always just make everyone come to your place. My parents get along just fine so that’s what we do now for holidays. Also, lay down some rules right from the start. You aren’t going to be the middle man between your parents and you refuse to listen to them talk shit about each other (if this seems to be a problem). As time goes by it will get easier for everyone.
Post # 10
Mine did when I was 21 and on honeymoon. Instead of coming home to experience newly wed bliss, I came back to WW3.
My father left my mother for another woman. He’d been unfaithful for at least a decade of their 23 year marriage. My mother was still blindsided, because she somehow believed that because she was a practising Catholic (father was Atheist) he wouldn’t leave her…
My mother acted badly, made myself and my brother choose sides (hers) through emotional blackmail and used myself to unload just about every problem she’d ever had onto me. I know stuff about her life and marriage that even an adult child shouldn’t know.
For me, 26 years haven’t made anything easier. My mother is even more bitter and angry than she was on day one. I haven’t seen my father since that time.
Like previous posters have said, make it clear that their marriage = their problem, and that you won’t get involved, take sides, or be there for bad mouthing and bitching.
Post # 11
- Wedding: Los Coyotes Country Club
Thanks bees. I think it’s hard for me to think of them separately. It’s always just been us 3. They have agreed not to talk to me about their individual issues. I just hope my good relationship with either of them doesn’t change.
I appreciate all the words of encouragement. Sincerely!!!xoxo